


I Want You

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Series: Modern Boys [3]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: 1990s, Alternate Universe - 1990s, Angst, Angst and Romance, Bipolar Disorder, Boys In Love, Breaking Up & Making Up, Cabins, Cheating, Complicated Relationships, First Time, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Horny Teenagers, Idiots in Love, Love Triangles, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Messy, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Past Child Abuse, Period-Typical Homophobia, Relationship Issues, Self-Discovery, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slurs, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:08:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 46,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22422331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: Come stand a little bit closerBreathe in and get a bit higherYou'll never know what hit you whenI get to you- Savage GardenIsak hasn't spoken with Jonas for weeks. He has spent his days with Even, happily in love.But school is about to start again.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Isak Valtersen/Jonas Noah Vasquez
Series: Modern Boys [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559200
Comments: 340
Kudos: 166





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Welcome back to the nineties!
> 
> If you have read the two previous parts (go read them if you haven't and wish to read this one), you already know what you're in for. More of the stuff you love!

The remains of the summer rushed by. Isak barely noticed it. He was so caught up in his life with Even, their love, the magical nights of staying up until dawn while just talking and kissing and watching movies. The long days of just dozing off, their naked bodies entwined on the bed. Even was still taking his meds, and he was still tired, but Isak was here to take care of him. Taking care of Even kept him busy enough to not worry about his own shit.

It kept him so busy he hadn’t seen anyone else, either. Apart from the people working at the corner shop, or walking down the street. Isak had called Magnus quite regularly, but that was all. Jonas hadn’t contacted him either, but there was only a week left before school would start and Isak knew he would have to talk with his ex best friend before that.

Even’s lips brushed at the back of Isak’s neck, snapping him out of his thoughts. It was a nice wake up indeed. Isak pushed his body back against Even, humming softly.

“Hey”, Even whispered, yawning a bit. Isak reached behind him and placed his hand on Even’s hip.

“Hey. You want to sleep for a bit more?”

“Mmh. I’m good.” Even yawned again, then he kissed Isak’s shoulder. “Have you been awake for long?”

“Just an hour or so. Thinking.”

Even slid his hand over Isak’s side to his stomach. It felt warm.

“About what?”

Isak bit his lip. He hesitated. It had been so nice lately, Even had been better day by day, and Isak didn’t want this to end. He didn’t want to think about all the shit he was going to have to deal with very, very soon.

“I miss my best friend”, Isak sighed. He grabbed Even’s hand and squeezed on it, to stop him from pulling it back. It was his now. “I love you. I don’t need anyone but you, but. I still miss Jonas.”

Even didn’t say anything for a moment. But he didn’t pull his hand back, either. He let Isak hold it, and kept his face pressed against the back of Isak’s neck. His breathing was soft and slow.

“I miss Mikael”, Even said. It was a confession. Isak wiggled himself around slowly, so he could look at Even. They were both so serious. Solemn.

“Would you like to tell me about him?” Even knew Jonas. He had met Jonas, and he had shared Isak with him. Isak didn’t know about this Mikael.

Even shook his head. Isak nodded. Okay. It was too soon. Even was too fragile. They had to take it slow, and they had to give Even time. Isak knew that. Especially with school getting this close. Even had a year left, and there were plans for him doing it in Nissen with Isak, but the summer was almost over and Even was still so tired. He was determined to try, and Isak was determined to help him. That meant sparing Even’s strength for where it mattered.

“I just wanted to tell you I understand. What it’s like to lose your best friend.”

“It’s not -- I haven’t lost him”, Isak whispered, suddenly devastated by the thought, the realization. His eyes were filled with tears, his heart with dread. “Have I?”

Even looked at him. His eyes were so sad. Isak’s heart was aching, his hands were shaking, he had a metallic, blunt taste in his mouth. He hadn’t  _ lost _ Jonas, right? They just needed some time to figure things out, right?

“Isak I’m so sorry.”

That did it. It made something inside Isak snap like a dried up twig. Isak clung to Even with everything he had, hid his face against Even’s chest and more howled than cried for his loss. Jonas hadn’t died, but it felt like it. Isak had lost him. He hadn’t thought about it, their radio silence during these past weeks, how he hadn’t heard a peep from Jonas even through Mags, but it was true, wasn’t it? Jonas had pushed him away. For good. For the good of both of them.

Suddenly the thought of school starting was the scariest thing that Isak could imagine. Meeting everyone. Meeting Jonas. Seeing Jonas look at him, maybe nod -- no, not even that, just a look and a head turned quickly away. Seeing Magnus and Mahdi go with him, Mags looking at him over his shoulder with the face of a kicked puppy, mouthing  _ sorry _ and then following his squad.

Then Isak looked beside him. Even was there. And Even took his hand.

It took a long time, but Even managed to make Isak calm down. Isak was still shaking, and his breath was raspy and ragged, but at least he could breathe again. Isak focused on the image of Even by his side on the school yard, holding his hand, being there for him. In his turn. Even held him all through that. Isak’s world, or what was left of it, collapsing like a chimney of a burnt down house.

Finally Isak stopped crying and shaking. He just lied there, against Even, wiping his eyes to the corner of the pillow.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to --”

“Call him”, Even said. His voice had odd determination. Isak blinked and looked up at him.

“I can’t.”

“You can. Isak, love, you can do anything. You can call Jonas, and when you do, tell him you haven’t heard the tape.”

Isak sat up slowly. The tape. He had forgotten all about it. He looked over at the dressing table, but didn’t see it anymore. It was gone. What had happened to it?

“Did you throw it away?”

Even rolled over on his back with a groan.

“I was so, so jealous. I was a fucking mess, and we had just started again. I didn’t want him to come and fuck it up.”

“So you got rid of the tape.”

“I did something worse.”

Isak stared at Even. He didn’t want this to happen. He didn’t want to be having this conversation, not now, not ever, and especially not naked in the bed with Even after crying his heart out for the first time in who knew how long. He had a terrible, cold feeling about where this was going, and he really didn’t want to go there.

He still had to.

“What?” Isak whispered, barely making a sound.

“He was trespassing!” Even was getting agitated. He got out of the bed and went to the dressing table to get his cigarettes. He lit up one by the open window.

“Even, please”, Isak begged. “You need to tell me what you did.”

“Trespassing. In my house. In my life. In my -- you. In  _ us _ and I couldn’t allow him to.” Even drew in the smoke angrily and blew it out in large puffs. “He had no business in here anymore. None.”

Even was so angry. Isak knew this flavor of Even’s wrath. He had done something he shouldn’t have, and he was now getting caught. Isak really wished he didn’t, but he felt a small ball of fear and panic start to spin up in the bottom of his belly. He pressed his palm over it to calm it down. Even would never hurt him. He knew that. He was safe to ask.

“Does this have something to do with the fact I haven’t heard from Jonas in weeks?”

Even looked so pained. He looked like the smoke he was pulling into his lungs burnt him, and he welcomed the burn because that was what he had coming for him. If Even had put his cigarette out on his arm instead of throwing it to the street Isak wouldn’t have been surprised.

Isak was suddenly cold. He grabbed the blanket and pulled it around his shoulders, hiding inside it.

“Even, I really need to know what happened. Please.”

Even lit up another cigarette. He didn’t look at Isak.

“Call Jonas. Tell him.”

Isak knew Even wasn’t going to tell him anything else. He couldn’t stay here with that silence. Isak kept the blanket around himself while he searched for something to wear. He got dressed in the bathroom.

“I’m taking some money to charge my phone card”, Isak said. “And to grab something to eat. Okay?”

It did feel bad to be completely dependent on Even’s money. But Even didn’t even ask to know how much Isak was spending. He didn’t make any kind of deal about it, not big or small. Once school started Isak would have to talk to the counsellor or something, but for now he was just mooching on Even. Even didn’t even turn to look at him when he took the wallet from the dressing table and dug out a fifty and some coins. He shoved the money in his pocket.

“Where’s my Walkman?” Isak asked. He was too upset to remember where he had left it. It had been so long since he had been outside without Even.

“On the hat rack”, Even said, to the street outside the window. Isak looked up and yes, there it was, on the shelf above their jackets. He grabbed it and shoved it in his backpack with his keys.

Isak looked at Even, and realizing he really didn’t want to go kiss him or tell him he loved him made him feel sick to his stomach. He pushed that deep inside him and tucked it away carefully. He was really good at that.

“I love you”, Isak said. “I’ll be back soon.”

“Love you too. I’m sorry.”

A part of Isak didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to call Jonas and find out what Even had done. He didn’t want to break what he had with Even. He didn’t want to break them. It just was that Even might already have. So, Isak forced his feet to move and take him out of the apartment. When he reached the street he didn’t look up at their window.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had forgotten to mark this having multiple chapters, sorry about that.

“Issy.”

Isak squeezed the receiver in his hand. He had been standing inside this phone booth for ten minutes, gathering his courage to hear the voice he had been missing for weeks without noticing it. And there it was not, without warning, Jonas had just picked up and said his name. Not his own name, not “hello” or any other normal thing. He had said Isak’s name. Had he been saying it to every caller, hoping it was him?

“Issy? Are you there?”

Isak blinked slowly. He nodded.

“Uh-huh.”

“Come over. Please. I’ll kick the others out, I need to see you.”

Isak nodded again. He was staring at the numbers counting down on the display, his phone credit running out while he was listening to Jonas instead of having a conversation.

“Will you come?”

“Yes.”

Isak hung up. He had to get away from the phone call, the strangest in his life. He had to consider how Jonas had sounded like. Relieved, mostly. Happy, that too. And sad, and a bit angry, a bit more bitter. He was upset because Isak had abandoned him. Forgotten about him. It was true, and Isak couldn’t blame Jonas for being angry.

Isak pushed the phone card into his wallet and put his headphones on. He had forgotten to change the tape. He wasn’t in the mood of just Prodigy, but that was the tape he had with him now. In a way all the chaos and noise fit perfectly the way he was feeling. It gave his steps the strength they needed to bring him to Jonas’ house.

He didn’t really even think about it. He just let his feet take him under the ladder, and when he realized what he was doing he was already half way up. Might as well climb the rest of the way. Besides, maybe Jonas hadn’t got rid of the others. Isak didn’t feel like meeting anyone else now, he was too preoccupied with Jonas.

The window was open. Isak climbed inside. Jonas wasn’t in his room. Isak took a little look around. Everything was the way he remembered it. Why wouldn’t it be? It had been just a few weeks. But still, it felt like something should have changed. He and Jonas weren’t best friends anymore, or secret lovers, they weren’t anything and it wasn’t fair that didn’t show in any way.

“Issy?”

When Jonas appeared to his room’s door Isak saw that something had indeed changed. It had been weeks. But Jonas’ tan was gone. He was pale and his eyes were set deep in his head, with black shadows under them. He looked like Isak had looked all summer, apart from these past few weeks in the sun with Even. He looked like shit.

“Jonas”, Isak gasped, and hurried to hug him. At least Jonas smelled the same. Axe Africa. “Are you okay? Are you sick?”

Jonas made a sound of a small animal someone had just hit with a stick and pushed Isak away.

“I’m not sick. Fuck!” Jonas stepped back, wiping his lips. He didn’t really look at Isak. “I thought I could handle this. I mean. It’s  _ you. _ My Issy. I didn’t expect it to feel like this.”

Isak’s every instinct was telling him to run to the window and jump out. To run back to Even and beg him to not make him do this. Isak still didn’t know what  _ this _ was, not for sure, but it was getting painfully obvious that it was something big and terrifying.

School would start in a week.

There really was no way out of this. Isak swallowed.

“Like what?”

“Fuck, Isak!” No more Issy. Isak had been right, Jonas was angry. “You broke my heart! I trusted you with it!”

Isak stared at Jonas. His mouth was probably open, too, he wasn’t sure. He couldn’t really feel his face.

“What?  _ I _ broke  _ your _ heart?”

Run to the window. Jump out. Run.

“Are you being serious?” Jonas looked so hurt. He looked like he couldn’t believe Isak was being this cruel to him. Isak took a step back, towards the window, half a step.

“I never heard the tape.”

He didn’t want to ever hear it, either. He didn’t want this to be real. But he also couldn’t count far enough to list every time Jonas had saved him, and he couldn’t just walk away now. He didn’t want to be included in this, but he was.

“What?” Jonas didn’t believe him. Or his ears. Isak nodded. Maybe Jonas had an easier time believing his eyes.

“I never heard the tape. You had brought it while I was out with Even and we decided to start dating again, and I. I forgot about it, and I haven’t seen it ever since. I didn’t even think about it until today when Even told me to call you and tell you I haven’t heard it.” Isak licked his lips quickly. The sphere of sad and scared in his belly was getting heavier. “Why would he tell me that? It was just a mixtape, right?”

Had they ever been  _ just _ mixtapes, really? Not for Isak they hadn’t, but he had worked so hard to understand that Jonas didn’t love him like that, that he couldn’t. Why was Jonas looking at him like that, then?

“Are you seriously telling me you haven’t heard it?”

Isak nodded slowly. He was. He hadn’t heard it. He took another half step backward. He could feel the gravity between them, he remembered Even’s bare back by the window.

“Even, your boyfriend, told you to tell me that?”

Isak nodded again. Yes. Even had told him exactly that. And here Isak now was, waiting for an explanation he wasn’t ready to hear.

“Is everything alright between you two?”

That was an unexpected question. It pushed Isak a bit off balance. At least he was thinking about something else than how scared he was.

“I think so? We almost had a fight before I came here, because he’s acting all weird about the tape and refuses to tell me what it’s all about.”

“It’s just that. You look great, Issy. Really great. I don’t remember when I’ve seen you look this healthy.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look this shitty.”

Jonas chuckled, shaking his head.

“I haven’t been sleeping. It’s just stress with school starting. Senior year and all that, we should start figuring out what the fuck we want to be when we grow up and apparently professional skater isn’t one of the options if you’re not good enough at it.”

“What? You’re a great skater.”

“Not good enough to be pro, man. It’s alright, I’ll just find a desk job somewhere and turn into a cog in the machine.”

Isak shook his head in disbelief.

“You’d rather die than do something like that. I know you, you’re my --” Isak didn’t know how to finish that sentence. Not knowing how to finish it made his legs feel weak and heavy at the same time.

“It’s called growing up, Issy. We’ll be eighteen in a couple of months.”

Jonas was right. About growing up, about pro skating, about everything. It wasn’t fair. Isak had barely found out who he was and now he was supposed to know who he was going to become.

“Can’t wait. I really need a drink.”

Jonas laughed and told him to wait for a bit. Isak obeyed. He sat down on the side of Jonas’ bed, then stood up and walked to the opposite side of the room just in time before Jonas came back holding two cans of cold beer from the fridge.

“Won’t you get in trouble?”

Jonas grinned, cracking the can open.

“Getting in trouble is inevitable. The reasons vary. This is a small crime, don’t worry.”

Isak took the can Jonas gave him and brought it to his lips. The beer was cold and crisp, and its taste flowing down his throat made him feel more like a grown up. Like someone in control of their life.

“Mm. Yum. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” Jonas sat down on his bed and crossed his legs. “Mags mentioned Even might be starting school with us.”

Isak nodded. He had to take a moment to blink profusely. He wanted Even to be better, they both did, but he was so tired.

“I really hope it will work out. Even wants to try, and I of course would love him to be there, but. I don’t know. He’s still not well.”

“Are you going to date openly?”

Isak looked up at Jonas. Wait. What?

“What do you mean?”

Jonas shrugged.

“I don’t know. Like kissing in recess, holding hands in the yard, shit like that.”

Isak was suddenly cold, and it wasn’t just the beer. He hadn’t even thought about that. Shit. Why hadn’t he thought about that?

“No? I mean. We can’t, right? It’s not. No?”

“It’s just that to me Even seems like the kind of guy who would.”

Jonas was absolutely right. Even was exactly that kind of a guy.

“So, I guess you might want to have a talk with him about all that. Before school starts. You know?”

Isak nodded slowly. He felt as pale as Jonas was right now. He finished his beer without really tasting it.

“He’s already so weird”, Isak said quietly. It felt odd, and unfair, to be talking to Jonas about Even like this, but he really didn’t have options. “What if he wants to break up with me? I don’t even have anywhere to live.”

“Issy. As long as I’m alive you will always have a place to live. Okay?”

Isak wasn’t so sure about that, or whether that was a good idea. Still, he nodded. Okay. One crisis at the time. Put down the fire in the attic before repainting the front stairs.

Speaking of crisis.

“What was on that tape?” Whatever it was, it was big enough to keep them apart for weeks. To break Jonas’ heart. Isak didn’t want to know, he didn’t want to ask, but he had to.

Jonas flashed him a weary smile.

“It was just an apology. I thought you were so mad you didn’t want to accept it, so I left you alone.”

“Fucking Even! If he just wasn’t so --” Isak almost slapped his hand over his mouth, but he didn’t need to. He stopped himself in time. Before he called Even crazy. “He told me you were trespassing in our relationship. Overreacting much?”

“Isak. Say that again in your head, but slower this time.”

Jonas was right. He hadn’t been just trespassing, he had taken over the spare room. But it was over now.

“Still. He had no right to do that. Because of him we haven’t talked in weeks. I’ve fucking missed you!”

“If you’ve missed me so much, why haven’t you called me?”

Fucking Jonas. Right again. It was rude to be right that much, and to be that cool about it.

“Are you still my friend?” Isak asked. He didn’t dare look at Jonas now. Jonas looked so familiar.

“I am and will always be your best friend, Issy. You’re going to have to do more than just not call me for a couple of weeks to get rid of me.”

Oh, but Isak had done so much more, hadn’t he? He didn’t bother bringing it up. They had just made peace, and he was going to have to go home and tell Even he didn’t want to kiss his boyfriend at school, and he really didn’t need any more stress in his life this moment.

So when Jonas came to hug him, he wrapped his arms around his best friend and gave him a really tight squeeze.


	3. Chapter 3

It was weird to leave Jonas’ house through the front door and without the weight of guilt. And in the daytime. Isak was listening to his Walkman again, and this time it gave him strength instead of draining his heart. Jonas was still his best friend. They were okay. At least okay enough. They had agreed to meet at the skate park with the guys tomorrow, and Even could come too if he wanted to.

He probably wanted to, but couldn’t. That was a common combination. Six more days until school started again, and that was way too soon. Isak sighed, looking around. It was a beautiful day. It had been a beautiful summer. And an eventful one. When school had ended Isak had anticipated weeks and weeks of empty longing and hollow prayers. He had been so, so wrong. Maybe he was wrong about how school was going to start, as well?

It was unlikely, but it was possible. Even could come to school, and they could sneak out somewhere together during recess, to kiss for a bit where nobody could see them. The guys would keep watch for them if Isak asked. Everything could work out just fine.

The closer to home he got the less certain he was about it. Unanswered - and unasked - questions were gathering to the back of his throat, making it harder to breathe. Even had deliberately kept Isak from Jonas, for weeks, just out of stupid jealousy. It wasn’t right. But Even wasn’t well. What if confronting him about this pushed him off balance, making it impossible for him to even consider starting school with Isak and the others?

This morning Isak wouldn’t have believed he could be coming home with a heavy heart. But here he was now, standing behind the door, staring at the key in his hand. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be anywhere else. He needed to go home and talk to his boyfriend.

“Hi?” Isak knew Even would be home, but he still checked as he entered. He didn’t hear a reply but saw one. Even swung his arm from under the sheets, waving a greeting. He was home. He was nesting. That meant he was upset, or sad, or overwhelmed, or a hundred other things, all of them difficult.

Isak was feeling all of the above. So there was really only one reasonable course of action. He took his shoes off, put his backpack down and walked to the bed.

“Move over”, Isak told Even, who scooted down to make room for him. Isak lifted the edge of the sheet and slipped under it. He crawled up against Even and sighed softly. “I’m back.”

“I wasn’t sure if you would”, Even whispered. Isak was getting a bit angry. Even was so sad and pathetic and fragile that Isak couldn’t be mad at him or his bullshit, and that wasn’t fair.

“I told you I would. You need to trust me.”

Even moved his head. Isak chose to believe it was a nod.

“I talked with Jonas. I’m really, really mad at you for what you did.” Isak spoke softly, as softly as he could. He didn’t want to yell, or make a racket of any other kind, or be threatening. Still Even curled up tighter.

“I’m so sorry”, Even mumbled. Isak sighed and buried his face into Even’s hair. He took a couple of deep breaths to wash the Axe Africa away from his system. They were friends. It was for the best. It was what Isak had missed the most.

“You shouldn’t have kept that tape from me. Jonas just wanted to apologize. You were jealous for nothing.”

Even shifted.

“Just to apologize?”

Isak nodded.

“Yes. For everything. So you don’t need to worry about him anymore. Okay?”

Even didn’t say anything. He turned on his back, slowly, and then rolled over on his side. Turning away from Isak. Isak bit his lip to keep quiet. It would have been of no use to start a fight over this. The damage had been done. The tape was gone. Isak had spent weeks away from Jonas for nothing. There was nothing to undo that, and making Even feel terrible wouldn’t have solved anything.

“I’m going to go meet the guys tomorrow at the skate park”, Isak continued. “Jonas invited you, too. I’d like you to come and hang out with us, before school starts. Magnus would be thrilled to meet you again.”

“I like Magnus”, Even mumbled. “He’s real.”

Isak nodded, wrapping his arm around Even’s waist.

“I agree. He is. He’s a great friend, too, and I would love you to have him as one.”

“He can come over here”, Even said. His voice was low but determined.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean Magnus. He can come over tomorrow, or any day. But we’re not going to the skate park tomorrow.”

Isak must have heard wrong. He pushed himself closer to Even, just to make sure he was really there. That he wasn’t imagining this conversation.

“We aren’t?”

“No. I don’t want to go, and I don’t want you to go without me. You can call Magnus and invite him over here, we could rent a movie or something.”

“Excuse me?” Isak let go of Even and got up on his elbow. He pulled the sheets down, uncovering their heads so he could properly look at Even. “Are you telling me who I am allowed to hang out with?”

Even frowned and pouted at the same time. Then he shrugged.

“I’m not intending to. But basically, yes. I am. I don’t want Jonas in your life, and to be honest I think that’s my prerogative.”

Isak sat up slowly. He didn’t want to believe what he was hearing.

“I go to the same school, Even. He’s in my classes. He’s my best friend.”

“I don’t trust him!” Even was shouting now. It was an odd contrast to his deflated look. His voice had power his body lacked. “I will never trust him, not after what you did together!”

Isak took a deep breath through his nose. He had to stay calm. One of them had to, or something terrible might happen.

“In other words you don’t trust me?” That was it, wasn’t it? Even didn’t trust him. He didn’t trust his boyfriend wouldn’t cheat on him again, and there was nothing Isak could do to change that. Isak wanted to stand up, but he couldn’t. He was drained.

Even was silent for a very long time. Isak knew why. Even was trying to come up with something that would make him able to say Isak was wrong, but there was nothing. Nothing.

“You cheated on me”, Even whispered. His strength had also disappeared.

“To be fair”, Isak said, through his clenched jaw, “I technically didn’t. Ever since you finally wanted to be my boyfriend I haven’t even seen anyone else but you. I’ve been cooped up here with you for weeks, and I miss my friends, and I miss my best friend, and you are being unreasonable.”

What hurt the most was that Even was right. He had no reason to trust Isak. Especially with Jonas.

“Am I, really?”

Isak collapsed on his side on the bed. His back turned to Even.

“I’m going to the skate park tomorrow. You don’t own me.”

“Yeah”, Even said. His voice was so cold it gave Isak goosebumps. “I sure don’t.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: mild dubcon-ish

Isak lied on the bed his eyes half closed, listening to the accusations in the silence. Even didn’t trust him. That felt horrible. Isak would have done anything, suffered any punishment, if it meant absolution. But Even didn’t work like that. He wasn’t Isak’s mother. Isak closed his eyes all the way at the thought of his mom, how she stood in the kitchen wiping the counter, at the same spot over and over again, praying for Isak’s return.

Isak could never go back. He would die in that house. If not in the hands of his parents, then simply from suffocation. He had discovered himself now. He couldn’t undo that, no matter how hard he tried. He was a faggot. He loved it.

Something brushed against Isak’s shoulder. Even’s fingers. It was a soft, lingering touch, and Isak was just about to tell Even he was sorry but he really wasn’t feeling like it, when Even grabbed his shoulder tight enough to be able to flip him over on his back. Isak’s lips cracked open, and Even’s lips pressed down against them.

Okay, this was unexpected. Even had been. Well. Inactive, lately. There had been something but nothing like this. Not in a long time. Even hadn’t kissed him this hard, and he hadn’t touched him with this determination, and Isak still wasn’t really in the mood but his body was disagreeing with him. He was getting turned on.

“Ah!”

Isak fell out of the kiss as Even pinched his nipple through his shirt. It made him shake. He raised his hand on Even’s cheek, as a silent plea. He had no idea what he was asking for. When he looked into Even’s eyes he knew what he was about to get.

There were worse punishments.

Isak wiggled out of his shirt as Even pulled it off. His both nipples were hard, and as Even pinched on both of them in turn Isak whimpered softly. It didn’t hurt, not like that. Even would never hurt him.

Isak tried to sit up, just to test it. Even slammed him back down on his back. Isak gasped quietly. Even was so -- dominant. It was new. Even had been the more active one before, showing Isak the ropes of things, but this was different. Isak closed his eyes and opened his neck as Even started kissing it. He surrendered.

“Oh!”

Even bit down. It still didn’t hurt, not in a bad way, but it was. Intense. Even sucked and nibbled on the thin skin on the side of Isak’s neck. He raised his face to take a look, and he seemed satisfied. Then he moved to the other side. Then back. Even kept sucking, biting and licking on Isak’s neck like he was a vampire or something, and the marks he left were pulsing deliciously.

Isak was breathing heavier. He was getting wound up, all squirmy, and he was getting hard. Even shoved his hand down Isak’s pants and grabbed his dick, his mouth still busy with Isak’s neck. Isak whined quietly, pushing his hips up to meet Even’s hand. He was embarrassed and ashamed of his sudden change of mood, but he couldn’t help it. This felt too hot.

It didn’t take Even long to make Isak come. When Isak made a mess in his pants Even pulled his hand out, sat up and looked down at Isak. He looked satisfied. Isak didn’t want to touch him, and Even didn’t seem to want him to, either. There was something off in the way Even looked at him, something that made Isak turn his head in shame and the knot in his chest pull tighter.

“I’m sorry”, Isak said quietly. “I didn’t mean to start a fight. I know it’s my own fault that you can’t trust me.”

Even fell on his side next to Isak. He looked tired again.

“I really wished I could trust you. But I can’t. Not with him involved. You love him, and you will always love him, and there’s nothing either of us can do about that.”

Isak bit his lip. Even was right. He would always love Jonas.

“I have loved him for a long time without doing a thing about it. I can go back to that. I already have.”

“Are you really telling me that if Jonas told you he wanted to be your boyfriend you wouldn’t toss me aside just like that?”

“What? Of course! I wouldn’t do that to you, I love you!”

Even closed his eyes. He looked tired again. Even always looked so tired.

“You do?”

Isak touched Even’s cheek gently.

“I do. I love you. I will never toss you aside. I have started a life with you, and I want to keep at it.”

Isak reached a kiss on Even’s lips. It was a small kiss, a bit shy. When it was over, almost as soon as it had started, Isak pressed his forehead on Even’s forehead.

“I love you. I’m with you. I’m your boyfriend, and I intend to stay that way. All I wanted was you to be my boyfriend, and when you refused that, I was. I was a mess. I still am. I’m a fucking mess but I really hope you still want me.”

Even opened his eyes. He looked at Isak for a long time. Examining him. Searching into his soul.

“You really want to be my boyfriend?”

“Yes! I do. I do.”

Even nodded. The tiniest bit, but he nodded.

“Jonas really told you he was sorry?”

Isak nodded. It felt a bit dangerous, to talk about Jonas, when the peace between them had just been rebuilt and was still fragile.

“Yes. And I forgive you for taking that tape. I understand why you felt like you had to. It hurts, it hurts so bad that you can’t trust me, but I understand.”

“I want to trust you. I love you.”

“Maybe”, Isak whispered, fiddling with the hem of Even’s shirt. “Maybe it helps when school starts and you can see me around my friends. See that me and Jonas are over, for good. I chose you.”

Mentioning school made Even kind of collapse. His shoulders slumped, his chest sank.

“Six days”, Even whispered. Isak nodded. He took Even’s hand.

“If you can’t do it, it’s okay.”

“It’s not. I have already wasted a year.”

“Hey. Hey. Look at me.” Isak waited until Even did. “I wasted a year too. That and more, when I wasn’t brave enough to be myself. Now we can start fresh, together. Right?”

Even was pouting. At least he nodded.

“Boyfriends?” Isak whispered. Even nodded again.

“Boyfriends.”

Isak brought Even’s hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles. The peace was still intact. That was good. He was so tired of fighting. Of being scared of the outcome. There could be only losers in this fight.

They lied there, playing with each other’s fingers, hair, earlobes, for long enough for Isak’s arm to fall asleep under him. They were breathing slowly, in a shared rhythm, until Isak broke it with a small sigh.

“I’m still going to the skate park tomorrow. I want to meet my friends.”

Even stroked at the side of Isak’s neck, barely touching the skin.

“Tell them I said hi.”


	5. Chapter 5

It was a hot day. Way too hot to wear a hoodie, especially with the hood on your head. Isak had noticed that on his way to the skate park, and each excruciating step made it clearer. He would die of a heat stroke if he kept his hoodie on. Finally Isak had to give in and step aside, loosen up the hood and pull the sweater off. He saw his reflection in the shop window and blushed. He looked so slutty.

He had tried to anticipate the heat by wearing one of Even’s mesh shirts under the hoodie. He could almost see his nipples through the holes. And his neck was an abomination. Bruise next to bruise, sucked and bitten by Even yesterday. Isak was grateful nobody could tell just from looking at a hickey if it was made by a boy or a girl, but the rest of his attire was. Telling.

Isak bit his lip and blinked away his tears. He couldn’t go back home. He had made such a big deal about this, going to the skate park, and he did miss his friends a lot. Maybe if he looked miserable enough they wouldn’t mock him too much. Isak packed his hoodie into his backpack, put his earphones back on and turned the volume up.

Jonas was already at the park when Isak arrived. He didn’t see Isak. He was skating, practising on some new tricks that would still not be enough to make him a pro skater. Isak hid behind a tree to watch him. Jonas had rolled up the sleeves of his oversized T-shirt, baring his shoulders, the shape and taste Isak remembered vividly. He looked healthier now. Not so gray, but tanned. Sun-kissed. Isak saw the sweat gleam on the side of Jonas’ neck and had to push back the urge to lick it off.

Even was right. Isak was tempted. But he was also wrong: Isak would not touch Jonas. Not like that. Not anymore. He was just looking, just for a bit, in secret, and there was no harm in that. Looking wasn’t cheating. It just felt like it. And a part of Isak was happy it did. It served Even right, for what he had done to Isak’s skin yesterday, for shaming him like this. He ran his gaze down to Jonas’ hips simply out of spite and defiance. He could look all he wanted, and there was nothing to be done about that.

Jonas saw he was looking. Shit. Isak spun around in a panic, leaning his back on the tree, breathing shallow and fast. He listened, to the wheels rolling closer, to the board be kicked up and the steps along the gravel and grass, and then he could smell Jonas right before he stepped in front of him. His greeting grin turned into some crooked maybe-smile of disbelief when he saw Isak.

“Well. That’s a look.”

Isak collapsed to the ground, folding his legs up against his chest to hide behind them. That did nothing to cover his neck, the black and blue and purple marks all over his skin. Isak pressed his palms on his neck, but that felt like being strangled.

“Hey.” Jonas’ voice was softer now. His eyes were softer, as he sat down on his skateboard in front of Isak. “Are you okay?”

Isak pressed his forehead on his knees to escape Jonas’ eyes. His lips. He shook his head.

“No. And yes. Everything’s a fucking mess, and we only have five days left to fix things.”

“I thought we were cool now”, Jonas said. Isak sighed.

“Yes. We are. But Even doesn’t like it. As you can tell.” Isak’s voice diminished into a mumble towards the end of his sentence. He was so ashamed. At least his blushing kind of diluted the violent shine of the bruises. “First he tried to forbid it. He told me I can’t come here today, because you are here and he doesn’t trust you. Then we fought about it and -- he found a way.”

Jonas hummed. Isak could hear the frown in the tone.

“Should I go kick his ass for you?”

Isak looked up at Jonas. What?

“No? It wasn’t like he hurt me, I’m just. Embarrassed. Everyone can see them, and with this shirt -- like you said, it’s a look.”

Jonas nodded slowly. He was still frowning, but he looked like he was thinking instead of being mad.

“Mags and Mahdi are going to piss themselves laughing”, Jonas said. Isak groaned.

“Just kill me now, okay?”

“Nah. I have a plan.” Jonas stood up and, to Isak’s shock and terror and arousal, pulled his shirt off. His skin looked delicious in the sunlight. Isak couldn’t stop staring at his belly button. Until Jonas threw the shirt on his face. It smelled like Jonas. “Put it on, idiot! And give me yours. I’m smaller than you, that thing should look less. Well. Tight. On me.”

Isak didn’t have a choice, because Jonas refused to put his own shirt back on. He needed to put  _ a _ shirt on, or Isak would die from inner conflict. Isak looked around to make sure nobody was looking, and changed his shirt quickly. Jonas’ T-shirt was so big it was loose and long for him, too, and it felt really comforting to just disappear inside it.

“Thank you”, Isak said. He was happy he got it out before he saw Jonas in that mesh shirt. Because yes, that was a look. Isak couldn’t help it, he laughed out loud. Seriously, Jonas was a saint for not toppling over when he saw Isak wear that thing.

“No problemo, dude.” Jonas picked up his skateboard. “Come on, the guys should be here soon. Mahdi promised to bring us cold drinks.”

Jonas held out his hand so Isak could pull himself up. Isak took it. He let go the moment he was up on his feet. With his hickeys and Jonas’ shirt, they’d look like a couple if they were holding hands.

“Can we hang for a bit after they leave? I need a shoulder.”

Jonas smiled at him.

“Of course. I’ll do anything to help out. I --” Jonas stopped, like catching himself from doing something bad. “You’re my best friend.”

“And you’re mine. I wouldn’t be here without you.”

“Okay, now this is going to end of a night of drinking mode. Better snap out of it before one of us starts sobbing or something.”

Isak returned Jonas’ grin and followed him to the ramps. He sat down to watch Jonas skate. The mesh shirt looked so stupid it looked actually kind of cool. Jonas could wear it with that certain attitude that told the world he wasn’t giving a single fuck. Jonas was like that. He was cool. Isak pulled the collar of the T-shirt up and took a quick sniff. Just once.

“Yo!”

Isak turned to look and saw Magnus, with Mahdi in tow. He got up just in time, Magnus attacked him with a tight hug.

“Is! It’s so good to see you, man! You look great!”

Isak nodded at Mahdi over Magnus’ shoulder. Mahdi stared at his neck but didn’t say anything. Isak wasn’t sure which he would have preferred, ridicule or silence.

“OH MY GOD!” Okay, Mags was not going for silence. He stepped back, his eyes wide, and then leaned in to take a closer look. “Aren’t you feeding Even anymore?”

“Shhh!” Isak looked around, frantically. There wasn’t anybody near by, thank God. “Stop shouting about me having a boyfriend so anyone can hear you!”

Magnus raised his hands.

“Sorry sorry sorry! I didn’t mean to! It’s just. I mean. Wow.”

Isak blushed and chuckled.

“Yeah it got a bit. Intense.”

Mahdi flashed a wide grin.

“Lucky you. At least one of us is getting some action!”

The knot inside Isak’s chest was pulled open. Mahdi was okay with this after all. Isak should have known he would, he was a friend, but. Everything was so complicated these days.

In five minutes they were holding cold cans of Coke and joking around just like always, while Jonas was working on his moves on the ramp. The sun was shining, and the guys were so funny, and for a change life felt actually kind of simple. For five days more.


	6. Chapter 6

Isak raised his hand in one last wave to Magnus and Mahdi. Jonas was rolling back and forth on his board, waiting for them to be alone. When they finally were he kicked his board up and took it under his arm.

“Where do you want to talk?”

Isak wasn’t all that sure he wanted to talk, anymore. Hanging out with the guys had been so much fun. He had laughed so hard his belly hurt. He had forgotten about his hickeys. Now he remembered them again. They were aching, pulsing, burning through his shirt. Jonas’ shirt.

“Anywhere, I guess.” Isak knew Jonas wouldn’t let this slide, unless he really, really begged him to. He wasn’t feeling like begging. He walked with Jonas to a bench a bit to the side and sat down with a deep sigh.

Jonas waited. For a moment.

“Well? Spill it.”

Isak was squirming. He didn’t know where to start.

“First I’d like you to promise you won’t get mad.”

Jonas frowned.

“Why would I get mad at you?”

Isak shook his head. Jonas didn’t understand.

“Not at me. At anyone.”

“What did he do?”

Jonas looked at Isak’s neck. His frown got more intense. Isak touched his knee quickly, to calm him down. At least that made Jonas look down at Isak’s hand.

“Nothing. Nobody did anything, we just had a fight.”

“Is that what you want to talk about? Your fight?”

Isak nodded. And shrugged. It all felt so messy.

“Not really. It was a stupid fight, and it’s over now.” Isak pulled his heel up on the bench, hugging his knee. “Have you ever. You know. How do you know if sex is bad?”

Jonas chuckled. It sounded a bit fake.

“I would have no idea. Never had any.”

Isak forced a grin on his face and poked at Jonas’ side with his elbow.

“That’s what you think.”

Jonas laughed, shaking his head. There was something warm and soft in the smile that lingered on his lips. A memory of skin.

“So, you had bad sex with him?”

“Please, try to not sound so triumphant.” Isak sighed. He pressed his forehead on his knee for a moment, to think. “I don’t know? It felt good. He made me come.”

“That doesn’t sound like bad sex to me.”

“He marked me. Like a dog pissing on a pole. He marked his territory.”

Jonas hummed.

“He sure did. You’ll be lucky if those fade in time for school.”

“I’m so fucking mad at him!” Isak kicked his heel down and brushed his hair with his fingers. Fucking Even. “He won. That’s what pisses me off the most, I guess. He didn’t want me to come see you, and when I insisted he did this to me. He won.”

“Maybe. Do you want to win?”

“I don’t know. I want to be happy. I want  _ him _ to be happy, but I don’t seem to be able to make it happen.”

Jonas took Isak’s hand in his. Isak scanned the surroundings quickly, and since he didn’t see anyone else, he let that happen. It felt nice. It felt happy.

“You can make him happy, Issy. You can make any guy happy. Every couple fights, and if I’m honest here, Even might have a reason to be pissed at the idea of you seeing me.”

Isak pulled his hand away with a little groan.

“But it’s over between us! I chose him! When he finally chose me I could choose him.”

Jonas leaned back on the bench. He was quiet for long enough to make Isak look at him.

“Is that why you didn’t choose me?” Jonas looked weird. He refused to meet Isak’s eyes.

“Jonas, I --” Isak had to take a couple of breaths to gather his thoughts. “You never were an option to choose from. I just had to understand it.”

“Mm. I guess.” Jonas glanced at Isak at the corner of his eye. “I’m sorry I messed up your life, Issy. I just. I don’t even know what I was. Wrong, for sure.”

“You saved my life, Jonas. You are the one reason I’m not dead now. I can never repay that debt.”

“Sure you can.” Jonas turned to look at Isak properly. He had that warmth on his face again. A twinkle in his eyes, a little upward pull at the corner of his mouth. “Live. Be happy. I have never seen you happier than with Even.”

Isak almost asked, did that include the times he had been in bed with Jonas. He realized he didn’t want to know the answer. He had been happy with Jonas, he needed to believe he had. That it hadn’t been simple lust, but something more. Something better.

“Right now it feels pretty hard.”

“You don’t have to make his life perfect to make him happy.”

“Thank God. Also, surprisingly deep from you. What movie is that from?”

“Oi! I can be deep!”

“Yeah, deep throat!”

Jonas almost laughed at the joke Isak immediately regretted making. At least he smiled, a bit cheekily.

Isak took what he could get.

“I should get going. Make sure Even eats something and takes his meds.”

“Is he still going to start school with us?”

Isak nodded, a bit uncertain. He still wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. It would have been easier if Even hadn’t transferred to Nissen. It felt like he was there to keep an eye on Isak, which was obviously ridiculous. It was his own guilty conscience talking.

“Hang in there. You can always call me if you need me.”

“I know. Thank you.”

Jonas got up as Isak did and hugged him tight. The bruises on Isak’s chest hurt just enough to remind Isak to not let the hug last too long. He even patted Jonas on the back a couple of times when letting go.

“We should do something on the last day before school starts. All four of us.”

“Four? Aren’t you going to invite Even?”

Isak shook his head.

“Not to that party. This is our last summer holiday, and we’ve barely hung out at all.”

“You sound like Magnus.”

“Well, Magnus is right. We must do something fun, together. Start coming up with ideas.”

Jonas grinned.

“I might have something in my back pocket. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Isak shook his head.

“I’ll call you. I don’t know how Even would react, and I really don’t feel like having another fight with him.”

Jonas didn’t seem happy. At least he didn’t object. Isak was grateful, because he really had to get going. He took his backpack, patted Jonas on the shoulder one more time and took off.

He was almost home when he noticed he was still wearing Jonas’ shirt. He cursed under his breath, stopping mid step. He needed to change. Thank God he had his hoodie in his backpack. Isak hid in a doorway in a fit of modesty, more caused by his hickeys than the thought of being topless. He shoved Jonas’ shirt to the bottom of his backpack. He would return it next time. Thinking about next time made the back of his neck tingle. He rubbed it off with his palm.


	7. Chapter 7

The apartment smelled delicious when Isak opened the door. It made his stomach growl and his heart flutter. It smelled like a home cooked meal, like onions and garlic, and the thought of coming home to Even who was standing in the kitchen instead of being curled up in the bed filled Isak’s chest with something like pride, or joy.

“Hello?” Isak tried, taking his shoes off slowly, to savour this feeling.

“Hey”, Even’s voice replied, and it wasn’t coming from the bed, but indeed from the kitchen. “I hope you’re hungry.”

“Starving.” Isak pulled the hoodie off, grateful to get rid of the heat that was trapped inside it. He stuffed the hoodie in his backpack to hide Jonas’ shirt and went to the closet to get something cooler to wear. The sight of the bruises on his torso made his mood a bit flatter, but only a bit. He covered them quickly with a plain, black T-shirt.

Even popped his head out of the kitchen. He looked. Active. Finally. Isak had to admit it, he had been expecting Even to just lie in the bed feeling sorry for himself the whole time Isak was gone. He felt bad for having thought that. As if Even was only capable of wallowing in self pity. That was a hateful thought, and hate was something one shouldn't have in his heart.

Isak came to give Even a kiss.

“Smells amazing. What are you making?”

Even kissed him again. Isak felt his fingertips at the back of his neck. They felt good.

“Tuna casserole. Basically tuna in a sauce with pasta. It’s usually baked in the oven but stove top is faster.”

“To be honest, that sounds disgusting.”

“But tastes great. I promise.”

Isak smiled. He kissed Even one more time.

“I promise I will eat it, no matter what it tastes like. I’m famished.”

Even stirred the pot, humming. He fished out a piece of pasta and tried it with his teeth.

“Five more minutes.” Even turned the stove off. “How was it at the skate park?”

Isak’s great mood melted away. He was feeling almost scared all of a sudden, and he didn’t like that. He knew where that feeling was coming from. He had left home, but home hadn’t left him yet.

“It was great. I had missed the guys so much, and I think they had missed me. I love you, but I need my friends too.”

Even looked at him, raising his brow.

“Yeah?”

Isak bit his lip. It was so stupid. And embarrassing.

“I don’t know.”

“It just feels like you’re accusing me of something here.”

Even was right. Isak wasn’t happy about it, but he had to admit it. He sighed, fondling at the hem of Even’s shirt.

“Can we talk after dinner? I just want to have dinner with you now.”

Even shrugged.

“If you insist.”

Isak could still feel it. The mood had changed. It was heavier now. The air pressed against his skin. On his hickeys. But he needed to eat first, he was a real bitch when he was hungry and he didn’t want this fight to escalate just for low blood sugar.

Even gave the pot one more stir and taste. He took the plates from the cupboard and portioned them food that looked like someone had already eaten it once.

“I must admit the appearance is hurt by the cooking method”, Even said with a little chuckle.

“It looks disgusting.” Isak grinned, then he took a fork and shoved his mouth full of the gloop. It tasted amazing. It tasted like home, in an effortless, comfortable way. Isak stared at Even with his eyes wide, and the warmth he saw take over Even’s face just added to the feeling. This was home cooking, and he was home.

“Good?”

“I love you”, Isak mumbled while shoving another forkful in his mouth.

They emptied their plates right then and there, standing, Even in the kitchen nook and Isak in the living room, one hungry bite after another. Then they had some more, and when they were stuffed they shared the one, last scoop Even scraped from the pot. The dishes were left in the sink while Isak took Even’s hand and pulled him to the bed.

“That was wonderful”, Isak sighed, satisfied. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Even snuggled up beside him, wrapping his arm around him, and Isak felt small and safe. He knew it wouldn’t last. He had to tell Even how he felt about the hickeys that were covering him everywhere. But everything as so nice right now.

“I’m sorry”, Even said into Isak’s hair. Isak opened his eyes.

“What?”

Even pulled back a bit and looked at him.

“I’m sorry about yesterday. I love you. That means I should trust you.”

Isak was speechless. He had been prepared to fight with Even, to cry and scream, but things had taken an unfamiliar turn. Even looked at him, and his eyes weren’t black pits of accusation and doubt, but just a kind, calm blue.

“Really?” Isak managed to squeak. Even nodded, placing his hand on Isak’s cheek.

“Really.” Even ran his fingertip along the edge of a purple stain on the side of Isak’s neck. “I was so pissed at the thought of him and you. I wanted revenge, and I pursued it, and that was wrong of me. I’ve been so mad with myself all day.”

Isak was blinking, his eyes suddenly misty. He had no idea what to say. He didn’t know what to do in a situation like this. What was expected of him. Even looked at his tears in a sort of shock. He leaned closer, stroking on Isak’s cheek, wiping the tear away with his thumb.

“Isak I’m so sorry, I promise you I will never do that again.”

Isak shook his head. Even had been mistaken.

“No, no. That’s not why I’m. I’m not sure if I’m crying at all, this is just so. Much.” Isak sighed, kissing the inside of Even’s wrist gently. “I’m not used to being apologised to.”

Even nodded slowly. He looked so sad. Isak’s first instinct was to comfort him, to do anything to make him smile again, but he tried to push that response back. This was about him being upset and Even being sorry, not the other way round.

“Thank you”, Isak whispered. “I forgive you.”

They started kissing and kind of forgot to stop for a couple of hours.

Around bedtime Isak was starting to develop a headache. While Even was in the bathroom, Isak went to get his backpack to see if he had any painkillers in there. The moment he pulled the zipper he was suffocated by a little cloud of Axe Africa. He yanked the zipper closed so hard he was lucky he didn’t catch the hoodie in it, because it would have ripped.

He had worn that shirt all day. There was no way he hadn’t smelled like it when he came home. Even had kissed him, and fed him, and apologised to him, all the while he had been smelling like Jonas. All that talk of trust, with only evidence of Isak not being worth it. Isak took the shirt out of the backpack. He walked to the bathroom door. Even spit in the sink and looked up at him.

“I was trying to cover up my bruises with a hoodie, but it was so hot outside I almost died”, Isak said. Even looked confused. Isak kept talking. “Jonas traded his shirt with me. This shirt. That’s why I smell like him.”

Now it dawned on Even. He looked at the shirt Isak was holding, then at Isak. He rinsed his mouth and spit in the sink again.

“Okay.”

Isak waited, but nothing followed. Just “okay” and that was it.

“I’m not lying.”

Even nodded. He turned to look at Isak properly.

“Okay.”

Isak was getting upset. His hands were shaking, he was holding on to the shirt tighter. His voice cracked when he spoke.

“I mean it. I just borrowed his shirt, you have to believe me.”

“Isak.” Even spoke low, and calm, and took the shirt from Isak. He had to kind of pry it off his hands. “I believe you. Please, please believe that I do.”

Isak took a couple of deep breaths. It was okay. Even believed him. Thank God, Even believed him.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Even wrapped his arms around Isak and hugged him. He was still holding the shirt, and as Isak pressed himself against Even’s chest all he could smell was Jonas.


	8. Chapter 8

Next day Isak called Jonas from home. He was feeling lazy, and payphones were expensive, and he wanted to show Even he had nothing to hide concerning Jonas. Even was in the kitchen washing the dishes to give Isak some privacy, but they both knew Even could hear every word Isak said.

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Hey.” Isak could hear Jonas' smile in the phone. He smiled a little bit, too.

“Have you come up with anything?”

Isak noticed he was listening intently on Even. What he was doing - washing the dishes, he could hear the plates and water - and if he was focusing on this phone call intently. He probably was. But there was nothing to hide.

“Actually, I have. It’s the best idea ever, and you’re not allowed to say no, because if you don’t do it then it’s not going to happen and that would suck, big time. Okay?”

Isak laughed a little, hesitantly.

“Okay?”

“No, you have to promise you will do it.”

“I don’t even know what it is!” Isak looked at the kitchen door through the mirror. He saw half of Even’s back, busy at work. “I’m not agreeing into anything blindly.”

“And I’m not telling what it is until you promise to come. So, I suppose we’re stuck.”

Isak bit his bottom lip. He wanted to say yes. He knew Jonas, and he knew whatever it was that got Jonas this excited was going to be great. He twirled the phone cord around his fingers and turned his back to the kitchen.

“Fine.”

“I need you to say it out loud, Issy.  _ I promise. _ Say it.”

“No.” Even would have heard it. He would have wondered. Isak knew this wasn’t a big deal, and Jonas knew it too, but Even might have - mistakenly - thought different.

“Oh, he’s listening? Fuck, am I on speaker?”

Isak shook his head, because he was an idiot.

“Yes. No.”

“Fuck, is this like the movies? Are you in trouble? Say ‘maybe later’ if you are.”

Isak laughed, surprised. And Jonas kept saying  _ he _ was dramatic.

“I’m not. It’s fine. Now tell me the plan.”

“You have to promise.”

“I can’t. Take it or leave it.”

Isak looked at the mirror. Even was still washing up.

“Fine”, Jonas sighed. “But you’re coming. This is not a matter of discussion. I will come kidnap you personally if need be.”

Isak made a little nervous giggle. It made him blush. Why was he blushing?

“Just tell me already!”

“Okay, okay. Jesus.” A dramatic pause. Isak could almost hear Jonas grinning through the phone. “We’re going to go to a cabin! Just the four of us. We leave Saturday morning and return Sunday night, and you have to have to have to come.”

Isak turned around to look at Even. He was quiet for so long Even looked over his shoulder at him, and seeing Isak’s face made him stop what he was doing and wipe his hands.

“What is it?” Even asked. Isak’s heart was sinking and fluttering at the same time. It sounded so awesome. A cabin trip, with just the guys, he really, really, really wanted to go. But what if Even wouldn’t let him?

“Jonas has an idea”, Isak said, letting Jonas know he was talking to Even now. “It’s a great idea.”

“I know it is”, Jonas muttered in the phone. Even didn’t say anything, just raised his brow in a question.

“He’s suggesting we go to a cabin. The four of us. Me, Magnus, Mahdi and him.” Isak left Jonas to the end of the list, and didn’t mention his name, on purpose. Maybe he kind of hoped Even had forgotten who they were talking about, or something.

“Just the four of you?”

Isak knew what Even’s question meant. He spun the cord tighter around his fingers, and nodded. Even was not invited to this party, and Isak kind of didn’t want him to be, either. This was about their group. Even wasn’t a part of it. Yet.

“Please? Can I go?”

Even looked almost amused.

“Now you’re asking for permission?”

“You don’t need his permission!” Jonas hissed in Isak’s hear. Isak licked his lips quickly.

“Yes. I am. Can I go, please?”

“You don’t need my permission to see your friends.”

Fuck. If Isak didn’t ask, he was wrong. And when he did ask, he was wrong again. He just couldn’t win, could he?

“In that case. Jonas? I’m coming. What time, where?”

“Yes! Come over at nine, Saturday morning. Bring a towel, we’re going swimming too. The water’s still warm.”

It had been forever since Isak had been swimming. He couldn’t go to the beach now, with his bruises, but a private cabin beach was going to be perfect. Isak was beaming when he got off the phone. Even had returned to the kitchen.

“Thank you”, Isak said.

“For what?”

“For letting me go. I really want to go, and I was so scared you wouldn’t let me.”

Even shrugged. With only one shoulder. Now that Isak looked at Even, his shoulders seemed tight, too.

“Don’t you want me to go?”

Even’s tight shoulders slumped forward. Isak’s did too. His body still remembered.

“Of course I don’t want you to go.”

Isak looked at Even, puzzled and angry. Why had Even ambushed him like this? It wasn’t fair! He had asked!

“Why did you say I could, then?”

“I don’t see what those things have to do with each other. I don’t own you.”

Isak touched the side of his neck, at the black and blue and purple mark that was screaming to the world that he belonged to Even. He remembered, now that he thought of it, how angrily Even had made them all.

“Would you like to?”

Even pulled the plug from the sink. He sighed.

“No.”

“Then why are you mad at me?”

“I'm not --” Even raised his voice, then noticed it and shut up. He rinsed the sink and dried it up, leaving it nice and shiny. A little gem of order in this mess of an apartment, glistening in the sunlight that flooded in through the window.

“I’m not mad at you”, Even said, turning to face Isak. “I’m a bit upset, but I can handle it. I’m not fragile. Right now.”

Even looked at the side of Isak’s neck, then averted his eyes quickly. He looked ashamed. Good. Isak wasn’t proud of his feelings himself, but he was happy that Even was regretting his actions.

“Why are you upset? You don’t have to worry about me and Jonas. It’s over. And Mahdi and Mags are there, too, and though I love them to bits I’m not going to kiss them. Let alone anything else.”

“I know”, Even said. He sounded calmer now. He started gathering the dark clothes from the piles all over the apartment. He was cleaning up. Isak kind of wanted to help, but he didn’t want to disturb Even’s distraction.

“Need a hand?”

“Nah. I’ll just wash one load.”

“Could you throw in a towel for me? We’re going swimming.”

Even nodded. Isak sat down on the edge of the bed to watch him work. He looked so normal. And still a bit upset.

“You didn’t tell me why you’re upset”, Isak reminded Even. The back of his neck got a red patch.

“It’s stupid”, Even mumbled. “It’s not what you think, I’m not jealous. Or, I am, but not because of --”

“Even, breathe. I can barely understand you.”

Even stopped, holding a pile of laundry in his hands. He took a couple of deep breaths.

“I’m jealous because I can’t come. I’m jealous because it’s the last weekend of summer, and I’m not with you to enjoy it.”

A lump got caught in Isak’s throat. He forced it down so he could speak.

“I’m. I’m sorry. But if I don’t go, it won’t happen, and. I want to go. I’ve spent the whole summer with you, or trapped in my room thinking about you, and I can’t --”

“The  _ whole _ summer?”

Isak grimaced. Even was right. He had spent half the summer with Jonas, too. But it wasn’t the same. It was so, so different to. Well. Anything.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Yes you did.” Even started gathering the clothes again. Then he fished out his keys from the dressing table. “I’ll be right back.”

“Promise?” Isak said. His voice sounded kind of squeaky. Even looked at him and flashed him a tiny smile.

“Promise. I’m not mad at you. Really.”

Isak nodded, barely. It was just so hard to believe. Isak had been so horrible. If he had acted like this at home, he would have been punished already, and a part of him felt like it was weird to not be disciplined. That part was pushing Isak’s fingers into his side, digging into a bruise hard enough for it to actually hurt.


	9. Chapter 9

Isak sat on the bed with his legs crossed, examining the camera. He made sure to hold it carefully, with both hands and on his lap, and he didn’t twist or pull or push anything. He just looked. Still he was a bit nervous when Even came back from his cigarette run. It felt like he had been caught red handed.

Even didn’t yell at him. He didn’t as much as frown.

“What are you going to do with that?” Even asked, with a calm, friendly smile. Isak placed the camera slowly on the bed in front of him.

“Could you teach me how to use it?”

“Of course. Let’s see if it has any battery left.” Even came to the bed and sat down, opposite to Isak. He took the camera and turned it on. Isak saw the green light. Even smiled. “At least some. Better charge it after the lesson, I assume you’re planning to use it? Are we going to make a sex tape?”

Isak blushed, from his neck to the tip of his hair.

“We’re not! God!” Isak would rather die than be caught on tape having sex. He was sure he was terrible at it, or at least looked terrible doing it. Even would look amazing, just like he felt, and Isak blushed a bit deeper yet.

“Just so you know, I’m not saying no if you some day ask us to make one”, Even said. Isak had to grab a pillow to power-cuddle with it for a bit.

“Duly noted”, he mumbled into the pillow case. Even raised the camera by his face and looked at Isak through it.

“So, what do you need the camera for?”

“Well.” It felt a bit silly. After all that talk about sex tapes and such, Isak’s plan was suddenly kind of childish. He still wanted to do it. “Since you can’t come to the cabin, I thought that I’d. That maybe you would like to see it. And me and the guys and. Maybe I’d like to keep a memory of that trip too.”

Even put the camera down to reveal his smile. It was warm. Isak was going to abandon him for the last days of summer, to go to a cabin with Jonas - and others! - and Even looked at him with only warmth.

“That sounds like a great idea. We must charge the battery, and the spare one too. I think I have some tapes around you can use.”

“You really think so? That it’s a great idea?”

Even nodded.

“I do. It’s so great. I can’t wait to see the cabin, and you taking a swim. Please make someone film you swimming for me. At sunset.”

“It’s summer! The sun barely sets at all!”

“I trust you will do your best for me.” Even turned the camera around and handed it over to Isak. He pointed at the scope. “Look through here. What you see in the frame is what will be recorded on the tape.”

Isak took the camera and looked through it. He looked at Even. Even flashed him an almost shy smile. He ran his fingers through his hair and his shoulders were awkwardly but alluringly pointy.

“Funny thing. I’m not used to being on this side.”

“You look amazing”, Isak said. “How do I record?”

“Press the button by your thumb. Do you see a red dot in the top corner of the frame?”

Isak moved his thumb. The dot appeared right where Even had told him where it would.

“Yes.”

“That means it’s recording. It focuses automatically. Wait.” Even scooted back on the bed. He was blurry for a little moment, then his image was sharp again. “Pretty neat, right?”

“Cool.” Isak let go of the button, and the red dot was gone. He lowered the camera and blinked. It had been a bit of a strain for his eyes.

“That’s the basics of it, really. Since you’re just going to document the trip there’s no need to teach you anything too fancy. If you wish, I can teach you when you get back.”

“Does the button have to be pressed all the time for it to record?”

“That’s just the setting I prefer to use. It makes the camera feel more natural, like it’s a part of me. Here.” Even showed Isak a little switch on the side of the camcorder. “Push this up, and when you push record once it starts, and when you push it again it stops.”

Isak gave it a go. He turned the recording on and let go of the button. The red dot remained. Okay. Good to know.

Even showed him how to rewind the tape and how to change the battery. Then he took the tape from the camera and showed Isak how to use the adaptor with the VCR. They watched the video. It was short, and shaky. Isak hadn’t noticed his hands had been shaking that much.

“You look incredible”, Isak said quietly. Even blushed a bit. Pleased.

“Don’t know about that. You look better, especially on camera.”

It was Isak’s turn to blush. Again. He looked at the camera. It looked like it had been gutted, with the tape hatch open and its insides empty.

“Give me the tape.”

Even raised his brow, curious, but did what Isak asked of him. He rewound the tape and gave it to Isak. Isak popped it into the camcorder and licked his lips quickly.

“I’m not going to have sex on tape. But. Maybe. Maybe we could, like. Kiss? Or something? Just a bit?”

Even looked intrigued. And pleased. Thank God. Isak gave the camera to him, so he could set it anywhere he thought would be suitable. Even placed it by the window, and turned the scope so he could look through it.

“A bit to the right, babe.”

Isak moved. Even laughed softly.

“Oh, sorry. Your left. A bit more. Perfect.”

Even returned to the bed. Isak looked up at him, suddenly a bit nervous.

“Is it on?”

“Yes. It’s recording.” Even sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at Isak and smiling. He placed his hand on Isak’s knee. His touch was light. It made Isak’s heart beat faster. “Shall we?”

Isak nodded, mute. He was ready. He was about to kiss Even, on tape. Like in a movie. He closed his eyes and tilted his head, leaning towards Even. His lips met Even’s, and melted into a gentle kiss.

The thought of how easily this could have turned into a sex tape felt arousing. It felt hot. Isak shifted a bit closer to Even and slid his hand along Even’s spine. Even returned the gesture, stroking at the curve of Isak’s lower back. His touch made Isak’s skin tingle.

Isak decided to not erase this tape. He would leave it for Even, so he could watch it while Isak was gone. Remember him. Remember this. There might be days when Isak was home and they would need to remember this, and having a tape at hand could be convenient. Isak sighed into the kiss and leaned a bit closer.

Even was panting when he pulled away from the kiss. He looked at Isak, his eyes dark and misty.

“I thought you didn’t want to have sex on camera.”

Isak blushed. He slid his hand back, away from Even’s inner thigh. Even was right, he didn’t want that.

“Sorry. I got a bit carried away there.”

Even hummed. He kissed Isak one more time, then he stood up.

“I’ll go turn the camera off and get the battery charging. You keep that thought you’re having right now, okay?”

Isak couldn’t stop blushing. Or smiling.


	10. Chapter 10

It got cloudy on Friday night, but Saturday morning dawned over a clear sky. Isak readjusted the backpack straps on his shoulders, rocking on his heels outside Jonas’ house. He was the first one there. He had woken up at seven and been crawling on the walls all morning and finally Even had, very lovingly, kicked him out.

Isak saw Magnus ride his bicycle towards him, with Mahdi riding behind him, and smiled. This was going to be so great. The best weekend of the whole summer, in a way. Isak was a bit sad Even wasn’t coming, but he had the camcorder in his backpack with two tapes and a spare battery.

“Hey!” Mahdi hopped off the moment Magnus stopped the bike. He high fived Isak, then rubbed his backside with a frowny pout. “Mags is many good things, but he rides a bike like a pothole enthusiast.”

“You could have walked! I offered to walk the bike with you.”

“I bet Mahdi likes a rough ride”, Isak cracked, because he wasn’t thinking. He didn’t get the laughing response he had been anticipating, and he knew perfectly well why. And blushed.

“Says the only one of us who gets to ride at all”, Mags groaned. The awkward cloud dissolved into giggles. Magnus locked his bike on the rack and looked up at Jonas’ house. “I thought we would be late.”

An unexpected horrible certainty filled Isak’s chest. All of a sudden he was certain that this wasn’t going to happen. That Jonas wasn’t going to come down, that the whole trip would be called off, simply because Isak had wanted it so much and he didn’t deserve it. Then the door opened and Jonas stepped out, grinning not with only his face but with his whole being.

“Heyy!” Mags ran to meet him and gave him a vigorous hug. “Thank you so much! This is going to be so great!”

Isak grinned at Mahdi, who pretended to roll his eyes at Magnus and his enthusiasm. Isak could see the love he had for their friend, and he could feel it too. Mags was amazing. Isak loved all his friends, but Mags was something special. Isak was so fucking happy he didn’t feel any lust towards him.

Jonas’ mother walked out as well. Isak, Magnus and Mahdi greeted her politely, then they all got to the car and packed it up.

“Shotgun!” Mahdi exclaimed and slipped to the front seat before anyone got to stop him. Jonas didn’t object, to Isak’s surprise and slight distress. Being crammed to the back seat wasn’t too nice to begin with, let alone doing so with Jonas.

“No!” Magnus opened the door and glared at Mahdi. “Jonas, I love you man, but don’t you think half a bottle of Axe is enough? Me and Issy will suffocate in the back seat with you, and that means Mahdi will sit with us.”

Jonas’ mom was in tears from laughing so hard at her son’s face. She ruffled his hair and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Magnus is right, sweetheart. You’d better sit in the front, we have a long drive ahead of us.”

Mahdi wasn’t happy, but he had to obey the driver if he wanted them to get anywhere. Isak got in the back seat with him and Magnus, and while it was crowded at least it was fine. Jonas wasn’t too close. Isak also didn’t understand the fuss about the way Jonas smelled, to Isak he smelled lovely. He smelled like Jonas.

The ride was fun. Jonas’ mom had a great sense of humour, and everyone was in a great mood. After an hour of driving they pulled over to stretch their legs, and Jonas gave everyone a juice box from a cooler in the trunk. Isak got one that tasted like strawberries.

“How much longer?”

“We’re about halfway there”, Jonas said. “Mom’s going to spend the night at her friend just half an hour drive away from the cabin. The same friend owns the place, so we better behave.”

Isak nodded, sucking on his straw. The sickeningly, perfectly, nostalgically sweet drink was still cold, and Isak drank it all in one go. A loud bang made them both jump. Mahdi had jumped on his empty juice box, and Magnus was following his example.

“Boys, no littering.”

Isak collected the trash faster than light. His heart was beating loud and hard, and his shoulders were tightening. Jonas touched his back gently.

“Issy, it’s okay”; Jonas whispered. Isak shook his head, barely. It was not okay. He was not okay, but he would be soon enough. It was summer, for two days more. He was on a road trip with his best friends. The sun was shining, and his mouth tasted like artificial strawberries. By the time they were back in the car Isak was breathing normally again.

The cabin was nice and private. They drove a tiny, one lane dirt road for the last couple of kilometres before they arrived to their destination. The cabin looked old, but it was in good condition. Isak noted there was an outhouse by the edge of the forest, and they had driven past a well.

“No running water?” Isak asked.

“It is if you hurry back from the well”, Jonas’ mom said. Everybody groaned.

“Mom, please, don’t”, Jonas begged. His mother just laughed at his face.

“Come on, boys, unpack the car. There is a bottle of cool chardonnay with my name on it, and our date is long overdue.”

“Don’t drink too much, you have to drive us back home tomorrow.”

Magnus chose that exact moment to pull out a bag that clattered and clinked very distinctively. Jonas’ mom winked at them.

“Not more than four beers each, boys. I don’t want any of you to get sick in the car.”

They unpacked everything and waved her goodbye as the car drove away. Jonas dragged his bag to the front porch and took the key from his pocket. The cabin wasn’t big. There was a common room, and a small kitchen nook, and two bedrooms. One with a bunk bed and one with a big double bed.

Jonas carried his bag and Isak’s backpack to the master bedroom. Isak’s heart was beating faster again. He was going to share a bed with Jonas. It was. It felt a bit like cheating, but it wasn’t like they were going to  _ do _ anything. Isak was fairly certain that by the time they actually crawled to bed they’d pass out before their head hit the pillow. It was the last weekend of summer, and sleeping would have been a waste.

Mahdi called the top bunk. Magnus was cool with that, but he did glance at Isak and frown a bit. Isak nodded. He was sure about this. It would be okay. It was over with him and Jonas, and they had slept in the same bed many times before anything weird was going on between them.

“There aren’t any light switches”, Magnus said, puzzled. Jonas nodded.

“No modern nonsense”, he said. “Back to nature, boys! I brought plenty of batteries for the flashlights and the boombox, we should be alright.”

Batteries. Isak remembered the camcorder. He dug it out from the backpack.

“What’s that?” Jonas asked. Isak hoped he wasn’t blushing.

“It’s Even’s camcorder. I thought we should document our last great outing.” Isak licked his lips quickly. His heart was suddenly a couple of times heavier. “Before school starts.”

Nobody had any objections. Isak turned the camera on and raised it up to his eye.

The first tape was recorded full by lunch. Isak wanted to show Even everything. He filmed the cabin, careful to not include his backpack in frame with the master bedroom. He took the camcorder outside and documented every detail of the yard. There was a fire pit close to the small rocky beach, and Isak couldn’t wait until tonight when they would go for a swim and warm up by the fire. He kicked his sneakers off and waddled in the water. It was nice and warm, and the way the sunlight was playing with his bare feet looked nice on camera. Maybe this could be something he and Even could enjoy together. Making films of their own.

“Is it cold?”

Isak jumped, almost dropping the camera in the water. His thumb slipped from the button and the camcorder stopped whirring. Isak’s blood rushing in his ears was making a similar sound.

“Not at all. It’s perfect.”

Jonas smiled and turned to look over the water. He was squinting in the sunlight.

“It is, isn’t it? Perfect way to end the summer.”

Isak smelled smoke in the air. Magnus and Mahdi had got the grill fired up. That was good, he was starving. They all had agreed to wait with the beer until they had eaten, since they were pretty isolated and getting too drunk might have been downright dangerous. Besides, they had only bought a six pack for each, and if they started too early they wouldn’t be able to get a proper buzz going tonight.

“Yeah”, Isak said, lowering the camcorder slowly. “Just perfect.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: self harm, cutting

Isak turned back to take the camcorder inside. Jonas grabbed his arm, and he almost dropped the thing on the rocks.

“Hey”, Jonas said. His voice was a bit low, and he had to clear his throat before continuing. “Would you mind spreading sun lotion on my back? It’s getting hot out here.”

Isak took the camcorder in his both hands so that he wouldn’t actually drop it. His heart was beating faster again, no matter how firmly he told it not to.

“Sure. You can do mine, right?”

“Right.”

Right. Good. Isak took a couple of deep breaths of the clean air of the forest. Just some protective measures. Skin cancer was no joke, and proper precautions were important. Isak was so happy Even had given him a hand job first thing in the morning. He was. Well. Satisfied. And not sure why he was thinking about hand jobs right now, so he decided to stop.

“Now?”

“The sooner the better, I’m starting to sweat.”

Isak nodded. He cradled the camcorder in his arms and walked briskly back to the cabin. He heard Magnus say something as he hurried past him and Mahdi, but didn’t have time to actually listen to him. His head was full of Jonas and his back.

Isak changed the tape and put the camcorder down on the bed. He would use it later tonight, to make sure he had something to put himself swimming on. Even wanted to see him swim. Isak kind of wished he didn’t have his fading hickeys be forever documented, but it didn’t  _ really _ matter.

“Did you find the lotion?” Jonas’ voice made Isak spin around. He wished he hadn’t. Jonas had taken off his shirt, and Isak simply wasn’t prepared for that.

“Sorry, I was changing the tape”, Isak mumbled. Jonas nodded, smiling, and opened his bag. The sun lotion was neatly on top of everything, like an afterthought. His mother had probably forced him to pack it. The click of the cap got Isak’s heart racing again.

“Ooh, sun screen!” Magnus cheered from the bedroom door. Isak blushed, profusely, and hid his hands in his pockets for no reason. “Let’s make a circle of it.”

Magnus pulled his shirt off and settled behind Jonas. Isak swallowed the lump from his throat and undressed as well. He stepped in front of Jonas, behind Mags, and held out his hand for Jonas to squirt a generous supply of sun screen lotion on his palm. It felt cool on his hand as he spread it on Magnus’ pale skin, but hot on his own back, under Jonas’ hands. Weird.

Isak was as careful as he could. He felt Jonas didn’t miss an inch of his skin. He made sure to spread the lotion absolutely everywhere, his fingertips even slipped accidentally under Isak’s waistband a couple of times.

“Should we do the front too?” Jonas laughed, and Magnus rolled his eyes at him.

“That’s a solo mission, mister. Give me some more.”

Jonas squirted more lotion, and Isak rubbed it all over his own chest and arms in hurried strokes. His back was still glowing heat, and his blushing provided enough energy to run a small village for a couple of weeks straight.

“What’s for lunch?” Jonas asked to fill the awkward silence of three guys rubbing their bare chests with lotion.

“Meat and veg skewers! Someone just needs to cut the veg.”

Isak hurried to volunteer. Jonas offered to assist, but Magnus insisted that Jonas needed to come help them with the grill. Isak was happy for the break, and he gave Magnus a grateful look as Mags guided Jonas out of the cabin with him. Isak went to the kitchen. It was small, but well equipped. There was a gas stove, that looked super scary. They’d probably stick to grilling their food.

Isak’s skin smelled like sun screen. It remembered Jonas’ hands. Isak closed his eyes and squeezed on the edge of the counter top for a moment. It was okay. He and Jonas were friends. Best friends. There was nothing going on between them, not anymore, and whatever Isak imagined had happened or not happened was all in his head. His head was about to burst. The pressure had been building up ever since he had been reunited with Jonas, and it was now getting critical.

The knife was sharp enough. Isak took an onion and cut it in half. He needed to start with the onions so he had a reason for his possible tears. He didn’t feel like crying, not yet at least. He wasn’t feeling like anything, really. Holding the knife, feeling the weight in his hand, was calming him down. Having a plan was calming him down.

Isak modelled the position of the knife and his hands carefully. He let the blade hover over the onion half and his hand behind it, the root of his thumb under the sharp edge. It was going to just slip, by accident, no big deal. No big deal at all.

He took his time. It had to look like an accident, but there was no reason for haste. Isak pressed the blade on his skin. It gave in under it, until it didn’t anymore. He cut slowly, savouring the pain, marvelling at the blood rising to the wound. He had to really focus so that he didn’t cut too deep. Just enough to hurt properly.

“This is my body”, Isak muttered under his breath. “This is my blood.”

“The grill is hot.”

Isak dropped the knife, cussing quietly. He grabbed his bleeding hand. Hopefully he hadn’t been lost in his head for too long.

“Shit. Are you okay?” Mahdi asked.

“Yes, yes”, Isak hurried to reply. He took a paper towel and pressed it on his cut. It stung nicely. “I was cutting the onion and the knife slipped. It’s okay.”

“Show me”, Mahdi said. Isak hesitated. But he gave Mahdi his hand, and Mahdi peeled the paper towel away gently. He examined the wound carefully. “You’ll live.”

Isak almost laughed.

“Thank you, doctor Disi. Do I get my lollipop now?”

“You’ll get your ass kicked. And a band aid, if you’re lucky.”

Isak was lucky. They found a medicine cabinet and there were band aids in there. Isak put one over his cut like a good boy. He couldn’t wait for some alone time when he could pick at the scab.

They finished cutting the onions and bell peppers together. Mahdi assembled the skewers, two for each boy, and carried the plate outside. Isak followed him sheepishly, hiding his hand behind his back. Luckily both Jonas and Magnus were focusing on the food actually getting on the way, neither of them seemed to notice Isak’s band aid.

Lunch tasted amazing. They sat on a log that had been lifted on some stones to form a bench, looking over the water, and ate in delighted silence. The summer was in its final, near violent bloom all around them, and they were together and alone. It was perfect. This trip was a great idea. Isak put his second empty skewer down and let out a little burp.

“Mmh. Thank you. It was delicious.”

“That’s because we did it together”, Jonas said with a satisfied grin. Magnus laughed at his face.

“Together? All you did was stand around and watch.”

“Only because I wasn’t allowed to touch the grill!”

“That was for your own safety! You tried to turn the skewers over with your bare hands!”

“I wasn’t going to touch the griddle, you know.”

Isak kind of phased out of the conversation. The smell of burning flesh filled his nostrils. Fire and brimstone. Hellfire.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this happened. I hope it's not too stupid or random.

Isak was on his knees on the rocks. The water glimmered so brightly it almost hurt his eyes. The soapy suds dissolved into the gentle waves. It did feel a bit stupid to wash only the cutting board, the knife and the platter, but it was a welcome break. The water felt nice on his hands, and the sun was on his back, and the rocks were warm under him. It was hard to feel bad when everything around him was so good.

Isak was very experienced at feeling bad, though. He looked at the knife, the blade under the water, and ran his fingertip along it. The metal was so seductive. Maybe he could get away with one more slip, just a tiny little accident, before he would get banned from touching knifes for the rest of the trip?

“Hey”, Mahdi said. This time Isak didn’t jump, he just looked up, a bit startled.

“Hey?”

“Mags and Jonas went to the well”, Mahdi said and squatted down. “I wanted to check in on you.”

“Oh?” Isak put the knife on the platter beside him on the rock. “For any particular reason?”

“Maybe.” Mahdi shrugged. He was looking at the horizon, squinting. “Even likes it rough, huh?”

Isak stared at his friend. He didn’t know how to respond. So he just blinked.

“I mean, he’s the one who made all these, right?” Mahdi gestured vaguely all over Isak. His hickeys had started to look more and more like ordinary bruises.

“Yes,” Isak said quietly.

“Does he like making them?”

Isak was squirming. He wasn’t comfortable having this conversation, not at all. It was too overdue. He could hear the accusation in Mahdi’s voice. He must have noticed, Isak thought. He must have seen how pained Isak’s movements had been regularly.

“Maybe I like getting them?”

Mahdi chuckled, shaking his head. There was a hint of a smile on his lips.

“You’re not like that.”

Isak raised his brows.

“Oh? How can you tell?”

“Because I am.”

Okay that was. Isak had not expected that. Not one bit. He stared at Mahdi with his mouth open, knowing fully well how rude of him that was. It was just. Surprising. Both the confession and its content.

“Really? Have you -- I mean, I thought you were still --”

“A virgin? Yeah, I’m pure like the morning dew. Can’t wait to find the right girl to take care of that. After she beats the shit out of me.”

Isak had to sit down. He so wasn’t ready for this information. At the same time he was kind of. Proud? Mahdi confined to him, and Isak could see the logic in that. Isak knew pain. He knew it so well. But Mahdi was right, he did not enjoy it, not like that. It was liberating, but not the least bit arousing.

“If you haven’t been with anyone, how can you tell that you like it?”

“Well.” Mahdi sat down as well, hugging his legs. He still wasn’t looking at Isak. “Remember the party? Where we were Spice Girls?”

Isak nodded, blushing. He remembered. Of course he remembered, his first kiss. And his second kiss.

“Heh, you’d better remember! I made out with  _ Jonas _ to save your ass. Anyhow.” Mahdi paused. Isak waited, patiently. It was his turn to be a friend to someone. It was a two way street, and he could take this. He would survive this conversation. “I kind of liked the lipstick. So, I looked into it. First I thought I wanted to dress like a chick.”

“But it wasn’t that?” Isak was really trying. He kept his voice level, and his hands steady. Mahdi needed to get this all out, because in addition to pain Isak knew secrets.

“No, it wasn’t. It wasn’t about being like a girl, or looking like one -- it was. I don’t know. It’s been a weird summer.”

Isak laughed. He couldn’t help it.

“You can say that again.”

“Long story short, there is a thing called feminization, and it’s not about being a girl but about being submissive, and that’s totally my thing.” Mahdi spoke fast, to get it all out before he had time to stop himself or they would be interrupted. Isak remembered the rush well. The near high of the unspoken truth finally breaking free.

“And you want to. Uh. Submit to some girl?”

“Yes.” Isak recognised the tiny little laugh Mahdi made. The relief. The liberation. He was glad he could give that to his friend. “Simply put, I want exactly that.”

“Okay.” Isak nodded slowly. He turned to look at Mahdi properly, and waited until Mahdi looked at him, too. “I hope you find her soon.”

Mahdi smiled a bit.

“Me too. Please don’t tell anyone.”

“Of course I won’t. Not a soul.”

They sat in silence for a moment. Isak licked his lips quickly.

“Did you seriously just ask if Even abuses me so you could tell me you would find it hot?”

“What? No!” Mahdi looked absolutely shocked. Good. It was easier to believe him. “Fuck, Issy, I really was worried about you! I wasn’t going to tell you, or anyone, anything.”

Isak nodded. Okay. Okay. This had been just a matter of timing.

“Sorry. I had to ask.”

“Yeah. I get it.”

They were both quiet again. Isak could hear Jonas and Mags back at the cabin, but they were apparently giving them some space. They must have had an aura of a serious talk or something.

“Do you think”, Isak started, not sure of how to continue. He took a little twig from a fault and snapped it in half. “I mean. I don’t need to do so, I’m just being hypothetical here. Do you think it would be possible to learn to like it? Being abused?”

Mahdi frowned.

“That doesn’t sound too hypothetical, you know.”

“Even isn’t hurting me, Mahdi. I swear to God.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure! I know --” Isak stopped himself, barely on time. He was fairly certain Mahdi knew about his parents, but he couldn’t be sure, and he sure as hell didn’t want to have  _ that _ conversation today. “He’s not hurting me.”

Mahdi nodded. Thank you, Jesus.

“Okay. Hypothetically. Abuse is always just that. Abuse. I am no expert, but everything I’ve learned about this says that it has to be something both enjoy, and that communication is the most important thing. I’m not too keen on the idea of getting beaten up by some random girl myself, either.”

“You’d be lucky to have a girl touch you with a stick, let alone beat you with it.”

For the briefest moment, just a flash, Mahdi looked really weird. Isak wanted to take his words back, but he couldn’t. Then Mahdi rolled his eyes, stood up and took the dishes with him.

“I’ll take these back.”

“Thank you. For telling me your secret.”

“But not for the dishes?”

Isak laughed, relieved. Mahdi had forgiven his stupid joke.

“Well, fine. Thanks for the dishes, too.”

“Don’t mention it. Please.”

Isak placed his hand on his heart and nodded solemnly. He would keep Mahdi’s secret. He would carry half of its weight with him. Because that’s what friends do.


	13. Chapter 13

Isak managed to relax his shoulders by the time he reached the cabin. His breathing was still a bit shallow, but it was probably discreet enough. Mahdi’s words had left him thinking, and his thoughts hadn’t been following pleasant paths. Paths of abuse. Pain. Getting accustomed to things. How easily things started to feel normal.

How simple it was to miss normal things.

Isak was so happy to be here. At the same time he knew he shouldn’t have come. His place was with Even, by his man’s side, with the boy he had thrown his whole life away for. The boy who had kissed him, and with his kiss started a chain of events that had torn Isak’s life apart.

He looked at his friends, who were preparing a dart throwing league with an elaborate scoring system they were totally making up themselves. They all looked so happy. Yet they all had secrets, heavy and hard secrets, that were scraping on their skin from the inside out, fighting to break free. Despite all that, they were laughing, and goofing around, and something must have been broken inside Isak really badly, because he couldn’t do the same anymore.

He was not going to let that keep him from trying, though. Magnus almost toppled over when Isak suddenly jumped on his back for a piggyback ride. He shrieked with surprised laughter. His bare back was warm from all the sun.

“Pile!” Jonas shouted, and that was all the warning anyone got. Jonas jumped on Isak’s back, and Mahdi on Jonas, and that was when Magnus finally fell on the grass, taking all three of them with him into a tangled pile of arms and legs and giggles.

Okay, Isak thought, maybe he could do this after all. His laughter sounded light. It felt light. And when someone, probably Mahdi, turned the pile into a tickle war Isak’s laughing turned into exhilarated shrieking. He was gasping for air, squirming and writhing, trying desperately to both avoid getting tickled and to tickle as many ribs as he possible could at the same time. He barely even registered it if someone poked into one of his bruises, and he sure as hell didn’t mind.

A minute or so later they were all lying on their back in the grass, panting. Jonas reached over and picked a leaf from Isak’s hair.

“Why did we wait until the end of the summer to finally do something like this?” Magnus groaned. Isak glanced at Jonas. And Mahdi.

“It’s been a weird summer”, Isak said. “And at least we’re all here now?”

“Preach, brother!” Mahdi clapped his hands together. “The boys are back in town!”

Jonas got up leaning on his elbows and looked around slowly.

“Maybe, if it’s the opposite day.”

“If it’s the opposite day we’re all girls”, Magnus chimed in.

“And none of you is an idiot”, Isak added. Mahdi poked at his ribs gently with his elbow.

“Shut up, Baby Spice.”

Isak laughed, and it felt surprisingly effortless.

“That reminds me. Which of you was crowned Slutty Spice?”

Jonas laughed from the bottom of his belly. He was holding his stomach with both hands, his head tilting back.

“Fuck, I had forgotten all about Slutty Spice! I don’t really know, we had to come running after you before that was resolved.”

Isak blushed. He hadn’t expected this question to backfire like this. He probably should have, if only he wasn’t an idiot.

“I haven’t thanked you properly for that night. All of you. I’m sorry I bailed on you, and disappeared like that.”

“Look, if I had found a girl who wanted to take me to her place, I would have ditched you all in a heartbeat”, Magnus stated. “I would have disowned you all, three times over!”

“Me too”, Mahdi agreed. Jonas just hummed.

“I still am sorry.”

“In that case, you’re now officially forgiven”, Jonas said. He got up on his feet and held his hand out for Isak. Isak took it, letting Jonas pull him up. They took a fraction of a second too long to let go, they stood just a blink too long too close together. They both stepped back at the same time.

“Time for me to kick your ass in our league of darts.” Jonas was grinning. Magnus crawled up and glared at him.

“We’re not calling it that!”

“We’re also not calling it dartbeat.”

“Dartbeat? That must be Magnus’ idea.”

“Because it’s so clever?” Magnus tried, knowing the answer. But Isak surprised him, just to see his face.

“Exactly.”

Isak was not disappointed.

They ended up calling it the league of darts, and Jonas kicked their ass at it. It was a long and complicated game, and half of Jonas’ victory was due to everyone else getting hungry and bored. Isak had forgotten half the rules by the end of the game anyway, and he was more focused on banter than actual performance. It took a lot of concentration, too. He had to be careful to not reveal any secrets, and the hungrier he got the harder it was.

“Can we eat something? Please?”

“Finally!” Mahdi jumped up and hopped to fire up the grill. Magnus followed him.

“What? You’ve been waiting for Isak to get hungry?”

“Like Jonas would listen to either of us?”

They both laughed. Isak looked at Jonas. Jonas looked away.

While Magnus and Mahdi were cooking up dinner Isak went to find the boombox. It was in the cabin, and the battery case was empty. That was good, no leaking batteries, and Jonas had brought ample supply. Isak put all eight batteries inside and turned the thing on. It worked.

“Here.” Jonas tapped on Isak’s shoulder with a CD. Isak turned to take it. He recognised the band logo with the first glance.

“Oasis? I thought you hated them.”

Jonas smiled, the tiniest bit.

“I might have said that to seem cooler. You know, since everyone and their grandmother love them.”

“I’m pretty sure not many grandmothers love Oasis.”

“Maybe not. But still, I don’t hate them. They’re okay. This is a good album. It’s better for a cabin than Prodigy.”

Isak had to agree. And he was happy Jonas hadn’t brought Prodigy on this trip. It belonged to them, not to the whole group. He opened the case and put the disc in the player. He pressed play, and heard Magnus cheer an excited  _ woo _ from outside.

“I’m going to have a beer with dinner. You want one?” Jonas asked. Isak nodded. A beer sounded great right about now. He went to the kitchen to get one, but couldn’t find them anywhere.

“What’s happened to the beer?”

Jonas grinned, very pleased with himself.

“Me and Mags took them to the well! We rigged them so they’re under water, where they keep cool. That’s why it took us so long to get back.”

“I must admit that is impressive”, Isak said. And the thought of walking to the well with Jonas was a nice one, too. It would be nice to shed at least one secret off his shoulders for a moment. “Shall we get them?”

“A little walk in the woods does wonders for one’s appetite.”

“Where are you going?” Magnus asked when they were walking away. Jonas rolled his eyes, only for Isak to see.

“To get the beers. We’ll be right back.”

“I’ll come with you. To make sure you won’t break the rig.”

Isak sighed.

“I’ll keep an eye on him, okay?” He turned to look at Magnus. Right in the eye. Please, Mags. Isak needed a break. Just a little breather.

“You’d better watch Mahdi won’t burn the cabin down”, Jonas suggested. Isak heard the impatience in his tone.

Thank God, Magnus gave up. He waved his hand at them in a vague goodbye, and turned back to the grill. Jonas grabbed Isak’s wrist lightly.

“Come on, before he changes his mind.”

Isak let Jonas walk him away from the cabin, into the cover of the trees.


	14. Chapter 14

Jonas let go slowly. His fingers lingered on Isak’s wrist, and Isak’s skin was, for a moment, completely focused on that touch. How it was getting lighter and lighter until it faded away, only to be sorely missed. But it was over. They were over, and it was good, because for this trip Isak had experienced little glimpses, flashes, of happiness from days that used to be. Before he had been permanently broken.

“Seriously, what’s his problem?” Jonas huffed. “It’s like he’s trying to smother me. If I didn’t know better I’d say he’s in love with me.”

Isak tried to laugh.

“That bad, huh? Good thing you like being the center of attention.”

“I do not”, Jonas tried. They both knew it was a lie. Jonas half smirked, half shrugged. “Someone has to take charge of things or they won’t get done.”

Isak stopped walking. He waited until Jonas stopped too and looked at him. He looked at Isak for a moment and stepped to him, wrapping his arms around him.

“Hey. Hey. What’s the matter?”

Jonas smelled so good. He felt even better. Isak hugged him, tightly, then he let go. He squirmed free, blushing for no reason.

“I just needed a hug. And a break. Thank you.”

“Need another one?” Jonas was still standing there, his arms a bit spread. Isak hesitated. And shook his head.

“No, I’m good. Thanks.”

They started walking again. Isak kept glancing at Jonas. Jonas looked normal, thank God. He looked like Jonas. It was so good to be alone with him, not having to constantly worry about saying something that might have given their past away. Or their present. Jonas was right, Magnus was getting a bit intense.

“I’ve missed this”, Isak said. Jonas hummed, raising his brow, asking for Isak to clarify. “Us. Being friends with you. It feels right.”

Isak didn’t say out loud that being something more than friends with Jonas had felt wrong. He hoped Jonas wasn’t figuring it out on his own. That was all he could do now.

“It does”, Jonas said. Softly. “There’s the well.”

Jonas hurried his steps to the concrete ring that was covered with a lid made of boards. He lifted the lid aside and grabbed a rope that had been tied on a ring on the well’s side. Isak watched Jonas pull the metal bucket up. The beers were sitting in it, in cold water, and Isak had no idea how Magnus could have imagined that this was even a two man job, let alone three.

Isak took eight bottles of beer in his arms. The cold bottles raised his skin to goosebumps. They should have brought a bag or something with them, but they had been in such a hurry to run away they hadn’t had time to really think about any details. While Isak was holding the bottles Jonas put the rest from the bag into the bucket and lowered it down carefully.

“Can you manage?” Jonas asked. Isak nodded.

“Can we walk back slowly? I love you guys, but it’s just. I need a break, you know?”

Jonas smiled.

“Of course. Take all the time you need.”

It must have been some kind of a slowness record in fetching beer. By the time Isak and Jonas were finally back at the cabin dinner was almost ready. It smelled delicious. Magnus had made packets of tin foil, filled with vegetables and potatoes, and put them on the grill. They had some smoked fish to go with them, and Mahdi toasted them bread on the griddle. Isak ate five slices just like that.

“Now what?” Mahdi asked, as they were lying on the grass, trying to pass their food.

“We can’t go swimming on a full stomach”, Magnus said. He was right. Besides, Isak was so stuffed he felt like he would have sunk like a rock.

“I think I saw a pack of cards inside. We could play something?”

“Yes! That’s a great idea.” Jonas was immediately into it. Then he grinned. “Go get the cards, since you know where they are.”

Isak groaned. He should have known. But he had dug this hole himself, and it was his own fault he had fallen in it. He pulled himself up on his feet, burped loudly and waddled to the cabin. In hindsight, he should have had only four pieces of toast. Maybe only three.

“While you’re at it, turn the volume up?”

Isak waved his hand and grunted. Fine, fine.

“And bring us beer?”

Isak rolled his eyes. Seriously? But he was already on the move. He turned the volume up, fetched the cards and on his way back he got four beers with him. He gave one to each of his friends and sat down with a pleased sigh.

Jonas held his bottle up.

“To summer”, he said. Everyone heard the words Jonas had left out.  _ To our last summer. _ Nobody wanted to think about it. They just raised their bottles and clinked them together, then took a long swig in unison.

After losing for the twentieth or so time Isak threw his cards on the ground and stood up.

“I’m done. I’m going to get the second batch of beer and then take a swim.”

This time Isak took a bag with him. He didn’t take Jonas, and Magnus didn’t offer to come this time, either. Isak could handle this himself.He got the cold beers up and in the bag easily. When Isak walked back to the cabin, he was being pointed at with the camcorder. He flashed Even a hesitant smile through it.

“Hello?”

“Hey”, Magnus said from behind the camera. “I thought your man would like to see you walk to him.”

Isak blushed a bit. He was suddenly very self aware. But Even liked the way he looked. At least that was what he said. Over and over again.

“Well, here I am. With beer.” Isak raised the bag. “Going to go for a swim next. The sun is setting soon.” 

“What, you’re a gremlin?”

Isak scoffed.

“I hope you mean mogwai. And the rule is no sunlight at all and never get it wet.”

“Remind us, Issy”, Jonas said, taking a beer from the bag Isak was carrying. “How many times have you seen that movie?”

“I don’t know. Twenty? It’s great.”

“Not that great.” Jonas looked at the camera. “Right, Even? When you see this, tell your boyfriend his obsession with Gremlins is not healthy.”

Magnus put the camcorder down, frowning the slightest bit. Isak pushed a beer in his free hand.

“Dont’ drop the camera”, he said. Magnus was handing it over to him, but he declined. “I’d like you to shoot me when I go swimming. Even asked to see it.”

Talking about getting recorded in his swimwear for Even to look at made Isak blush intensely. It was contagious. Mags blushed too, but nodded.

“Sure. I can do that. Mahdi and Jonas can get the fire going while we are shooting.”

“Sounds good. Let me change.” Isak left the beer bag on the ground and went to the bedroom. He dug out his swim trunks from his backpack and threw them on the bed. There was a lace curtain over the window, and Isak could see three figures through it.

He took his towel with him on his way out. It felt weird. Being the only one in a bathing suit. About to be filmed. But Even had asked for this one thing, and Isak wanted to give it to him. These were his friends. He could do this.

Magnus followed Isak to the beach, past the fire pit and to the rocks on the water front. The sky was starting to get an orange glow from the setting sun. Isak looked at Magnus over his shoulder and handed his towel over to him. Then he nodded.

“You can start shooting”, he said. Magnus smiled at him, and raised the camcorder to his face. Isak saw the red light, looked into the camera and smiled a bit. This is for you, Even.

The water was still nice and warm. Isak walked forward slowly, careful to not slip or trip on the rocks under his feet. He walked slowly, trying to give Even something more to look at than just a splash of water. He walked until the water was waist deep, then he squatted and pushed with his legs. He glided into the water’s gentle caress.

Isak swam a few strokes, then he turned around and swam back. He hoped Even would be happy with this footage. He knew he could have done more, but he didn’t feel like going all out in front of his friends. His feet met the bottom again and he walked to the shore, his body dripping water and his lips curved into a smile.

“Thanks, Mags”, Isak said. “You can put it away now. The water’s lovely, come join me?”

“Don’t mind if I do”, Magnus said. “I’ll take the camera inside where it’s safe.”

Isak turned to face the water again. He got in and swam, with long, slow strokes, towards the red, glowing sky.


	15. Chapter 15

The sun set, but it didn’t get dark on their beach. The fire Mahdi and Jonas had started in the fire pit was burning high, and they spent almost two hours going back and forth between the warmth of the fire and the water. The wind had died for the night, and the stars above them were reflected from the smooth surface. It was like swimming in space. Isak couldn’t get enough of it. He swam further away than the others, so far that without the fire he wouldn’t have found his way back to the shore. But the fire was there. The sounds of his friends were there.

Isak floated on his back, and with his ears under water the voices and the music were practically gone. Isak was alone in the dark, looking up into the vast sea of stars. He felt alone in the universe, and that was comforting and terrifying at the same time. He was peaceful, but he was lonely, and he couldn’t help but wonder if those would always be his only options.

He heard the water stir. Someone was swimming close by. Isak turned his head to look, but he didn’t see anyone. He looked over to the beach, and saw Magnus and Mahdi sitting by the fire.

“Jonas?” Isak asked. Jonas didn’t answer. Isak took one more look around. “Jonas, you need to tell me you haven’t drowned.”

“I haven’t”, Jonas said from the darkness. Isak turned to the direction of his voice and saw a black lump in the middle of the reflection of the sky. Isak pushed his legs down, treading water.

“Hey”, Isak said, quietly. Jonas was close, and the water carried sound well. Isak started swimming closer.

“Don’t”, Jonas whispered. “Please.”

Isak stopped. He could barely make out Jonas’ face. It looked focused. Jonas was watching him really closely.

“Why?” Isak asked. His voice got caught in his throat.

“I want to remember this image”, Jonas said. “The stars. The water. You. Please.”

Isak knew he should have asked why. But he didn’t ask. He didn’t want to know. Jonas didn’t ask much in general, and this was something that would take no effort from Isak at all. He lifted his legs slowly and turned on his back again.

He wasn’t feeling lonely anymore.

He wasn’t feeling peaceful, either.

Isak kept lying there until he could hear Jonas swim away. He turned to look at the beach and the fire, and when he saw Jonas climb out of the water he headed for the shore himself.

“Fuck, Issy, your lips are completely blue”, Magnus gasped. “By the fire, now.”

Isak had to admit, getting a warm towel thrown over his shoulders did feel good. He sat down on a log bench by the fire pit, basking in the glowing heat. Magnus complained he was getting hot and headed for the water. Isak huddled up tighter inside his towel.

“Better?” Mahdi asked, handing Isak over a beer. It was his last one, and that was a good thing. He didn’t want to get too drunk. He was happy with the dull buzz he was having now, enough to smother his sharpest feelings.

“Yeah. Thanks.” Isak took a sip from the beer. It wasn’t cold anymore. It didn’t matter, he was going to drink it anyway. Jonas got up, and then the music stopped. Isak turned to look. Jonas was changing the CD. He put some hit mix album in the player. Isak faced the fire again, but when he heard the first notes his blood froze in his veins.

Runaway train.

He hadn’t thought about Even all night. Not since his first swim. He didn’t want to think about Even, and that felt horrible. He was the worst boyfriend ever. He was feeling so guilty for having fun here with his friends, in this beautiful night, while Even was home alone and probably miserable.

Jonas sat down right next to Isak. He wrapped his arm around Isak’s shoulders and pulled him against his side. Isak curled up there.

“What is it?” Jonas whispered. Isak shook his head. His cheek was rubbing on Jonas’ collarbone.

“Nothing. I’m just sad.”

“That’s really not nothing, Issy.” Jonas felt so warm. Isak had been in the water way too long. He was shivering with cold.

“Come here.” Jonas guided Isak on the rock between him and the fire. He took the towel and used it as a blanket over Isak, while pulling Isak’s back against his chest. Isak complied. Jonas felt warm, and this way he was closer to the fire and the warmth. And he didn’t have to face Jonas at all. Perfect.

They sat like that for the rest of the night. Isak didn’t want to go swimming anymore, now that he was finally warmed up, and Jonas didn’t seem to be too keen on the idea either. He sat there, letting Isak lean on him, and all four of them kept chatting and drinking until they ran completely out of beer.

Mahdi was the first one to yawn. It was really contagious, and after the third round of all of them yawning in turn Jonas finally suggested they should get to bed. Isak’s skin against Jonas’ felt suddenly almost electrified. He got super aware of every inch of them touching.

“Speaking of beds”, Magnus said. He looked at Jonas with a frown Isak couldn’t really interpret. “I want to sleep in the big bed. The bunk is too small for me.”

Isak felt Jonas grab him tighter. Or, more likely, imagined it happening.

“You won’t get it all for yourself, you know?” Jonas asked. Magnus nodded.

“I know, I know. Half of the big bed is still more than the bunk, and I am willing to fight you for it if I have to.” Magnus’ speech was slurring a bit. Isak shifted. It wasn’t like he would sleep anyway.

“You can take the big bed with Jonas”; Isak said. Magnus shook his head.

“You’re too tall for the bunk bed. We’ll take the master bedroom, and Jonas and Mahdi can share the other room.”

“I’m still taking the top bunk”, Mahdi stated. Jonas groaned. Magnus kept staring at him, with his best glare, and Isak was starting to feel a bit squirmy.

“Fine”, Jonas grunted. “Whatever you wish, your highness.”

“Hey. That’s not necessary”, Mahdi remarked. Isak agreed.

“Please, guys. It’s been such a great day, let’s not start a fight in the home stretch.”

Jonas stood up behind Isak. His body slid along Isak’s back, and when he was gone Isak felt cold again. Magnus stood up too, and for a moment they were just staring at each other, while Isak and Mahdi looked at them in confusion.

Magnus grinned. Jonas smirked. Then they shook hands, and Isak felt his shoulders relax. There wasn’t going to be a fight. Thank God.

They put the fire out carefully and retreated to the cabin. Jonas moved his things to his and Mahdi’s room, while Mags moved in with Isak. Isak noticed he was kind of relieved and disappointed at the same time. Snuggling up with Jonas all night had been so nice, and he couldn’t do the same with Magnus.

Isak switched his swimming trunks to his underwear. Magnus had already crawled in on his side of the bed. Isak slipped under the blanket and turned off the flashlight. It got dark. Isak could hear Magnus breathing. Then he heard him stop breathing. For a long time.

“Mags?” Isak whispered. Magnus sighed.

“We need to talk.”


	16. Chapter 16

Nothing good ever followed a we need to talk. Isak knew that. He was tensing up involuntarily, pulling back his stomach, almost folding his arms and legs. His heart was racing and his mouth felt parched. He waited, but nothing happened. The longer he had to wait, more nervous he was getting. He knew in his head and in his heart, that Magnus would not do anything remotely bad to him, but his body hadn’t got the memo.

“Yeah?” Isak more breathed than whispered. Magnus turned on his side to face him. He was quiet for some more, then he sort of deflated. Defeated.

“I need to know what happened at the well.”

First Isak didn’t understand. Then he did, and something rushed through his body. He didn’t know what it was, fear or shame or anger, but it felt warm and red. Magnus thought Isak had done something with Jonas, when they had been alone.

“Nothing?”

“Are you sure?”

“What the fuck, Mags? Don’t you think I can tell the difference?”

Magnus shifted. He didn’t have anything to say for himself, so Isak kept speaking.

“Is that what -- is that why you have been clinging to Jonas all day? To keep an eye on us?” Isak was starting to recognise the rush. It was anger. And shame. He sat up on the bed. “So that something doesn’t happen?”

“Shhh, Issy, please. Stop yelling.”

“I’m not yelling!” Isak hissed through his teeth. He was not. Maybe. He was whispering very loudly, but that was not yelling.

“Well don’t yell a bit quieter?”

Isak bit his lip to calm himself down. The sting gave him something to focus on.

“There’s nothing going on between me and Jonas. We called it off weeks ago, and it hurt, it still hurts, and there’s a part of me that will always love him like that, and sometimes that part has a sharp edge that cuts me from the inside out, but there is nothing, nothing happening.”

“So, when Jonas jerked off in the water watching you, that was nothing?”

Luckily Isak was too shocked to make a sound. He did scream “What?!” but only internally. What Magnus was saying was absurd, and still, it wasn’t. If Isak really thought about it, it wasn’t that far fetched.

“I can’t tell if this is shocked silence or guilty silence, Is.”

“Fuck you”, Isak gasped. He regretted it immediately, but it was too late. “I told you there’s nothing going on.”

“Mm.” Magnus sighed. Deep. Heartbreaking. Or heartbroken. “I saw him. It’s way darker to look from the water to the light than out from the shore, and I think Jonas thought he was way more invisible than he actually was.”

Isak stared at Magnus. He didn’t really see him, but he knew where Mags was. Besides, he was looking inside his head now. The sky and the stars were high above him. The water carried his body effortlessly, caressing his skin gently. Isak was trying to listen if Jonas made any suspicious sounds, but he couldn’t remember hearing anything. Or seeing. I want to remember this image. Fuck. Fucking Jonas.

“Magnus you have to be totally sure about this. Did he really..do that?”

“Yes! I saw his arm move in a way an arm moves only with one purpose, then he kind of froze, and then swam away. Besides.” Magnus hesitated. Isak’s brain was running way too fast, every thought was just a blur. His heart was stuck in his throat, and his arms and legs felt cold.

“Besides what?” Magnus had revealed this much, he couldn’t possibly stop now. Isak had to know everything.

“I didn’t notice it back then. When it was you looking at him like he looks at you now when you’re not looking.”

It took Isak a moment to understand what Magnus had said. That Jonas was. Looking at him. The way he had been looking at Jonas back when -- when?

“Like how?”

“Like he’s in love with you.” Isak could hear Magnus wasn’t glad to speak those words. It wasn’t his place. If Jonas was in love with Isak, it wasn’t Mags’ business one bit. Isak wasn’t sure if it really was his business, either, but then again Jonas had made it his business when he had jerked off while watching him.

Isak felt violated and flattered at the same time, and his battered, fucked up heart wasn’t helping at all.

“And that’s why you have spent the whole day trying to keep Jonas away from me. Because he looks at me like he loves me. Instead of, like, maybe talking to him? Or me?”

“I wasn’t sure if I was right!” Magnus squeaked. Isak’s empathy was running surprisingly low. “But when he did that. Thing. In the water. I knew. I couldn’t let him in the same bed with you, not now when you’re finally made up your mind and happy with Even.”

“I need air”, Isak whispered and got out of bed. He fumbled in the dark to find his clothes. He found some clothes and decided that was good enough. At least they fit alright, so they were probably his.

“Isak --”

“No, no. You go to sleep. I’ll just catch some oxygen and be right back.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes. I’ll have a chat with Jonas tomorrow. After everything we’ve been through there really aren’t - or shouldn’t be, at least - any secrets between us. It’s going to be alright, Mags. Go to sleep.”

Isak wished Magnus was drunk and comfortable enough to not want to leave the bed. He got his wish. When he got outside Mags didn’t follow him. He was probably watching Isak through the window, but it didn’t matter. Isak walked to the shore and sat down by the fire pit.

It was a beautiful night. It was so quiet, everywhere, but the presence of nature felt strong all around Isak. It was like he belonged into something bigger than just himself. All this darkness around him was full of life, if only dormant until dawn. The rocks were still warm. Without the fire the stars were even brighter. Isak looked into the water and was floating in space again. Just him and his tangled up thoughts.

Isak heard the cabin’s door open. He cussed under his breath and pulled his legs up against his chest, so he could hide behind them. He leaned his forehead on his knees and listened to the steps approaching him, wishing with everything he had that he would be left alone now. He was praying that everyone would just let him be. Please, God. Just this once.

God wasn’t listening. Isak heard the steps come all the way to him. He was just about to open his mouth and tell Mags that yes, they were still friends, yes, Isak would forgive him, but could he please just fuck off now, when he smelled it. Axe Africa.


	17. Chapter 17

Jonas sat down next to Isak, close enough for Isak to feel the warmth radiating from his body. It felt like gravity.

“Can’t sleep?” Jonas asked. Isak shook his head, without raising it. He didn’t want to look at Jonas now. He must have been beautiful in the pale starlight.

“How long has that been going on?”

Isak shrugged.

“On an off? I don’t know.” Isak’s mouth was feeling dry. His tongue was like sanding paper. The words he wanted to speak kept catching on it.

“Fuck, this view is pretty. I want to paint it when we get back home. Care to be my spotter?”

Isak dug his fingernails in the side of his knee. Jonas was being so  _ normal. _ He was being Jonas. His Jonas, his best friend, not anything complicated. Isak couldn’t take it anymore.

“Are you in love with me?” Isak whispered. Jonas stopped breathing with him. The night around them fell completely silent. Isak was seeing bright spots against his closed eyelids, like tiny shooting stars.

“Yes”, Jonas said. Isak could finally inhale. Air pushed into his lungs, and the invasion made his chest hurt. Or maybe it was simply cracking. Jonas loved him. One summer too late.

“I’m with Even”, Isak said. “I chose Even.”

“I know.” Jonas sounded calm. He sounded strong. Isak leaned in, tipping over towards Jonas, and Jonas took him under his arm.

“That’s not fair”, Isak whispered, still against his knees. He had curled up into a tight little ball, and let Jonas hold him, because he was too weak to not be held right now.

“I know.”

“I have a million questions. I don’t know where to start.”

Jonas stroked on Isak’s back gently. It was like a soft massage. The urgency of lust that Isak’s skin remembered so well was gone. Jonas wasn’t trying anything, he was just comforting.

“We have all night.”

Isak nodded. His thighs were starting to cramp up from being curled up this tightly. He had to start to relax, bit by bit, because his body couldn’t take it anymore. He lowered his legs, but kept his arms wrapped around himself. He needed some protection. Jonas let him take his time. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t move. He just was there, smelling and feeling like Jonas.

Isak raised his face slowly. He had been right. Jonas was beautiful in starlight. He was looking out over the water, breathing steadily, his strong chest moving gently up and down like a wave. Isak was rocking on it. It felt safe. Jonas felt safe. Isak lifted his hand slowly, up on Jonas’ cheek, to turn his face. Jonas looked at him. His eyes were reflecting the stars.

Isak reached up and pressed his lips on Jonas’ lips. They tasted the same as always, except now with a hint of beer. They were so soft and warm and familiar. Then they turned away.

“No”, Jonas whispered. His fingers crept up in Isak’s hair. “Not now. Maybe not ever, but not now.”

Shame rushed over Isak, drowning him. He had kissed Jonas, and Jonas had rejected him. Wasn’t Jonas supposed to love him? What game was he playing?

“I’m sorry, should I go in the water so you can jerk off?”

Jonas got tense. Isak pushed himself away from him and wrapped his arms around himself tighter. He had angered Jonas.

“Did you notice that?”

“No. Magnus told me.”

“Fucking Magnus!” Jonas hissed through his teeth. “What exactly did he tell you?”

“I don’t know! Does it matter? You jerked off in secret while watching me, and that’s fucked up!”

“I know! That’s why I stopped so fast! As soon as I realized what I was doing I stopped and swam away.”

Isak sucked on his lips for a bit. He didn’t know how to feel about all this.

“How fast?”

Jonas groaned, rolling his eyes.

“I don’t know. Twenty seconds? Thirty? Less than a minute, and Mags can go fuck himself for thinking I last less than a minute, and then he can go fuck himself again for -- wait.” Jonas paused for a moment, to think. “How did you know I’m in love with you? Did you listen to the tape?”

Tape? Isak almost asked  _ what tape _ but then he remembered. The tape he never heard because Even threw it away.

“I don’t have it anymore.”

“Okay, then how --”

“Did you tell me you love me on that tape?” Isak interrupted. Jonas looked guilty enough, he didn’t have to answer. Isak stared at him, his eyes wide. “Fuck, really?”

“I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t have done it. It wasn’t right, I was just. I had just seen you kiss him, on the street in the rain, and. I was heartbroken.” The tiniest, saddest smile crossed Jonas’ lips. “I suppose I still am.”

Isak slapped him on the chest. His hit lacked strength, but was filled with sentiment.

“Fuck you! You don’t get to break your heart over me after what you did to mine!”

Jonas looked like Isak had just punched his chest in. He nodded.

“I know. I’m not. I’m not asking anything from you, Issy. I know you’re happy with Even, and you were miserable with me, so this is really a no-brainer.”

Isak wanted to hit Jonas again. He held his hand back. It was shaking. Isak was shaking. He was about to shatter.

“I’m not happy”, Isak squeaked. It was a confession, not only for Jonas but for himself, and he couldn’t stop shaking. “I’m not happy.”

He kept saying it over and over again. He wasn’t happy. He wasn’t. Every time he said it made him crumble a bit more.

“It’s not fair”, Isak whimpered. “I have a boyfriend and I love him and he loves me, and third year is just about to begin, and I’m free from all the punishments and rules. I should be happy. Why am I not happy?”

Jonas placed his hand on Isak’s shoulder. All it took was a little nudge, and Isak crashed into Jonas’ arms. Jonas wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

“I’m so sorry, Issy”, Jonas whispered. Isak could hear his heart beat. It sounded so familiar and comforting.

“My best friend is in love with me and I don’t know what to do. What if I’d be happy with him?” Isak knew he was sounding strange. Making no sense. But he needed to talk about this with someone, and Jonas was the only person he wanted to talk to. It was complicated, but he couldn’t help that.

Jonas hummed softly.

“I don’t think you would be”, he said. He sounded so sad. “He’s never made you happy.”

“Yes he has. I’ve had most of my happiest moments with him. He’s the reason I’m still alive, or not a living ghost, and I love him forever. Why can’t I be happy with him?”

“Are you happy now? Now that he loves you back?”

Jonas was right. Isak wasn’t happy. This moment was perfect, it was what he had dreamed of, so many times. And he wasn’t happy.

“It’s not fair”, Isak sighed. Jonas gave him a squeeze.

“It’s not.”

They sat there for a long time. Long enough for Isak to feel his skin get cool, wherever it wasn’t pressed against Jonas. He moved his hand slowly, turning the cool side against Jonas’ chest, and it felt almost hot to his touch. Jonas was breathing slower.

“What are you doing?”

Isak shrugged. He wasn’t doing anything. Maybe.

“Should I stop?”

Jonas held his breath. Isak’s fingertips brushed under his jawline, pushing the air out of his lungs in a soft sigh.

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

Isak could feel Jonas’ skin raise to goosebumps under his touch.

“Never.”

Isak turned against Jonas. He straddled Jonas between his legs and looked into his starry eyes.

“Are you going to break up with Even?” Jonas asked. Isak shook his head.

“No. At least not -- like this. I can’t make that decision tonight, it’s not fair.”

“Don’t you think I deserve more than stolen moments?”

“You’re not getting even that much”, Isak whispered. “Just this one. I can’t give you more, I don’t have anything more to give.”

“I’m in love with my best friend”, Jonas said, resting his hands on Isak’s waist. “And I don’t want him to get hurt, ever. He’s been hurting so much already.”

Isak leaned his forehead on Jonas’ forehead and closed his eyes. His fingers were in Jonas’ hair, his breathing in sync. It was perfect, except that it wasn’t. Isak sat there for a minute, listening to the barely there sound of two hearts breaking.

He turned his head a bit and brushed his lips against Jonas’ cheek.

“Good night, Jonas.”

“Good night, Issy.”

Isak got up and walked to the cabin. Jonas stayed at the fire pit. When Isak turned to look back from the door he saw Jonas bury his face in his hands. Inside the bedroom Magnus was already fast asleep. Isak slipped into the bed beside him and lied awake in the dark, listening to his heavy breathing.


	18. Chapter 18

The dawn tiptoed into the room. The window was facing west, so the sun wasn’t glaring through it, but there was so much light outside that the room was filled with it as soon as the sun had gone up. Isak hadn’t slept a wink all night. His buzz had faded and turned into a budding hangover, and he was not in a good mood when Magnus shifted and yawned.

Isak didn’t want to do this. But he had to. This had to be cleared before tomorrow, because school was about to start. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“We have to talk.”

Magnus didn’t say anything. He was completely quiet. Isak waited until he couldn’t anymore.

“Mags?”

“Yeah”, Magnus said quietly. “I heard you. Fuck, my head’s killing me.”

Magnus pulled the covers over his head to hide from the light. Isak rolled slowly on his back. The ceiling was panelled with wood, the knots were staring down at him like little eyes.

“I talked with Jonas”, Isak said. “After what you told me. He’s really mad at you.”

Magnus made a little squeaking sound. Isak almost couldn’t hear it through the blanket.

“Jonas must hate me. I was such a dick last night.”

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s just pissed.”

Magnus groaned, in pain. He peeked at Isak carefully.

“Did he say so?”

Isak bit his lip. He wasn’t sure how much he was allowed to tell Magnus. He had already said too much when he had confessed his affair with Jonas, and he didn’t want to kind of out Jonas any further.

“We didn’t really talk about you. We didn’t have time to.”

Magnus pulled the covers off his face. He stared at Isak in shock.

“Did you -- what did you do?”

Isak suffocated his urge to smack Magnus. He wasn’t violent, normally, but he was tired and heartbroken and hungover, and Magnus was being an insufferable idiot.

“We  _ talked. _ And you’ve been acting like a real asshole. It’s none of your business if we fuck in the bushes all day long.”

Magnus looked like he was going to have a stroke.

“Did you --”

“Fuck! Are you listening to me at all?”

Magnus grimaced and covered his ears.

“Please, not so loud. Aren’t you hungover?”

“If I weren’t I’d be out of this fucking room by now, asshole.”

Isak blinked aggressively. The eyes of the wood were getting fuzzy. He had no idea how to have a fight with Magnus, this was the first one ever. It was killing him. The thought of Jonas having a fight with Magnus right after him was equally horrible, if not more so - then Isak would have to pick a side.

“What I really don’t understand is why you didn’t speak with Jonas first. Why did you come to me behind his back.”

“I was drunk by then”, Magnus peeped. His voice was a bit shaky. “And I was here, and I was angry, because Jonas is ruining everything.”

“What the fuck do you mean? Ruining?”

“It’s our last year together, Issy. Our time is running out as it is, and if Jonas is in love with you while you’re Even’s boyfriend everything will get weird and difficult and we will split up before graduation.” Magnus ended his rambling with a tiny sniffle. “Fuck!”

Isak did his best to remain calm. Because he wanted to tell Magnus he was wrong, but he knew that Mags was right. Everything would have been weird, sooner or later. Isak knew Jonas. He would have gone for it eventually. He would have tried, and it might have been on a bad moment, and it could have been devastating.

“I’m going to miss you so much”, Isak said. “After Jonas, you’re my best friend.”

“You’re  _ my _ best friend”, Magnus sighed. “I know I’ll always and forever be second to Jonas, but you’re my number one.”

Isak knew it. He hadn’t ever brought it up, or really wanted to think about it, but he knew. Mags would have died for any of them, but for Isak just a little bit more.

“I need you to lay back a little. I don’t need a guard dog, I need a friend.”

Magnus didn’t say anything. Isak turned - slowly, his head was hurting and he was worried he might get sick all over the bed - to face him and hugged the blanket bundle Mags had buried himself into.

“Okay?”

Magnus nodded. He curled up against Isak, whimpering. Isak could relate. Jonas’ mom would have a field day with them.

“I’ll have a chat with Jonas. Put in a good word for you. You are sorry, right?”

Magnus nodded again. Isak gave him one more squeeze and forced himself get out of bed. He really needed to take a piss.

“Don’t worry. We’ll make it to graduation, I promise.”

Isak dragged his nauseated ass outside. He had to shade his eyes with his hand when he opened the door. It was so bright. And loud. What had been idyllic music of the nature yesterday was a screaming match today. Even the leaves seemed to be making a racket. Isak walked to the outhouse but didn’t bother going in. He leaned on the corner of the building to make it easier to keep himself upright.

When Isak was done he headed for the shore to wash his hands. The water was brutal for his eyes. He had to squint all the way to the fire pit. Then he saw Jonas, and his eyes snapped open.

“Fuck, you gave me a heart attack! Have you been here all night?”

Jonas raised his head from his knees. He looked terrible. Isak probably looked the same.

“Maybe?”

Isak sat down on the log right next to Jonas. He leaned his head on Jonas’ shoulder.

“I’m so sorry”, he said. “I wish I could --”

“Don’t worry about it”, Jonas interrupted. “It’s okay. We’re okay. I swear.”

Isak nodded. His cheek rubbed on Jonas’ shoulder. It felt nice.

“How about you and Mags?”

Jonas scoffed. He pushed his fingers through his hair.

“Fucking Mags. He had no right.”

“He tried to protect me. And us all. It’s our last year together and I think it’s pretty hard on him.”

“It’s not hard on you?”

“Of course it is. It’s just not on the top three of my things to worry about right now.”

Jonas threw his arm around Isak.

“And that’s fucked up. It should be.”

“Are you dissing me for not making our group a priority?”

Jonas laughed a little. Very carefully. He must have been hungover as well.

“Idiot. I’m dissing the world for putting so much on your shoulders.”

“God will not give you more than you can handle.”

“God can kiss my ass.”

“Blasphemy”, Isak whispered. His heart was beating a bit faster. He knew Jonas and God weren’t on speaking terms, but throwing profanities at Him was not something Isak was comfortable with.

“Will you forgive Mags? I don’t want you two to fight. I’d have to take your side and that would kill him.”

Jonas grunted. Then he groaned. Then he sighed.

“Staying mad at Magnus is about as easy as staying mad at a puppy.”

“But you could do it, if you set your mind to it.”

“Yeah. I could. But I won’t.”

Isak nuzzled his face against Jonas’ shoulder.

“Thank you.”

Jonas rubbed his eyes.

“Fuck, I feel sick. Do you suppose a dip in the water might be refreshing?”

“Either that, or the shock will kill you.”

“So, there’s no way I can lose? Nice.” Jonas let go of Isak and stood up. He undressed, butt naked, and walked into the water. Isak did his best to not stare at Jonas’ ass as it got closer and closer to the surface and finally disappeared under it.

“How is it?” Isak asked. Jonas dipped his head under water and shook his hair when he got up.

“I’m not dead, am I?”

“In that case.” Isak undressed to his underwear. It clung to his skin as he swam to Jonas in slow, peaceful strokes.


	19. Chapter 19

Isak crawled out of the car. He had been dozing off against Jonas’ shoulder all the way, but he hadn’t really slept. He knew he wouldn’t sleep before school started. He had almost decided to visit the school nurse tomorrow to ask for something to help him sleep, but only almost.

The morning had been a quiet one. Jonas had talked with Magnus at the fire pit, and Isak had seen them hug it out, so he wasn’t worried about that. He had other things to be concerned about. Jonas loved him. Actually loved him. It was hard to wrap his brain around. Their kiss at the fire pit, how it had tasted, and how it had ended. How it would never happen again.

Isak remembered the kiss when he hugged Jonas goodbye. It burned on his lips all the way home. Isak dragged his feet to make the stairs last longer, but then he heard a door open upstairs. Even had seen him from the window. Isak’s heart was suddenly beating faster, and he hurried his steps.

Even kissed Jonas away from Isak’s lips. He wrapped his arms tightly around Isak and pulled him inside, and Isak followed him. He was like glued on Even’s chest. His lips. His scent. He hadn’t thought about Even much on his trip, but now that Even was here, Isak noticed how much he had missed him.

“Hey”, Even whispered when they finally stopped kissing. Isak fondled the collar of Even’s shirt.

“Hey.”

“Did you have a fun trip?”

Isak nodded. He avoided looking into Even’s eyes. He wasn’t prepared. Taking in Even’s scent and feel were enough for now.

“Yeah. There was a rocky beach, and a fire pit, and I’ve never seen so many stars in my life. It was beautiful.”

“Did you make a tape?” Even sounded impatient. Isak wished he had slept. He wished Jonas didn’t love him. He wished he could tell Even about last night. Three wishes was the standard, right?

“I did.”

“Let’s watch it now.” Even struggled to keep himself from snatching Isak’s backpack and taking the tapes out. Isak lowered it on the floor with a sigh.

“I’m really tired.”

“You can be the little spoon while we watch it. Please.”

Isak sighed again. Even wasn’t asking much. Yet he was. He just didn’t know it. Isak looked longingly at the bed, when he noticed something. The bed had been made. He looked around a bit more. The piles of laundry were gone, and. And.

“Have you mopped the floors?”

Even nodded.

“Uh-huh. I got bored home alone, but didn’t feel like going anywhere, so I entertained myself the best I could.”

Even gave Isak a tour of the apartment. He was so proud, and that made Isak proud too. Even had cleaned the whole place. The bathroom, the kitchen, even the windows. Everything was spotless, and when their tour ended by the bed Isak turned to wrap his arms around Even again.

“I love you”, Isak whispered. “You have no idea how much this means to me. I had no idea myself.”

“I just cleaned up”, Even said.

“I know. It’s just that.” Isak took a deep breath to buy himself time. His brain was so tired it was hard to form complete thoughts. “Now it feels like there’s room for me, too. You know?”

Even blushed with shame. Isak hurried to take his face in his hands and kiss him gently.

“No. No. I don’t mean that. I have felt welcome here. This is my home. I love you, and I’m not blaming you for anything. Please don’t blame yourself, either. Okay?” Even didn’t say anything. Isak kissed him again. “Okay?”

Even nodded. He was still pouting, but at least he nodded.

“Okay.”

“Good.” Isak kissed the tip of Even’s chin and nose. “Get the adaptor ready, I’ll take the tapes out.”

“Tapes?”

“Yes. I made two.”

“Oh, I feel so spoiled.” Even sounded like he was serious. Isak decided to believe he was. While Even got the VCR ready Isak unpacked his backpack. He took the dirty clothes to the laundry hamper. When he got back from the bathroom, he saw the kitchen of the cabin on the TV screen.

“Looks nice. Primitive.”

Isak hummed, agreeing, as he slipped on the bed in front of Even. Even wrapped his arm around him and Isak snuggled up to be the little spoon.

“It was really nice. For a day. I bet it would get old soon enough.”

“I once had the power cut for a week. It did get old.”

Isak turned his head to look at Even.

“I really hope you didn’t make a fire pit in here.”

Even laughed. His eyes squinted when he laughed. Isak had missed that.

“No. I didn’t. Now hush, I’m trying to watch something here.”

Isak turned to look at the TV again. Some of the shots he had taken were pretty good. He might want to give this camcorder thing another shot some day. The scene with his bare feet in the sun speckled water was an especially nice one.

“Ohh, I really wish I had a foot fetish”, Even sighed. He kissed the back on Isak’s neck, and Isak giggled.

“Feel free to jerk off and come on my feet.”

Even laughed out loud. He hugged Isak tighter, kissing the side of his neck.

“You would like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Mmmaybe? Can’t tell without trying.”

“I’ll try anything with you”, Even hummed, and rolled Isak on his back to kiss him properly. Isak was more than happy to return the kisses. He liked this. He had expected things to be tense, or awkward, but everything felt nice and relaxed. They had missed each other and they had been reunited, and all was good.

“Did someone shoot you when you were swimming?” Even asked. Isak nodded.

“Yeah. Mags did. At sunset, like you asked.”

“Let me see it. Now. Please.”

Even’s urgency made Isak blush. He was feeling pleased with himself. Even wanted to see his body on film. It was flattering.

“Go change the tape, then.”

Even did. When he returned Isak kissed him a couple of times more. Then Even insisted to be left alone to enjoy the movie.

“It’s barely a movie”, Isak mumbled. Even smiled. There was a proud spark in his smile.

“It’s very close to one, at least. And I really want to watch it.”

Isak sighed and rolled back over. It was weird to see himself on television. He was walking towards the camera, and he gave it a little shy smile.

_Hello?_ _  
__Hey. I thought your man would like to see you walk to him._

“He’s right, you know”, Even hummed into Isak’s hair. It made Isak blush.

_Well, here I am. With beer. Going to go for a swim next. The sun is setting soon._ _  
__What, you’re a gremlin?_ _  
__I hope you mean mogwai. And the rule is no sunlight at all and never get it wet._

Even chuckled at Isak’s joke. Then Jonas appeared on screen, and Isak could feel the chuckle wither away.

_Remind us, Issy. How many times have you seen that movie?_ _  
__I don’t know. Twenty? It’s great._ _  
__Not that great. Right, Even? When you see this, tell your boyfriend his obsession with Gremlins is not healthy._

Even paused the tape. Jonas was looking at them from the TV. Isak swallowed.

“What is it?”

“I just can’t believe that asshole”, Even growled. Isak closed his eyes. It was hard. He didn’t want to defend Jonas against Even. He could never win, and not being able to make a stand for his best friend felt horrible.

“I’m just about to take that swim”, Isak tried. That worked. Even pressed play again, and Jonas disappeared. He was replaced with Isak, smiling at the camera. Smiling at Even.

“I was thinking about you”, Isak whispered. “That’s why I look happy.”

It was weird to watch himself, but it was even more weird to watch himself almost naked. His bruises had faded significantly, but they were still visible. Isak was relieved to see them disappear under water. He remembered how nice the water had been.

_Thanks, Mags. You can put it away now. The water’s lovely, come join me?_ _  
__Don’t mind if I do. I’ll take the camera inside where it’s safe._

The tape ended. Isak lied still, listening to Even breathing behind his back.

“Did you like it?” Isak whispered.

As Even slid his hand down along Isak’s chest and pulled his hips closer, Isak could feel it. Even had liked it.


	20. Chapter 20

A huge yawn split Isak’s face in two. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his palm. He had consumed two huge cups of coffee, but the only effect they had on him was making him need to pee three times in an hour. He kind of needed to go again right now, but only kind of. Which was good, since he was standing across the street from Nissen. His fingers could feel how close Even’s fingers were to them. Almost but not quite touching.

Isak stepped a bit to the side.

“Are you ready?” Even asked. Isak shook his head.

“Are you?”

“Not really.”

Isak closed his eyes. All he wanted was to take Even’s hand and kiss him. He had done so when they had left home. That would have to last him all day.

“Can’t we just go back home?” Isak asked. Even sighed.

“Not if we wish to graduate.”

There was a hesitation in Even’s voice. He was being brave. It broke Isak’s heart a bit. Just a couple of faults more on the already crackled surface. Nothing he couldn’t handle.

“Well, we do.” Isak saw Magnus and Mahdi in the yard. He fixed the straps of his backpack on his shoulders. “Let’s go.”

Isak walked with Even to his friends. He didn’t see Jonas anywhere. He didn’t know was he happy about that or not.

“Hey!” At least Magnus was happy to see them. He was excited, he was almost bouncing. “Third year! Can you believe it? Hi, Even!”

“Hello.” Even smiled at Magnus and nodded at Mahdi. Isak felt a near irresistible urge to slip himself under Even’s arm and slide his hand under Even’s denim jacket like the girls did with their boyfriends. Instead he high fived Mahdi.

“Ready to be the kings of the place?”

Mahdi laughed out loud.

“What, we haven’t been all along?”

Isak chuckled as well. It felt good. It felt normal. It was just him and the guys at school, and whatever it was he had feared about coming here with Even, it hadn’t happened.

“Jonas will be late soon”, Isak said, as lightly as he could muster.

“Oh, he’s not coming”, Mahdi said. Magnus stopped chatting with Even and looked at them, surprised.

“Why?” Isak and Magnus asked at the same time.

“He called me this morning and said he has mono or something. From all that night swimming, probably.”

Isak swallowed his disappointment. Worry flowed in to take its place. Jonas was sick. He had kissed Jonas. What if he would get mono as well and Even would know?

“Should I take his homework to him or something?”

“He already asked me”, Mahdi said. “It makes sense. We live in the same direction, it’s not much of a detour for me.”

More disappointment for Isak to swallow. Good thing he hadn’t really eaten breakfast. He hadn’t had any appetite this morning, he had been too nervous.

“Well. I hope he gets better soon.”

“I’ll let him know that when I see him.”

“I can call him after school.”

“I don’t know”, Mahdi said, shrugging. “His voice was pretty bad. His throat must be sore.”

Isak almost blushed. Mahdi was right. Jonas was sick, and he needed to be left alone. Isak should not disturb him just because he wanted things to be normal again. He wanted it so bad.

“Isak?”

Isak’s blood turned into cold sludge in his veins. His heart was struggling to keep it pumping. He turned to look in the direction of his father’s voice, and saw him standing there, just a few metres away.

“Dad?”

Isak raised his hand on the side of his neck to hide the most prominent shadow of a hickey. Fucking Even, why did he have to make them?

“Isak. Come home. Your mother is worried sick about you.”

Isak’s head was spinning. He remembered his mother, standing by the kitchen counter with a rag in her hand. How fragile she had looked, and how Isak had seen the same kind of fragility in Even every now and then.

“I have school”, Isak managed to stutter. Dad stepped closer. Isak’s shoulders twisted forward.

“I’ll sign the slip. Come on, I’ve parked just around the corner.” Dad reached out his hand to take Isak’s arm. Isak was frozen. He knew. He knew that if he ever stepped in that house again he’d be locked up in his room for the rest of his days.

Suddenly Magnus was right in front of him. Isak was staring into the back of his head. Magnus had stepped to stand between him and his father.

“Hi, mister Valtersen”, Magnus said. “How’s mrs Valtersen doing? Well, I hope?”

Dad wasn’t interested in conversing with Magnus, but Mags was persistent. While he was trying to keep Isak’s father’s attention, Mahdi took Isak’s arm and pulled him with him and Even towards the doors. Isak couldn’t feel his legs moving, but they must have, because the distance between him and his father kept growing, until the door closed between them. The last thing Isak saw was Magnus looking over his shoulder.

“Is, are you okay?” Mahdi pushed Isak to sit down on a bench and held his shoulders, trying to get Isak make eye contact. Isak’s eyes kept wandering to Even, who was just kind of standing there, looking lost and out of place. Why hadn’t he protected Isak? If Jonas had been here, he would have kicked dad’s ass.

“Isak?” Mahdi shook him a bit. Isak blinked.

“Yeah, yeah”, he said, pushing Mahdi’s hands away. “I’m fine.”

Isak looked at the doors. When he saw Magnus enter through them and hurry to him he sighed in relief. Magnus looked okay. Startled, but okay.

“Issy!” Magnus pushed Mahdi aside and rushed to hug Isak. It was only then when Isak noticed he was shaking, against Magnus. Why wasn’t he shaking against Even?

Magnus repeated his question. Isak opened his eyes and looked at him.

“What?”

“Are you okay?”

“I already told you! I’m fine! God!”

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. A cold stone sank in the bottom of Isak’s belly. His knees were aching. His back was burning, in the memory of lashes of leather against the skin. He was certain it hadn’t been as bad as he remembered it. It couldn’t have been, somebody would have noticed and done something.

“Isak?”

“What?!”

Magnus was on his knees on the floor in front of him. He looked like a puppy Isak had just kicked.

“The bell rang. We must get to class. What do you have on the first period?”

Isak had no idea. He looked up at Even, but he wasn’t there. Had he ever been there? Was he even real? Or was Isak simply losing it for good?

“I -- I don’t --”

“That’s it”, Magnus said and stood up. He pulled Isak up on his feet as well. “Mahdi, get his other arm.”

Isak wanted to protest that he could walk on his own, but that would have been a lie.

“Where are we going?” Isak asked.

“To the nurse”, Magnus stated calmly. He wasn’t going to negotiate on this.

“But don’t you have classes?”

“Fuck classes”, Mahdi groaned. “Come on. Keep walking. We’ve got you.”

“I don’t need the nurse”, Isak tried. Mags and Mahdi had none of that. Their grip was strong and comforting, and it was so easy for Isak to just follow them. He wanted to ask where Even had gone, but he didn’t want to bring it to his friends’ attention that Even wasn’t there. He couldn’t think straight, he couldn’t have come up with an excuse for Even.

Isak stopped walking. Magnus tried to pull him, gently, but he dug his heels in. No.

“Issy?”

“I have biology.”

“You have an appointment with the nurse.”

“No.”

“Issy --”

“I said no.” Isak yanked his arms free. “I’m fine. I don’t need to see anyone, I need to drag my ass to biology. I’m late, on the first day.”

Magnus looked frustrated. Mahdi looked confused.

“What if she makes me go back home?”

“Are you insane? Of course she won’t do that! Not after what they’ve done to you!”

“But she doesn’t know that.”

Now Magnus looked confused as well.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“She doesn’t know what they’ve done to me. You shouldn’t know either. I don’t want anyone to know, and it’s  _ my business. _ Not yours. Not Jonas’. Mine.”

This time Isak felt like he had kicked the puppy. Magnus looked devastated. It wasn’t his problem, his problem was being late for biology.

“See you at lunch. I have a class, and so do you.”

Isak turned around and hurried up the stairs. He didn’t hear anyone follow him. When he passed a window he looked outside. The school yard was empty.


	21. Chapter 21

Isak didn’t remember a thing from the past couple of hours when he stepped out of biology class. His brain wasn’t working properly, or at all, he was just following the flow of students out the door and down the stairs. He felt his feet move. He felt the backpack straps on his shoulders. But he wasn’t there, not really. He was in his room, behind a locked door.

He couldn’t breathe in there. The walls were closing in on him. Not even John could help him. He just stared at him from the poster, defiant, because for him defiance came easy. It was so easy to be brave when you had a fully armed, near indestructible robot standing right behind you. Isak had to do it all on his own.

No. He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t alone in his room anymore, not ever again. He had been broken free. Even and Jonas had saved him. Over and over again.

Isak spotted Even easily. He was almost a full head taller than the people around him. He looked lost, and out of place, and he saw Isak but turned his head away. Isak stopped, in the middle of the stairs. He barely noticed the unhappy people pushing their way around and past him. He had seen Even turn his eyes away from him, and now he knew he couldn’t do this.

Isak rediscovered his legs. He knew how to move them now, and he moved them fast. He almost tripped when the stairs ended and his feet were still in stair mode. He had to hop a couple of times to keep his balance. That caught Even’s attention. Even looked at him, confused and insecure, and when Isak pounced to hug him it took him a moment to wrap his arms around Isak’s body.

“What --” Even whispered. Isak buried his face in Even’s chest.

“I’m sorry”, Isak whimpered. “Please forgive me.”

Even held him. People walked past them, someone hit Isak’s shoulder with their backpack, and Even pulled him a bit to the side. The moved to stand by the wall, out of the way.

“Isak --”

“I know! I was an idiot! I thought I needed you to ignore me at school, but that’s so the opposite of what I need. I need  _ you. _ I need you.”

Even let go of him. Isak wanted to cling to him, to never let go, but they were still at school and there were limitations. Boundaries. There were probably some rules, too, Isak didn’t know but he well suspected. Otherwise he’d seen more couples locked in their passion during the past two years.

“Isak, please. Let me speak.”

Isak looked at Even, almost scared. No, not almost. He was terrified. A part of him was expecting his father to jump out at any given moment and drag him back to his house. Another part was certain Even would tell him to fuck off. Isak couldn’t blame him, not after what he had done this morning. What he had said. What he had asked for.

But he didn’t speak now. It was Even’s turn.

“I need you to be sure. I can keep my distance, or I can be close, but I can’t keep altering between the two. What will you want tomorrow, when you’ve forgotten how scared you were today?”

Isak closed his eyes. Even was so brutal. But he wasn’t unreasonable. Isak was. He remembered his own words from this morning, his demands, that Even had simply accepted. He had agreed to Isak’s insane, paranoid rules. No touching. No long looks. No gentle words. Nothing that could be interpreted that they’re more than barely friends. He had been such a fool.

Both of them.

“I’m sure. Please. I need you.”

Even was silent for so long Isak opened his eyes and looked at him. Even looked hurt. Deeply hurt, and sad, and his eyes were almost black.

“Would you need me if you had another shoulder to cry on? If Jonas was here?”

It was Isak’s turn to be hurt. He didn’t know which hurt more, Even’s words or that he had a point. If Jonas had been here Isak could have hidden behind his back. Isak could have clung to Jonas, because he had been doing that in first and second year as well, and he knew it was safe.

“Even --”

Even wiped his mouth. He looked past Isak, through the window.

“You know, I’ve never done anything so hard in my life than what I did today. Watching your father. Not punching his teeth in.” Even paused. He shook his head, the tiniest movement, barely visible. “Then I stood in the bathroom, knowing you were hurt and scared, unable to help you, unable to. Fuck. To do anything, really. I hated myself so much I didn’t think it was possible, but I dealt with it, because you had asked me to. And now, this conversation. I think this beats them both, really.”

Isak could feel it. Even was slipping away from him. He was protecting himself, and he had every right to. He couldn’t trust Isak after this morning, he couldn’t trust  _ them. _ It was killing him.

Both of them.

That would have to stop. Isak would have to stop it. He would have to make them believe again. His heart was pounding, he stepped closer and raised his hands. He took Even’s face between them.

“I love you”, Isak whispered, and leaned in. He kissed Even. There were people in the hallway with them, and outside the window too, and it was out now. Isak was out. Even was too stunned to kiss him back at first, but he got the idea soon enough. He kissed Isak, and when he did, all Isak’s troubles suddenly seemed to be wiped away. He was a clean slate. A new beginning. Once upon a time there was a boy, who loved another boy.

The kiss ended. Isak kept his eyes closed. He was still holding Even’s face in his hands. He was listening, but he didn’t hear a thing.

“Even?” Isak whispered, so quietly that only Even could hear him. “I can’t look.”

Even kissed his forehead.

“Yes you can. Open your eyes.”

“I don’t want to.” As long as Isak kept his eyes closed, he could pretend nothing had changed. That nobody was staring at them in disgust. But it was making his sacrifice empty. He had to open his eyes, and he did. The first thing he saw was Even’s blue eyes. The blackness was gone.

Isak looked around. A group of girls was whispering to each other and giggling. People were passing by, and other people told them something and they turned to look at them, then kept going. It was certainly much less than what Isak had anticipated.

“How?” Isak whispered. “Didn’t they see us?”

“They did. Especially them.” Even winked at the girls, who turned into a giggling mass and practically ran away. “Did you expect torches and pitchforks or something?”

“Well. To be honest. Kind of?”

Even smiled at Isak. He took Isak’s wrists and pulled his hands down. He kissed Isak’s fingers before letting go.

“Thank you.”

Isak hid his hands in his pockets. He could feel the glow of blushing burn his cheeks.

“I really am sorry for this morning.”

Even hugged him tightly. Isak felt his body relax against Even’s.

“So am I.”


	22. Chapter 22

Isak hesitated at the gate. He was holding Even’s hand tightly, like to make sure he couldn’t be swept away and shoved into dad’s car or something. His heart was beating fast and loud, too fast, it was making him feel light headed. When he felt a hand on his shoulder he jumped and almost screamed.

“We’ll walk you home”, Mahdi said. Magnus appeared next to him.

“Yeah! Bodyguard style! We’ll protect you with our bodies.”

Isak stared at Mags for a moment. But he had to admit he was feeling grateful.

“Maybe not with our bodies”, Mahdi tried, but Magnus had made up his mind.

“We will walk in formation around Isak to protect him and that’s that.”

Even laughed. He stepped behind Isak’s back and wrapped his arms around him.

“In that case, I’ll watch his back.”

This was so stupid. Still, it made Isak smile. This was just the kind of idiocy he could expect from his friends, and Even getting in on it so effortlessly was encouraging. He was one of the guys, or he would be, and that was good. It made things so much easier. Isak wouldn’t have to choose. Mahdi and Magnus positioned themselves so they were side by side in front of Isak, and Even managed to convince Magnus that he would use his long arms to protect Isak’s sides from potential danger.

Isak had a hard time admitting it to himself, but it felt good to be protected like this. He was walking in the middle of the pack, like the president of the United States, and he felt his shoulders relax a bit. Magnus, Mahdi and Even had saved him once already today, and they would save him again if need be. Magnus told Even what kind of car Isak’s dad drove, so Even could keep an eye out for it just in case. Isak didn’t have to look around him once the whole way. It was a welcome break.

When they got to Even’s house they stopped to chat for a bit before Mahdi had to leave. Magnus was delaying. He kept looking at Even, and then at Isak, until Isak caught it and asked Even to meet him inside. Even left him alone with Magnus, who was still just squirming and grimacing.

“Come on, I’m starving! What is it?”

Magnus nodded. He agreed with Isak, he should get on with it, but still it seemed to be hard.

“Please don’t tell me Mahdi’s in love with me too.”

That did it. Magnus laughed out loud enough to scare a couple of pidgeons to flight. He didn’t laugh for long, but least he could speak again.

“Should I call your parents and tell them to leave you alone?”

Isak stared at Magnus with his mouth open.

“What?”

“We have school. And. There’s a lot of other stuff going on, and if I can do something to help you, anything -- I’ll do it.”

Isak knew Magnus would. He would do anything. Even call Isak’s parents.

“Please don’t call them. I’ll -- I’ll do it myself.”

“Can I walk with you to school tomorrow? Should Mahdi come too?”

Isak rolled his eyes. Now that he was home, and still starving, he wasn’t feeling like he needed protection. He needed food.

“If it makes you feel better.”

Magnus looked almost offended. He might have been a bit hurt. Isak wasn’t feeling like letting that bother him.

“I’m just trying to --”

“Look, Mags”, Isak interrupted him. “You don’t need to try so hard. I know you’re feeling bad for me, but I really need you to step back and give me space.”

Now Magnus looked definitely offended. He was also trying to put on a brave face.

“I’m sorry. I’m hungry. You know how I get when I’m hungry.”

“Say no more.” Magnus tried to smile, and it kind of worked. “Go get something to eat. I have a ton of homework anyway. You’d think the teachers would cut us some slack on the first day.”

Isak grimaced. Mags was right, he had homework too. That he hadn’t missed one bit during the summer. He had missed going to school and seeing his friends, but homework? Not so much.

“They’ve been waiting all summer ot get to torture us again.”

“Totally.” Magnus nodded. He patted Isak on the shoulder. “Go eat. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I’m not waiting around for you. Come, if you want to, but be on time.”

“I will. See you.”

Isak hurried up the steps. He needed food. He hoped Even had fixed something already. But when he opened the door he didn’t smell anything. Instead, he saw Even’s feet on the bed. Even was lying on his stomach, breathing slowly and heavily, and as Isak walked closer he saw Even was fast asleep. He had bent his arm over his head, and Isak saw the numbers tattooed on his arm.

Isak slammed his backpack on the floor. It startled Even awake, making him jump and open his eyes.

“Babe?”

“Sorry”, Isak said. “It slipped. What’s for dinner?”

Even moved his shoulder and rolled over on his side. He curled up, hugging Isak’s pillow. Isak didn’t have to ask to know. Even was tired. Too tired to think about dinner. Isak felt like collapsing in the bed himself, but he had homework. So did Even. And they both needed to eat.

Isak dragged his ass in the kitchen. There was some leftover pasta from last night. It would have to do. Isak took the bowl and two forks to the bed with him. He gave the other fork to Even.

“Eat up.”

“Cold pasta? What are we, animals?”

“Less talk, more eating”, Isak growled and shoved a heaping forkful in his mouth. The cold fat formed a film on his tongue, but other than that, it tasted alright. And the more Isak ate it, the better he was feeling. When he put the empty bowl on the floor he was almost smiling.

“We need to fix some more in a bit.”

Even sighed. He sounded so sad. Isak closed his eyes for a moment.

“Let me guess. You’re sorry.”

Even moved his shoulder. Barely. He was closing in again. Curling up into himself, building a wall, that Isak couldn’t climb or crumble. It didn’t matter. Isak was too tired to try and reach Even. Instead, he got up and went to get his backpack. He took his Walkman from the dressing table and sat down on the floor.

“I don’t know about you, but I have homework”, Isak said. Even made a sound. Isak couldn’t make out what it was, and to be honest, he didn’t care. He needed Even. He just had the hardest day of school in his life, and his life had been completely changed, and he was scared, and he would have to call his parents today, and he needed his boyfriend. That didn’t matter. He was on his own.

It didn’t help, that Isak knew Even was trying. He knew how tolling going to school at all must have been for Even, and he knew he had made it so, so much worse with his demands and rules and his father, but why did it have to be Isak? Why did he have to step up for both of them?

Isak put the earphones on his head and pressed play. He turned the volume up and opened his biology textbook.

_ psychosomatic, addict, insane _


	23. Chapter 23

Isak was lying awake, once again. He was staring at the ceiling and listening to Even’s steady breathing beside him, at the same time unbearably happy and incredibly jealous. He was happy that Even was there. He was so happy he was breathing. He was also jealous of his chemically induced sleep. It was like clockwork, Even took his evening meds and passed out half an hour later. Isak was left alone in the dark.

He had done it. He had come out, to the whole school. It was Friday and by now absolutely everyone knew about him and Even. Nobody had done anything about it. They had been left alone, sitting on windowsills and sneaking for a quick make-out session behind the dumpsters on recess. Magnus and Mahdi had hung out with them, and it had been less weird than Isak had anticipated.

Jonas was still sick. Isak was so happy he hadn’t caught whatever it was that Jonas had, but he was also worried. They had been drowned in homework and it was just the first week, and Jonas was going to have so much work ahead of him when he got well. Of course that wasn’t really Isak’s problem, he had enough in his hands with his own homework.

That was why he had tried to not worry about Even’s homework, either.

It was just that he hadn’t seen Even actually do any all week. He had just curled up in bed after school, while Isak had fixed them something quick and easy to eat and started working on his assignments. They didn’t share any classes, but Isak was sure Even wasn’t so lucky that he didn’t have any homework from any of his.

He also didn’t want to fight about it. He was probably a terrible boyfriend because of it, but he was simply too exhausted to intervene. Confronting Even about anything relating to his illness was difficult. Bringing up the subject usually made Even curl into a ball, both physically and emotionally, and Isak was too tired to be kicking at walls all that much.

At least his parents had left him alone. Isak still couldn’t relax at any time, not completely. He couldn’t know for certain that mom or dad or someone from church wouldn’t suddenly approach him and force him to go back into the house that almost killed him. He could hope that him being out as gay would make mom and dad not want him anymore, but they might want to ask God to cure him. Isak had heard about camps for people like him. He didn’t want to be sent away to one. He needed to be here for Even.

That thought made Isak close his eyes and sigh. He needed to be here for Even. Even wasn’t here for him, not right now. He had been, so much, and it was only fair that Isak took his share of the load for a change, but it was so, so heavy. Isak turned his face towards Even and listened to his sleep. He opened his eyes. It was Friday night, or maybe already Saturday, they could sleep in tomorrow.

“Even?” Isak whispered. There was no change. Even kept breathing in the same, calm rhythm, fast asleep. Isak licked his lips and tried again, out loud this time. “Even, please.”

Even’s eyelids cracked open. He yawned and closed his eyes, and was asleep again. Isak touched his shoulder.

“Even. Please wake up. I need you.”

Even yawned again. He hummed something reassuring that Isak couldn’t really make out, moved closer to him and pulled Isak against his side to be cuddled. Isak laid his head on Even’s shoulder and squeezed his eyes shut.

“I’m so tired”, Isak whispered. “Everything is so hard.”

Even’s fingers slid down from Isak’s shoulder as sleep took him over again. Isak held back a sniffle at first, then he understood that Even wouldn’t hear it anyway and he let it out. It was a tiny little miserable sound, and it was quickly followed by another one. He was so pathetic. One week of school, and he was already a wreck. He was never going to graduate, and neither was Even, and they’d be forever stuck in this tiny apartment doing nothing with their lives.

Okay. He really was tired.

“I just need a break”, Isak whispered so quietly he barely made a sound at all. His lips only moved, against Even’s shoulder, and pecked the softest kiss on it. He wiped his eyes and crawled out of bed. He was just going to go for a little walk in the night air, to relax, to tire himself out and to put some healthy distance between himself and the knives in the kitchen.

Isak got dressed in the dark. He wasn’t sure if he was wearing his own or Even’s pants. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t going anywhere, just around the block or something. He pulled one of Even’s black t-shirts on, shoved his keys in his pocket and put his shoes on.

“I’ll be right back”, he said softly. Even didn’t respond. He was still breathing heavily. Isak looked at him from the door, his heart aching with tenderness and regret, and slipped outside. He closed the door as quietly as he could.

The night air was cooler than he had expected. The day had been warm, but after the sun had set the temperature had come down rapidly. Isak should have taken a jacket or a hoodie. He didn’t want to go back for one. He would have risked waking Even up. He decided to run for a bit instead. To warm up, and to wear out some of the nervous energy that was sparkling inside him.

It wasn’t a conscious decision. There wasn’t a point where Isak planned his route and destination, it just kind of happened. His feet took him where they wanted to take him, he just hit them on the asphalt again and again, until he arrived in front of Jonas’ house.

He wasn’t going to go inside. He just wanted to see Jonas. He would look through his window and climb back down and go home. Isak looked up and saw that Jonas had his window cracked. He hesitated. Maybe he could close it and then knock on it. He didn’t want to get sick. He didn’t have time to get sick, he had his school work and Even to take care of.

Isak almost fell off the ladder when Jonas shoved his window open. He clung to the bars, his heart racing, and Jonas looked at him just as frightened.

“Shit! Sorry! Wait!”

Isak didn’t know what he was supposed to be waiting for. Jonas didn’t seem to know, either. He reached out his hand, but Isak didn’t take it. He needed his both hands to grab the bars and climb up. When he reached the window and Jonas and smelled Axe Africa he felt something crack inside him.

“How are you feeling?” Isak asked. Jonas looked sheepish. Guilty. And something else. A glow beneath everything else, a hot fire, and Isak knew he was just about to get burned.

“Better”, Jonas said. He was lying. Isak knew when Jonas was lying to him.

“I don’t want to get sick. If you’re not well I’m not coming in.”

“I never was sick”, Jonas confessed. “Get inside before you really fall. Or someone sees you.”

Jonas was right. Someone might have seen Isak and called the police. He would just check in on Jonas, get to the bottom of this not being sick thing and return home. Jonas stepped back from the window, and Isak climbed inside, just like he had done a thousand times before.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: internalized homophobia with religious undertones

Jonas was looking surprisingly well, considering he should have been sick for a week. Actually, he was looking really good in his silk boxer shorts with pictures of Porky Pig all over them. Isak’s eyes kept wandering down to them. They were so. Shiny.

“If you’re not sick why haven’t you been at school?” Isak whispered. Jonas stepped closer so he could hear Isak better. It made Isak’s skin raise into goosebumps and his eyes cling to the bare shoulder line in front of him. Why did he want Jonas this much? Why couldn’t he be happy with just Even?

Even wasn’t happy with him. It wasn’t his fault. Even couldn’t be happy with anyone right now, and it was so scary, and Isak was so caught up in his own drama that he didn’t hear what Jonas just said. He had to look up and lick his lips quickly.

“Sorry, what?”

Jonas looked so. Hurt. More than that, he looked ashamed.

“It’s stupid”, Jonas mumbled. Isak touched his arm. His fingers got glued on Jonas’ skin.

“Come on. Tell me. What is it?”

Jonas pulled his arm away with a sigh.

“It’s you.”

Isak stepped back. Then he had to step forward again, so that he could hear this conversation. It was an important one.

“Me? What do you mean?”

Jonas turned his face away from Isak but kept glancing at him.

“I told you, it’s stupid. I just need to come to terms with it that you’re with Even. I’ve tried to come to school a couple of times but then I’ve seen you two with Mags and Mahdi at the yard and I just. Couldn’t. I turned around and went back home.”

Isak swallowed. Jonas had seen him and Even. He had seen Isak’s hand around Even’s waist under his denim jacket, Isak’s head resting on Even’s shoulder every now and then. Isak remembered well how it had been to see Jonas with Eva every single day.

“But it’s the third year. You have to go to school or you won’t graduate.”

Jonas sighed.

“Yeah. Yeah. I know. I’m going to be there Monday morning, I swear.”

Isak nodded. Good. Jonas needed to graduate, just as much as he did, and Isak knew it wasn’t a good time but he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Even doesn’t study”, he said. “He isn’t even trying. He is repeating third year and I’m scared he won’t make it this time, either.”

Jonas made a face.

“Fuck, Issy, I was just telling you how hard it is for me to see you with Even, and you want to tell me about his problems?”

Isak held his breath for a second. He felt something soft and warm claw at the bottom of his belly.

“It’s either that or kiss you to forget about all the problems for a while.”

That caught Jonas by surprise. Isak didn’t understand how that was possible. The sexual tension in the air was stronger than between Mulder and Scully.

“Uh-huh.”

Isak moved closer. Just a little bit. He breathed in.

“I need a release. Any kind. And you look really nice in those boxers.”

“You look like shit. Are you sleeping at all?”

Isak shook his head.

“Not really. Whenever I try I just start worrying about everything and I can’t sleep.”

With a simple twist of his wrist Isak brushed at the silky boxers with the back of his fingers. As he had suspected, Jonas was at least semi.

“I just need a break. Please, Jonas.”

Isak could tell what hearing him speak Jonas’ name did to the boy. He knew it from experience, too. Every time Jonas had said his name it had sounded like music.

“Do you even care about my feelings?” Jonas asked. Isak lowered his forehead on Jonas’ shoulder.

“I can’t afford it right now”, he whispered. “I need someone to care about mine. To take care of me. Can you do that?”

Isak turned his wrist again. Now his fingertips touched Jonas’ thigh. His skin was smooth and warm. He had come this far. He was feeling like shit, so he might as well be shitty while he was at it. He might as well get some distraction.

“Doesn’t Even take care of you?” Jonas sounded hoarse. His voice was husky and low. It made Isak shudder in anticipation.

“He can’t. He doesn’t have -- I need to take care of him. All the time. He’s normal at school and when we get home he just. Shuts down. Yesterday I had to feed him with a spoon to get him to eat anything at all.”

Isak raised his head and looked at Jonas. He looked at his lips.

“I just want to feel like a real boyfriend. Anyone’s boyfriend. It feels like I’ve just discovered that I  _ can be one _ and then I turn into a nurse with really good bedside manner. It’s not fair.”

“Jesus, Issy, are you listening to yourself?” Jonas pushed Isak away from the chest. Not far, because they were still talking. “You supposedly love Even, yet you’re telling me that anyone will do? Is that how you love me, too? Just as someone willing and available?”

“What? Of course not! You’re my best friend.”

“To be honest, I’m not feeling like I am.”

Isak folded his arms around himself. This wasn’t why he had come here.

Why had he come here?

“I miss you”, Isak whispered. “It’s like an ache. Don’t you like me anymore?”

“You’re making it hard”, Jonas sighed. “But I do. I like you. I love you.”

“You don’t want to even kiss me.”

Jonas reached out his hand behind Isak’s neck, yanked him closer and kissed him. It had been a while since Isak had been kissed like this. This angrily. This hard. Making out with Even during recess had been nice and hot, but when Jonas kissed him like this Isak felt like he was getting what he deserved. He had missed that feeling.

They were both panting after the kiss. Isak lifted his hand on Jonas’ cheek and touched his nose with his own.

“Please, Jonas. Let me have it. Just don’t leave any marks.”

Jonas bit at Isak’s lips with his. His breath felt so hot.

“Fuck, Issy --”

“Put me in my fucking place.”

Jonas kissed him again. Isak whimpered against his lips, and let Jonas push him on his back on the bed. Isak lifted his hips to rut them against Jonas. The friction felt so good. It felt dirty, and wrong, and that was what made it feel right. This was a sin. It was supposed to feel like a sin, not like a blessing. When he was doing this with Even he felt so good all the time, and it was wrong.

He was going to Hell for this. It was exactly what he had deserved.

Isak took Jonas’ hand and pulled it over his head, placing it on his wrist. Jonas got the hint. He held Isak’s wrists against the bed and pushed his other hand under Isak’s shirt. It felt so good. Isak’s skin was turning into fire, and brimstone, his dark wicked soul was burning in the flames.


	25. Chapter 25

Isak tried to pull his hand away again, but Jonas kept his grip firm. He wasn’t forcing Isak into anything, simply expressing his opinion on the matter, and Isak was obliged to follow the unspoken rule. His hands stayed there. He wasn’t allowed to touch Jonas, no matter how much he wanted to. It felt kind of good, to be denied and given at the same time. It felt like balance.

“I’m going to make you come so hard you’ll pass out”, Jonas mumbled right against Isak’s ear. “We’ll take care of all the other stuff tomorrow. Got it?”

Isak tried to object. He couldn’t stay for the night, Even would notice he was gone. But he couldn’t convince even himself to actually protest, not when Jonas had pushed his shirt up under his armpits and kissed his nipple like this. Besides, what Jonas was offering him was to good to pass on. He was offering Isak sleep, and then help, and Isak needed both just as much as he needed to come.

He yelped when Jonas bit on his nipple sharply.

“Got it?”

“Yes”, Isak gasped. The pain from the bite wasn’t much, but it echoed on him in a soft glow. He closed his eyes and arched his back, offering his nipples for Jonas. He didn’t have the words to what he was asking for, but Jonas knew just what he needed. He always knew. Isak whimpered as he felt the teeth clamp on his nipple again. Jonas’ mouth felt so hot, and the tip of his tongue flicked over the distressed nub, and Isak’s brain started to melt into a puddle.

That puddle was boiled dry when Jonas slipped his hand under Isak’s waistband. He eased it lower and fished Isak’s rock hard dick out. Isak had to bite his lip to keep quiet. Jonas’ fingers around him, moving up and down the aching shaft, made him see stars. Jonas seemed really determined, he was on a mission, and Isak could only surrender to it. He was breathing faster, more shallow, his toes curled up and then Jonas suddenly let go of his dick and bit down on his nipple again, harder than before. The pain yanked him back from the edge and left him writhing on the bed, in desperate need.

“Jonas --” Isak whined. Jonas grinned against his chest and stroked at his belly with his palm. He waited until Isak had cooled off and then got back to work, jacking him off with all his skill. He got Isak super excited about this really quickly, only to leave him hanging again, groaning with frustration and rutting his hips on thin air.

Third time Isak tried to hide he was about to come, but Jonas knew anyway. The boy chuckled darkly, and nipped at Isak’s earlobe with his lips.

“Naughty”, Jonas purred, and Isak’s eyes rolled back in his head. He was so desperate. “If you don’t behave I’ll stop.”

“No, please”, Isak moaned. “I’ll behave. I promise.”

“Good boy”, Jonas whispered, making Isak’s whole body get flushed with pleasure. That pleasure got sharper as Jonas grabbed his throbbing dick with new purpose. He was trying to trash Isak completely, and he was succeeding. Hard. Isak was a whimpering, whining, moaning, possibly drooling mess, and he didn’t think about anything in the world except how bad he needed to come.

So bad.

Oh God please.

Oh Jonas please.

_ Please. _

Jonas slammed his palm on Isak’s mouth as he allowed Isak to come. Isak screamed, his voice muffled by the hand, and his whole body was trembling in the release finally granted to it. It felt like it wasn’t going to end, ever, he kept going and going and coming and coming, until he was absolutely spent. Jonas milked him dry and wiped his hand on the sheets.

Isak couldn’t move. Jonas guided him properly on the bed, his head resting on the pillow. Isak could barely open his eyes. He looked at Jonas, who seemed very pleased with himself. For good reason.

“Now sleep”, Jonas hummed, stroking Isak’s hair gently. “Everything will be okay. I promise.”

Jonas couldn’t make a promise like that. Isak knew it. But right now, in this glowing, exhausted moment, Isak believed it. Everything was going to be okay. He drifted to sleep and surrendered to the black, dreamless embrace, his own heated scream of pleasure still echoing in his ears.

Isak woke up with a heavy head and a heavier body. He was alone in the bed, and it took him a moment to understand whose bed it was. What had happened in it last night. Terror gripped his heart and sank its nails in it. What had he done?

Before Isak could get into full on panic mode the door opened. Jonas sneaked inside and closed the door behind him. He had a sandwich on a plate and a banana with him, and he placed them on the bed in front of Isak.

“Breakfast. Eat. Then we’ll talk.”

“Jonas, what --”

“Hush. Eat.”

Isak didn’t have any appetite, but he knew how stubborn Jonas could be. He took the sandwich and nibbled on the corner of it. Ham and cheese and a slice of tomato. It had been a while since he had eaten a sandwich this fancy. Putting this much effort in it hadn’t felt important.

When Isak had eaten his sandwich and banana like a good boy, Jonas finally let him speak.

“I’m so sorry!” Isak exhaled. He was so, so, so sorry. He had been a terrible friend, and the worst boyfriend ever, and also a horrible person. “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.”

Jonas nodded slowly.

“I don’t know either”, he said, quietly. “But whatever it is, it’s going to eat you alive if we don’t stop it.”

Isak winced. Jonas was supposed to say that there wasn’t anything wrong with him, that he was just having a rough time right now, and that he accepted Isak’s apology and forgave him. Instead, Jonas was saying stupid and scary things. He placed his hand on Isak’s knee.

“Issy, it’s obvious you’re not okay. You haven’t been okay in a long time, and I am sorry for letting that slide for this long.”

“No”, Isak said, shaking his head. “I’m fine. I was just tired, and horny, now I feel much better. I just needed a good night’s sleep, I’m good as new now.”

Jonas squeezed on his knee a bit tighter.

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

Isak pulled himself free and got out of the bed. He walked to the window and opened it.

“I must get back home before Even notices I’m gone.”

“Too late”, Jonas said. It made Isak stop on his tracks, his foot in the air, on the way to the window.

“What?” Isak whispered.

“He called about twenty minutes ago, asking for you. I told him you’re sleeping.”

All the blood escaped from Isak’s face. He wasn’t sure where it went, not anywhere near his brain or his heart at least, because they both sort of shut down just now.

“What?”

“He should be here any minute now.”

Isak had to close the window to stop himself from jumping out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be taking a little road trip this weekend. I hope you enjoy the cliffhanger! <3


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit short, but super dramatic. I'm getting sick again.

Outside the window the night had turned into a morning. Isak stared into the pale light, and it turned into a movie screen. He watched himself and Jonas on it, as kids, years ago. He watched himself walk funny, or not want to sit down, and how Jonas looked at him for a moment but never said anything. He watched himself wince at an unexpected touch, and Jonas not say anything. It was always the same scene, repeating over and over again through the years. Isak, Jonas, and nothing being said.

Don’t ask, don’t tell. Isak remembered the time they had sworn on that, a blood oath, as solemn and sacred as only eleven-year-olds could ever make. It was the only way they could keep being best friends while nothing else changed. Jonas hadn’t asked. Isak hadn’t told. He had just climbed up the ladder and in through the window and rested, and returned to his own life, over and over again.

Now that life was in ruins.

And Jonas was asking.

More than that, he had also told. That made it so much worse.

Isak closed his eyes to stop the images. He stared into the blackness for a bit.

“Issy?” Jonas asked in a tone that implied he had been asking for a while now.

“I must go”, Isak whispered. He opened his eyes and pulled the window back open.

“What? You’re not going anywhere!”

Isak didn’t say anything. He climbed up on the window and reached for the ladder. He heard Jonas step to him but knew he wouldn’t try to stop him physically. It was too dangerous. Isak might have fallen.

“Issy, please. Even is coming. Everything will be okay.”

Isak pushed himself out on the ladder. He looked at Jonas.

“No. Nothing will ever be okay again.”

Jonas didn’t understand. Of course he didn’t. If he did, he wouldn’t have done this. Isak wrapped his fingers tighter around the metal.

“Now that you have done something about my life all I can think about is why it took you this long.”

Jonas was staring at him, speechless. Isak waited for him to get it. Jonas would get it, he just needed some time. The day dawned on the sky at the same time the realization dawned on Jonas’ face. It painted him golden. He was so beautiful it made Isak’s chest ache.

“Issy --”

“My line was crossed years ago. Our only hope was to never cross yours.”

“Don’t go.”

“Goodbye, Jonas.”

For a split second Isak imagined how it would feel to let go. He’d become weightless, for a fleeting moment, and then he’d hit the ground with all the force of his broken heart. He didn’t let go. He climbed down, without really feeling his arms or legs. He didn’t feel the asphalt under his sneakers as they took him away. He didn’t feel Jonas’ eyes on his back.

When Even turned the corner and saw Isak he stopped. Isak didn’t. He ran. He ran as fast as he could and he hit Even’s chest with all the force of his broken heart, and Even caught him. He wrapped his arms around Isak and held on, and Isak had been an idiot for coming here in the first place.

“Home”, Isak whimpered, clinging to Even’s shirt. “Please.”

Even took him home. He held his arm over Isak’s shoulders and walked with him, all the way back home. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t ask, Isak didn’t tell. Not yet. Isak knew now where that path would eventually lead them. He just had to wait until they were in their apartment before he could crumble.

They crawled in the bed together, facing each other. Even looked so sad. He always looked sad, these days, but now it was different. Even wasn’t sad for himself. He was sad for Isak. Isak’s mouth twisted.

“He let them hurt me”, he sniffled. “They hurt me again and again and he let them.”

The sniffling turned into sobbing as Even wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. Isak cried against Even’s chest, shaking uncontrollably. Jonas hadn’t taken care of him. His best friend, his beloved, hadn’t taken care of him, all the while Isak had thought he had.

He had been a fucking idiot.

What made it worse, he hadn’t been taking care of Even, himself. He had promised to, but he hadn’t done it, and here Even was now, holding him, after he had spent the night with Jonas. In Jonas’ bed. Begging for Jonas to make him come.

“I just want my mom”, Isak howled. He knew it was an empty wish. His mother would never help him, like she never had before, yet that was all Isak wanted. He wanted mom to come here and hug him and make everything better. “Why doesn’t she love me?”

“I don’t know”, Even whispered in Isak’s hair. “I’m sorry.”

“No”, Isak sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

Isak dried his eyes and curled up against Even who, miraculously, let him.

“I had sex with Jonas last night”, Isak confessed. “It was the first time since the one you know about.”

Even didn’t say anything. He didn’t push Isak away, either.

“He said he’d make me come so hard I’ll pass out. I did. It was just a handjob but it went on forever and then I fell asleep. I haven’t been sleeping for a week.”

Isak bit his lip and took a couple of sharp breaths through his nose. Thinking about Jonas hurt.

“I just wasn’t strong enough for you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

Even’s voice was soft, but to Isak they sounded like God himself had spoken from the Heaven. He didn’t believe in them, but he was desperate to hear them.

“What?” Isak whispered, just to make Even speak the words again.

“It’s not your fault, Isak.” Even pulled him closer. “You have been given too much to carry on your shoulders. It stops today.”

Isak opened his eyes. He looked at Even. Was he going to relieve Isak of the burden of himself?

“Don’t”, Isak whispered, desperate. “Don’t leave me. I’ll do better. I’ll be better. I left Jonas for good this time and --”

Isak’s voice couldn’t handle the thought of leaving Jonas behind, for good. It gave in under the pressure. If Even left him too, on the same terrible morning, Isak would die. He would implode into a pile of blood and organs and black sludge.

“I’m going to get up now”, Even said. “I’ll be right back. I’ll just fetch you a pill that will help you breathe, and when that kicks in I’ll make a call.”

It took a bit more convincing to make Isak understand that Even wasn’t leaving, or kicking him out. Isak took the pill with half a glass of lukewarm water and collapsed on the bed. He was done. He was just done. He watched Even walk to the phone and pick up the handle.

“Who are you calling?” Isak asked. Even sighed, holding the handle against his shoulder while he dialed the numbers.

“Mom.”


	27. Chapter 27

It was Sunday evening when Even’s mother finally left. Even closed the door after her and pressed his forehead against the wood. Isak watched him from the bed, filled with shame and gratitude and something warm he didn’t have a name for.

“I’m so sorry”, Isak sighed. “I didn’t mean to go crazy enough for you to have to call for backup.”

“At least this time she was useful”, Even said. He pushed himself away from the door with his palms and returned to Isak. He crawled into bed next to him, and Isak snuggled up against him. “As long as you’re okay with going to our family doctor.”

“They’ve kept you alive, haven’t they?” Isak said. He nuzzled his face against the side of Even’s neck. “Aren’t they going to send me to see some specialist anyway?”

“Yes. They’ll probably prescribe you some sort of medication to keep you going until you get an appointment with a psychiatrist.”

“Will they give me something to help me sleep?” Isak asked. He was so tired, all the time. He just wanted to sleep.

“Hopefully.”

“I’m glad I got rid of the heroin”, Isak confessed. “I might have tried it. I’d try anything.”

Even raised his brow.

“I was wondering where I put that thing. What did you do to it?”

“I just threw it in a trash can in the park. I was worried you might use it.” Isak laughed, just a little bit. “Serves me and my high horse right, I suppose. To be just as desperate as you were.”

“To be accurate, I never considered taking it”, Even remarked. Isak blushed. Yes. Even was right. Isak had only imagined things. He did that a lot. Drama queen Issy the First.

“I’m sorry. About everything. You’ve been nothing but good to me, ever, and I’ve treated you like shit in return.”

“Yes, you have.”

Isak noticed Even didn’t say it was okay. Because it wasn’t. He knew it, but it would have been nice of Even to lie a bit. Just this once.

“I haven’t done it on purpose. I haven’t tried to hurt you. I haven’t tried anything, I just --”

Even touched his cheek.

“There’s no need to get upset”, he said quietly. “I understand. You’ve needed help for so long, and nobody has helped you.”

“That’s still no excuse”, Isak whispered. Nobody had forced him into anything. He had made all of those bad choices himself.

“Maybe not an excuse. But it’s still an explanation. A reason, with a consequence, and sometimes the consequences are bad.”

“I couldn’t care less about the consequences”, Isak tried. Even just nodded.

“I’m not accusing you of anything, Isak.”

“You’re not forgiving me, either.”

“No. Not yet.”

Isak did his very best to remain calm. Now that Even had denied his forgiveness, it was all Isak could imagine ever wanting. He needed it to live.

“What can I do?”

At least Even was still holding him. He was still letting Isak be here. He was still helping Isak. How much more could Isak ask for?

“Give it time. Like I said, I’m not accusing you. Or blaming you, either, and if I’m --” Even paused. Isak saw his Adam’s apple bop up and down when he swallowed the lump in his throat. “If I’m honest, I am drawn to a certain kind of. Well. Drama. You have created so, so much drama for me to roll in, and I have to admit I have kind of liked it.”

Isak stared at Even.

“Are you seriously telling me that while I was out with Jonas cheating on you, you have  _ liked it? _ Really?”

“Of course not! I’ve hated it! I hate the thought of you with him, and that one time he was in my bed -- in  _ our _ bed. I wish I could undo that time, but still I. Think about it. At times. With this kind of fondness, you could say, and. Have I mentioned I am clinically insane?”

Isak’s head was buzzing. Even was speaking so fast, or maybe his brain was just so slow, they were both exhausted and raw. Isak raised his fingertips on Even’s cheek.

“Does it turn you on? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? That thinking about me with other boys is exciting you?”

“No. No.” Even shook his head. He took Isak’s wrist, gently, but didn’t pull his hand away. “It’s killing me. I’m trying to tell you that trough all the mess that’s in my head and my madness, everything about you is clear and bright and vibrant. Everything about you makes me feel so thoroughly it almost hurts, and that is important to me. When I’m lying in this bed unable to lift a finger, just seeing you still makes me feel. Thinking about you makes me feel.”

Even was speaking so fast again. Isak could feel his mouth’s movements. He pressed his fingertips a bit tighter on Even’s skin, in an attempt to slow him down.

“What does it make you feel?”

Isak looked into Even’s eyes. They were so blue, and so big, deep pools of water. He wished. He wished with all his heart.

“It depends on what I’m thinking about.”

“When you see me? When you’re lying in the bed and can’t move a muscle, and you see me, what do you feel?”

Was that a smile that pulled at the corner of Even’s mouth? Could it have been?

“Alive.”

Isak couldn’t stop himself. He kissed Even. He didn’t have the right to, he didn’t deserve it, but he had to. Even kissed him back. Was he thinking about Isak and Jonas right then?

“You’re right”, Isak murmured on Even’s lips. “You are insane, for loving me.”

“I love you so much”, Even mumbled back, pulling Isak closer to himself. “I need you. I want you. Don’t ever leave.”

“I won’t. I love you. I’m so sorry for everything.”

Isak was ready to promise anything right now. If it meant Even would keep holding him, and loving him, and kissing him like this. It made Isak feel alive. He was still here. He had made it out of that house, he was kissing a boy, the most beautiful boy in the world, and it was wonderful.

Even rolled them over, so Isak was on his back on the bed, with Even on top of him. They kept kissing, over and over again, lost in the moment of sweet oblivion. The world around them was disappearing slowly, shrinking around them, until all that was left was this bed and them two on it, locked in their embrace.

Somewhere deep down inside him Isak knew that this was a bad idea. That they were avoiding talking about things by giving their mouths something else to do. They had deserved this, a little break. Ever since Even’s mom had got here there had been talking, and talking, and talking. No kissing, not like this, let alone anything else.

Was there going to be something else, now? Kissing the most beautiful boy in the world like this was bound to have some serious effect. Isak knew Even could feel it against his thigh, just like Isak could feel Even’s hardness against his. It felt nice. To be wanted like this, to want like this, and unlike with Jonas it was all good and pure. Isak still didn’t deserve this kind of peace with this, but having it was nice. So nice.

“Isak”, Even said softly, nibbling at Isak’s lips with his own. “There’s something you should know. About the medication.”

Isak opened his eyes reluctantly. He hummed something, to let Even know he was listening. Even’s eyes were so pretty. They had a blue flame in them now, and it was pulling Isak in.

“I mean your medication. When you start taking it, there is likely to be side effects. Fatigue. Loss of appetite. Lower libido.”

Isak nodded slowly. He wasn’t sure where Even was going with this, but he kept flying into the fire.

“So.” Even ran his fingertip along the curve of Isak’s bottom lip. “It might be a while before you’ll be interested in me. Again.”

“Right now that’s really hard to believe”, Isak muttered. He was really, really interested in Even. He would always be. Even smiled softly.

“I’m just saying that if you want something, any time soon, now is the time.”

Isak looked at Even very carefully. What would Even do if he said no? Would he be disappointed?

“Can we just make out tonight? I’m really tired.”

If Even was disappointed, he didn’t show it. He kissed Isak, and his kiss was just as gentle as ever. He pressed his body just as close, he touched Isak just as tenderly. Isak was kissing the most beautiful, most wonderful boy in all creation, and it was all he could ask for right now.


	28. Chapter 28

As they approached the school, Isak held on Even’s hand tighter. It was both to pull strength from Even, and to keep Even from running away. They had agreed that Even would keep trying. He would forget about last week and start over now. It was just one week, it didn’t mean that everything was ruined forever. Isak wasn’t the only drama queen in this relationship, it seemed.

Magnus and Mahdi were already at the yard when they got there. Mahdi was yawning so hard he was at danger of dislocating his jaw, and Magnus wasn’t looking much better. Jonas hadn’t arrived yet. Apparently he was leaving it to Isak to tell the guys what had happened. There was so much to tell, he didn’t know where to start.

It didn’t help that he had like five minutes to get it all out before they had to get to class.

“Is Jonas still sick?” Isak asked, hopeful. Maybe Jonas had called Magnus and told him he’d be home for today, too. Magnus shook his head.

“Not that I’ve heard of. Mahdi?”

Mahdi shook his head as well. Isak moved a bit closer to Even. He was not looking forward to seeing Jonas at school today. It was going to be so weird. Magnus was going to be devastated. His worst fear had come true, he just didn’t know it yet. Isak had broken up the gang.

Even wrapped his arm around Isak’s shoulders. He wanted to remind Isak that he was there for him, and Isak was grateful for that. Whatever happened now, at least Isak had Even, and he was all Isak actually needed.

“We have to talk”, Isak said. “Can you skip the first class, or should we wait until lunch?”

Magnus looked at him, suspicious.

“What have you done?”

“Nothing”, Even said before Isak had time to answer. “Isak has done nothing. I can’t skip my class, but I hope I can trust him with you two.”

Mahdi raised his chin a bit.

“Isak is our friend. Why wouldn’t you trust him with us?”

Isak bit his lips and stared at his shoes. Magnus nudged Mahdi’s elbow to tell him to calm down.

“I can skip the first class”, Magnus said. “We can go get some coffee, I could seriously use some.”

Even gave Isak a quick kiss and let him leave with Magnus. Isak hurried out of the gate, before Jonas would come and see him. He had to speak with Magnus first. He had to break the poor boy’s heart, and it was best done in private. They went to the coffee shop across the street, got two coffees and sat down by a table.

“You know, I’m getting a bit scared here”, Magnus said. “You’re so serious.”

“Sorry”, Isak sighed. He couldn’t look at Magnus’ face. “This is serious. I’ve just had a terrible weekend, and things are not about to get any better.”

Magnus reached over the table and grabbed Isak’s arm. His grip was gentle, but Isak could tell Magnus was a drowning man grasping for straws. He was just about to wrap some weights around his ankles, too.

“Just tell me.”

“I suppose you’ve been promoted to best friend status”, Isak sighed, regretting the poor attempt of a joke immediately. It was too late to regret, he couldn’t unspeak those words any more than Jonas could have unspoken his. The words that broke everything, finally.

“What?” Magnus half whispered, half gasped. “What happened?”

“I couldn’t sleep Friday night, so I ran off to Jonas. We had sex, because I’m an idiot and he is so fucking hot and --”

“Isak! You promised you’d behave!”

Isak nodded. He knew. This was all his fault. If he hadn’t gone to Jonas maybe things wouldn’t have changed. Maybe the gang would have made it until the end of third year.

“I just wanted to forget about everything for a minute.”

“Did it work?” Magnus pulled his hand away. He looked a bit squirmy. He still hadn’t had any sex, and he still was very interested about everything related to it.

“Yes. He edged me like six or seven times and when I finally came I practically passed out.”

Magnus turned fire red. He was squirming a bit more.

“You still shouldn’t have.”

“No. I shouldn’t.” Isak sighed. One down, two to go. Big things. Huge things. Everything was going to change here, by this table, right now. “When I woke up Jonas told me Even was coming over. He had called Jonas, asking if I was there, and Jonas had invited him to talk or something.”

“No way!” Isak couldn’t look at Mags, but he could hear how huge his eyes got.

“Way. Before Even got there, though, Jonas said something.” Isak didn’t know how to explain it so that Magnus could understand. The years of their pact, and how Jonas had undone it all, and how Isak could never get over that. “Something I can never forgive him. I left. I’m not going back this time. We’re not friends anymore.”

Magnus was so, so quiet. He was terrifyingly quiet, for so long that Isak had to finally look up at him. Magnus looked angry. He was absolutely fuming.

“I just want to smack his hot, smug face”, Magnus grunted. “Of all the selfish, arrogant assholes he’s just the fucking worst.”

Isak had difficulties to recognise Jonas from Magnus’ words. Hot, yes. Smug, maybe at times, but he wasn’t being serious about it.

“Mags, please”, Isak whispered. “I don’t need reasons to hate Jonas. You’re making me want to speak for him, to defend him, and I can’t handle it.”

Magnus relaxed his shoulders.

“Fine. Sorry. I just. I’m so mad at him! He’s been stringing you on for so long and the moment you found someone and stopped being emotionally dependant on him he  _ suddenly _ realized he’s in love with you.” Magnus raised his palms and nodded. “Sorry. There. I’ve said my piece, and in case it’s not obvious, I’m choosing you. I’m sure Mahdi will choose you, too, he’s only hanging out with Jonas because we are.”

Isak was more relieved about that than he would have liked to admit. He didn’t have many friends, and all of them were important to him. He had just lost his best friend, and he was happy that he wasn’t going to lose Magnus and Mahdi as well.

“Thank you. I’m sorry I broke up the gang before graduation.”

“It’s not your fault”, Magnus sighed. “It’s probably not anyone’s fault. Most groups have split up by now anyway, we were lucky to last this long.”

Isak had to sniffle a bit. Magnus handed him a napkin so he could blow his nose.

“Sorry. I’m just. It’s been a rough weekend, with Jonas and Even’s mom and all.”

“Wait, what? Even’s mom?”

Isak nodded. He took a sip of his cooled down coffee. Then he told Magnus about how the rest of his weekend had gone, and how he was going to see a doctor today after school. Magnus listened. He just sat there and listened and let Isak speak, and Isak was so lucky to have a friend like him.


	29. Chapter 29

“He’s right, you know”, Even said. Isak raised his head from Even’s chest to look at him. He didn’t ask, because he knew the answer, and he also knew Even was going to tell him anyway. “Jonas fell in love with you at a rather convenient time.”

Isak rolled his eyes.

“There was  _ nothing _ convenient about it. It fucked up my life and almost destroyed my relationship with you.”

“But the timing was weird. He sees me kissing you out in the street and decides that you’re his property.”

“I’m not anyone’s property”, Isak started, but then stopped talking. He frowned. “He saw you kissing me?”

“That’s what he said on the --” Even stopped talking, too. He looked frightened. Pale.

“On the what?”

“Tape”, Even confessed. “Remember, the one he had left for you in here?”

Isak pushed himself up. He felt like having some space, all of a sudden.

“Let me get this clear. What, exactly, did Jonas say on that tape?”

“Well I don’t remember it exactly”, Even mumbled. Isak glared at him.

“Please, do your best. What did he say?”

“He was drunk”, Even opened with. As if that made a difference. Maybe it did, Isak wasn’t sure. “He said he saw us kissing, and that he wanted to be me, because he wanted that you’d be his, and then he said he loves you.”

Isak nodded slowly. Okay.

“He never told me. He said it was just an apology.”

_ You broke my heart! I trusted you with it! _

It all made sense now. And yet it didn’t.

“You sent me to him. You thought he would tell me what he had said on that tape.”

Even sat up slowly. He scooted back so he could lean his back on the wall. He pulled his long legs up against his chest and hugged them.

“Yes.”

“Why? If he had told me then, I might have --”

“I didn’t think I deserved you.”

Even sounded so sad. He sounded small and scared, and Isak’s anger melted away in front of that. Even wasn’t wallowing in self pity, he was being honest. He really hadn’t thought he deserved Isak.

“And Jonas did?”

Even shrugged.

“I didn’t think that far. You were so unhappy without him in your life. You deserved to know.”

“Neither of you seemed to really think so!” Isak raised his voice without really noticing it. “If you thought you didn’t deserve me why didn’t you tell me Jonas lied to me?”

“Why did he lie to you?” Even asked. That threw Isak’s anger off track. He wiped his mouth to the side of his palm.

“When I told him I hadn’t heard the tape, he. He said I look happy.” Isak closed his eyes. He remembered sitting in the dark at the cabin, the night Jonas had finally confessed his love and they had agreed to not do anything about it. “He said he’s never made me happy.”

“Has he?” Even sounded like he was somewhere far away. Isak shrugged.

“I don’t think so. Not the way you have.”

“I’ve made you happy?”

Isak opened his eyes. He looked at Even, and waited until Even looked at him too. It took a couple of minutes, but finally he made contact.

“Yes. Whether you think you deserve it or not, you have me, because you make me happy. As happy as I can be, at least.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about the tape.”

Isak sighed. He crawled next to Even and curled up against him.

“I suppose it’s for the best you didn’t. Jonas was right. He never did make me happy. I didn’t go to him to be happy.”

Even wrapped his arm around Isak’s shoulders. His fingers hesitated, but they did give Isak’s upper arm a little stroke.

“Why did you, then?”

“To forget. To escape. To drown. Being with Jonas overwhelmed me, it was like it made my brain overload and shut down. It was a break, and at the same time it wasn’t. Kissing him felt wrong. Touching him felt wrong, and I thought -- no. I think. I think that’s how touching a boy should feel. Wrong.” Isak rubbed his cheek against Even’s chest. “Touching you doesn’t feel like that.”

“Oh?” Even was whispering now. He held Isak closer. “What does it feel like?”

Isak slipped his hand between Even’s body and this thighs, to press his palm on Even’s stomach. It felt so good.

“Right. It feels right. It’s not supposed to feel right, but I can’t find a drop of wicked in touching you, or you touching me. We’re going to Hell, and that should feel worse.”

Even raised his hand on Isak’s cheek. His blue eyes were so kind.

“I don’t believe in Hell. Maybe because I have lived through it so many times over.”

Isak bit his lip. He had tried. He had tried to stop believing, to turn his back on God, but he couldn’t. It felt too empty. Too lonely and frightening.

“I’m sorry”, Isak whispered. “I love you. It should be enough for me.”

“Don’t be sorry. Just be mine.”

Isak nodded.

“Yes. I’m yours. I promise.”

“Can I kiss you? Or are we still fighting?”

Isak closed his eyes and kissed Even. He didn’t want to fight. There was no reason to. Jonas was a thing of the past now, and Even was here, now, and he tasted so good and felt even better. Isak moved closer to him, while Even unfolded his legs, and Isak ended up on his lap, straddling him, their lips locked in a passionate kiss.

There wasn’t a drop of wicked in this. This kiss was almost holy. It was light, and good, and it made Isak feel so happy. It filled the room up with brightness they could bask in. A blessing. Isak pressed his forehead against Even’s when they stopped for breath. His fingers had somehow ended up behind Even’s neck.

“I love you”, Isak whispered. “I love you so much.”

Even let his hands wander down along Isak’s spine. They stopped at his lower back, slipping under his shirt, to feel the bare skin that was set on fire by the touch. Isak shivered and sighed, and Even’s lips pulled him into another kiss. Isak was more than happy to take part in it. Even’s mouth was so soft and warm, his lips so tasty, so plump, like ripe fruit. Isak nibbled on them hungrily and leaned back.

Even followed him. He tipped Isak over on his back on the bed, and after some readjusting of their legs Even laid down on top of him. Isak made a delighted little sound and pushed his body upward, to meet Even’s, to press against him tighter. He held Even from behind his neck, locking their lips into the kiss that got more heated by the second.

Finally Isak had to let Even’s lips go, because they needed to breathe again. They were both panting softly. Even turned Isak’s head with a gentle push with his fingertips, under Isak’s jawline, and as Isak opened up his neck Even kissed it. A jolt of pleasure ran through Isak’s whole body, making him whimper softly. Apparently his road to Hell travelled through Heaven. Isak walked forward, without hesitating a single step. He had found his path.


	30. Chapter 30

Even had the most beautiful body in the world. Isak couldn’t stop touching it. With his hands. With his mouth. With his leg, his thigh, his hip, the full weight of his chest. Even’s skin warm and smooth against his, Even’s mouth hungry and eager on his mouth. Even’s hands on his back, then his lower back, then on his buttocks, pulling his hips closer.

Even was so hard. Isak could feel it against his hip. He knew Even felt his hardness as well. How turned on by this Isak was. By their kisses. By their touches. The endless touches, where their skins turned into one skin, one constant act of touching, all the way to their souls. When Even kissed Isak again Isak slipped his tongue between Even’s lips, into his mouth.

Isak let Even guide him on his back on the bed. He turned his head to the side so Even could kiss his neck. It felt so good. It electrified Isak’s whole body, filled him with light, that was shining through his skin. Even kissed his collar bone, along the line it drew on Isak’s chest, and stopped to pay some special attention to the bird’s nest in the middle. Those kisses, those quick flicks of the tongue, made Isak whimper. He pushed his fingers into Even’s hair. It was so soft.

Even’s hand slid down Isak’s stomach and between his legs. Isak gasped sharply when Even grabbed his dick. It had always felt good, but now it somehow felt even better. Isak was throbbing in Even’s hand at the first touch, and every slow stroke made him moan out loud.

“Fuck you’re hard”, Even whispered, right under Isak’s ear. It made Isak feel so wonderfully naughty. He pushed his head back and gasped for air. “You’ve never been this hard.”

At least not with Even. The thought passed through Isak’s mind and he let it go just as quickly as it had arrived. Even was right. Isak was so, so hard, he was so, so turned on, but for the first time ever without any desperation. He was content in his heat, because he was with Even.

“It’s your fault”, Isak whimpered. Even chuckled, softy, and kissed Isak’s pulse line.

“I’m not the least bit sorry.”

“Rude boy.”

Even just hummed. He moved his hand slowly, carefully, all the way to the root and then up to the tip again. His touches were making Isak shake.

“Even?” Isak didn’t know if he said it out loud or only in his head, so he said it again. This time Even raised his head and looked at him. Isak looked into his eyes, his lips forming words without sound. Words that broke down into gasps with every shot of pleasure Isak’s body was made feel by Even’s hand. Finally Isak managed to utter one full word. “Please.”

Even gulped. Isak could hear it. He licked his lips quickly.

“Please what?”

Isak forced himself to open his eyes and look into Even’s. He needed to make sure Even understood he was being serious.

“I want to do it. With you. Now.”

Even stopped moving. Isak could see it, the desire he had been holding back for so long now. It was rippling right beneath the surface, just begging to be unleashed.

“Do you mean..it? Like,  _ it _ it?”

Isak slipped his hand between Even’s thighs. He had to close his eyes when he felt the hardness. Even had never been this hard, either, and it was all for him.

“I want this --” Isak wrapped his leg around Even’s waist and pulled him closer, between his thighs. “-- in here. Please.”

“Holy shit”, Even whispered. He covered his mouth and apologized, then he kissed Isak with a new sense of purpose. His hard-on was rubbing against Isak’s ass with his movements. “You have no idea how much I want it.”

“I think I have some idea”, Isak giggled, suddenly a bit nervous. “You’re poking bruises on my ass.”

“Oh? I’m sorry, I’m definitely doing it wrong.”

Isak giggled again.

“God, I sound like a girl.”

“You sound lovely,”, Even said and kissed Isak. Just like that, Isak wasn’t at all nervous anymore. He was enthusiastic. He was impatient. He was hungry.

“Please”, Isak whispered, over and over again. “It’s time.”

“I can’t just stick it in”, Even said softly. Isak groaned, in frustration. Even was right, he knew it, he had tried his own fingers in the shower and he was so tight down there, but still. He had waited for so long.

“Then get started already!”

Even laughed. His laughter sounded like light.

“I love it when you’re demanding.”

“Oh, you’re in for a treat.”

Isak grabbed Even from behind his neck and pulled him in a kiss. A demanding one. He wanted this so much. He was finally ready. He was so, so ready. When Even pushed his slippery finger inside Isak cried out but not in pain. It didn’t hurt, Even was so gentle with him. All the way through the preparations, Even was gentle, and while the third finger stung more than just a bit, Isak could take it. He wasn’t afraid of pain, it was an old friend of his, and he had tried to urge Even to take him after stretching him out with only two fingers, but Even had insisted on doing this properly. Whatever that was supposed to mean.

“Ready?” Even asked. Isak nodded, repeatedly. He was ready. He had been ready for a while now. Even pulled his fingers out and wiped them on the sheets. “You’d better get on your hands and knees.”

Even made room for Isak to roll over. Isak pushed his body up, on his shaky hands and knees, and spread his legs. Even helped with his hands. As he pulled Isak’s buttocks apart Isak felt so open it made him blush intensely and hide his face in the pillow.

“I’ve never been inside a boy before”, Even whispered. Isak couldn’t speak. He just swayed his hips, begging for Even to finally do it. Every second leading to that moment felt like forever, and like torture, until the wait was finally over and Even pushed inside him.

Actually inside him. Isak whined into the pillow as he was split in two by Even’s dick. It was so big, and so hard, and Isak loved every bit of it. His body swallowed it all, greedily, until Even’s hips touched his ass and Even stopped pushing.

“Fffffuck”, Even moaned quietly. Isak was just whining and whimpering. He felt Even’s hand on his lower back. “Are you okay?”

“Yes!” Isak must have sounded so impatient. It made Even chuckle, low and husky.

“Feels good?”

“So good.”

“Does it hurt?”

“I don’t care.”

“I do.”

Isak groaned. Even filled him up so well, but it wasn’t enough. He wanted more. He wanted action.

“A bit. It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Will you please just fuck me already?!”

Finally Even stopped talking. He pulled back, almost all the way, and it made Isak’s legs shake again. He pushed in, and Isak made a sharp, short moan. Those kept coming with every push, and they seemed to encourage Even. They also seemed to make Even’s dick feel harder inside Isak. It felt wonderful.

It was over sooner than Isak would have liked. He hadn’t expected Even to last this long, but he was still a bit disappointed when Even pushed one last time inside him and climaxed. That disappointment was dissolved into desire by the splash he felt. Isak didn’t know how this hadn’t occurred to him. That Even would come inside him. It was so dirty, in the best possible way.

Even slipped out of Isak and turned him on his back. They kissed, Even spent and Isak still hungry. He had finally done it. He had done it with a boy. The most beautiful boy in the world just fucked him, and he had loved it.

Even wrapped his fingers around Isak’s dick. His grip made Isak realize how tight it was, on the brink of bursting. He cried out again, in unbearable heat. He could feel Even’s semen drip out of him. It felt so hot. He was the dirtiest, filthiest, sluttiest --

Isak screamed Even’s name when he came. He came so hard. He was seeing stars. No, he  _ was _ stars. His whole being became one with the universe, his every atom was at peace and balance with all creation, for a wonderful moment. He had peace.

When Isak returned to his body, bit by bit, curled up against Even, he could still feel that peace.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, sorry.

Isak rinsed his mouth with some tap water and spit in the sink. He splashed some water on his face too, but it didn’t really help. He still felt like shit. He tried to reach the paper dispenser to wipe his face, but before he hit it someone pushed a sheet of tissue paper in his hand. Isak muttered a startled thank you, wiped his face and it hit him. Axe Africa.

Isak stood there, his face covered with paper, breathing in the scent through it. He didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t spoken with Jonas once in the past two weeks. Not since he climbed out Jonas’ window for the last time. He didn’t know if it was Jonas now, but who else could it have been? Isak let his hands slide down. He opened his eyes slowly. He could see himself in the mirror. He looked like a ghost. He was alone. It was just him, and an empty bathroom, and the ghost of a scent in the air.

It had been exactly as weird as Isak had thought it would be. Seeing Jonas at school. Just seeing him, as a part of the crowd. No matter how many times Isak looked, he never caught Jonas looking at him. Not once.

Even had kind of replaced Jonas in their group. He and Magnus got along especially well, and Mahdi didn’t seem to mind having Even around. Isak certainly didn’t. Even was funny, and sexy, and charming, and making out with him behind the garbage cans during lunch was absolutely amazing. Meanwhile, Jonas spent all his time alone. Isak never saw him with anyone.

Isak looked around in the hallway, but he didn’t see Jonas anywhere. He did see Magnus. He sort of wasn’t in the mood for Mags right now, but it was too late. Magnus had seen him. He was walking to him. Isak wiped his mouth on the side of his palm and nodded.

“Hi.”

“You look like shit.” Magnus sounded worried. Isak shrugged.

“I just threw up. Side effects.”

“Shit, still? Weren’t they supposed to be over by now?”

“They talked about two weeks. It’s two weeks, today. I wouldn’t be worried just yet.”

Magnus nodded. He still looked worried.

“Have you seen your face? You’re paper white.”

Isak shook his head. It was a bad move. He had to lean on the wall with his hand to collect himself. Stupid side effects. He really wished they’d be over soon.

“It’s not that. I think Jonas was in the bathroom. I didn’t see him and he didn’t say anything, but I could smell him.”

“A lot of guys use Axe Africa”, Magnus tried. His heart wasn’t really in it.

“Yeah. They still don’t smell like Jonas, though.”

“What was he doing in there? Was he stalking you or something?”

“He gave me a tissue so I could dry my face.”

Magnus looked at him, eyes wide.

“Were you crying?”

“Of course not! Why would I -- I just washed my face.”

“Oh. Right. Because you threw up.” Magnus looked so worried. Isak was getting a bit sick of it. He did his best to hide his feelings, because it was likely to just upset Magnus further. The absence of Jonas had left them in a state of imbalance, which the presence of Even hadn’t managed to correct completely. Magnus was constantly keeping an eye on Isak, and Isak was getting tired of it.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Magnus asked, and Isak wanted to scream.

“Yes. I’m fine.”

Magnus looked at their shoes. Isak really wanted to go, but he could see Magnus was about to say something, and he had a friend’s obligation to stick around and listen.

“Do you miss him?” Magnus asked. The question sounded a lot like a confession. Isak sighed.

“Yes. I miss him terribly.”

“I miss him too.” Magnus glanced at Isak from under his brow. He looked like a puppy that had been caught chewing on the couch. “I’m sorry! I’m on your side on this, but it’s still so weird to not have him around.”

“You don’t have to pick a side”, Isak sighed. “I don’t mind if you hang out with him or whatever. I just don’t want to.”

“I don’t hang out with him. Mahdi doesn’t, and I haven’t heard about anyone else, either.”

Isak didn’t like hearing that. Apparently Jonas was as alone after school as he was during it. It wasn’t Isak’s fault. Jonas could have gone hang out with other people. He could have tried to get a girlfriend, or a boyfriend -- well, not a boyfriend, because Isak wasn’t available for him and he was the only boy Jonas wanted.

“I should forgive him”, Isak sighed. “I can’t.”

“If you can’t, you won’t.” Magnus still didn’t know why Isak and Jonas weren’t speaking anymore. It was also making Isak uncomfortable, how easily Magnus and Mahdi had turned their backs on Jonas after all these years. Maybe Jonas hadn’t been a good friend. Isak had no idea, his opinion on Jonas would be forever biased and distorted.

“I wish I could.”

“I wish I could help you with that”, Magnus said. He didn’t go further, he didn’t have to. They both knew what Magnus meant. He couldn’t give Isak advice, because he didn’t know what was going on. Isak wasn’t going to tell him, and he was happy Magnus didn’t ask directly.

“I have help.” Isak realized too late he was basically telling Magnus he didn’t need him. Magnus put on a brave face, but Isak could tell he was hurt. He couldn’t tell Mags he was sorry, because that would have made them talk about it, and that would have made it worse.

Magnus looked at the clock on the wall.

“I should get ready for class”, he said. Isak nodded. He didn’t check the time, it didn’t matter. It was obvious Magnus was just looking for an excuse to part ways, before all this weirdness got too intense.

“I should go find Even. I could use a cuddle.”

Magnus just nodded. He did his best to not look jealous. He was failing, hard.

“See you at lunch?”

“It’s a date.”

Isak watched Magnus walk away. He had a weird lump in his throat. It was probably just some afterburn from throwing up, just like the heavy feeling in the bottom of his belly.


	32. Chapter 32

Even took Isak’s hand in his, like he always did when he had something to say that he suspected Isak wasn’t going to like. He held on, like trying to prevent Isak from running away. They were sitting on the bed, finishing up with homework, and talking about school. Isak put his pencil down with a sigh.

“What?”

“I know how stupid this is going to sound”, Even said. He readjusted his grip, making it tighter. “You should check in on Jonas.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that”, Isak said. “It sounded like you told me I should check in on Jonas.”

Even nodded. Isak tried to pull his hand away, but Even didn’t let him go.

“I’ll let go in exactly two minutes”, Even said. “Can you listen to me for two minutes?”

“I’m not interested in talking about Jonas.”

“Just hear me out. Please?”

Isak tried to pull his hand away again.

“Let me go.”

“One minute and fifty seconds.”

“You really don’t want to talk to me about Jonas while I’m being held prisoner”, Isak hissed. “Let me go!”

Even pulled his hands away. Isak rushed up on his feet, and made sure he had a clear escape route to the door before he turned to look at Even again. His heart was pounding in his ears.

“Seriously, you should know better.”

“I’m sorry. I just wanted you to listen and not run away.”

Isak stepped back. Towards the door. He needed to make his body see that he could leave if he wanted to. He needed to make it calm down.

“Don’t ever do that to me again you fucking idiot!”

Even sort of deflated. He pulled his legs up against his chest and hugged them, and looked at Isak over his knees.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

Isak forced his shoulders to relax. It was okay. He was with Even. He was safe.

“I’m sorry I called you a fucking idiot.”

“I had it coming.”

“Still. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

Isak walked back to the bed and sat down. On the edge, as close to the door as possible, but he sat down. He grabbed Even’s foot and gave it a gentle tug.

“Please?”

Even let his legs unfold. Isak laid down and rested his head on Even’s thigh.

“I forgive you.”

“Thank you.”

They were quiet for a moment. Isak fondled at Even’s ankle. The thin skin, the round bone just beneath it. It was the most perfect ankle ever carved.

“Okay. I’m listening.”

Even touched Isak’s hair carefully. Isak closed his eyes. He was safe. He was breathing in Even’s scent, he felt Even’s touches. Nobody was going to hurt him now, or lock him up anywhere, or force him to fast or pray or anything.

“It’s been over a month”, Even said quietly. “He looks so lonely.”

Isak nodded. He knew. He had been asking people, and nobody seemed to hang out with Jonas, ever. He was always alone during recess and lunch.

“It’s not like he’s being shunned or anything. He could go to people.”

“It’s not that easy”, Even said quietly. He stroked Isak’s hair, probably to calm himself down just as much as Isak. “Fuck, I see so much of myself in him. After what happened with Mikael I was -- I must have looked like Jonas does.”

Isak held his breath. Even hadn’t spoken about his past much, and every crumb of information was precious to him.

“I was so alone. I was going insane from missing my friends so much, and I could just blame myself for losing them, and.” Even’s fingers were shaking. Isak curled up closer to him. “I’m really worried about Jonas. He’s not in a good place, and. You are his best friend.”

“I’m also the reason he is alone now”, Isak sighed. “What would you have done if Mikael came to you?”

Even’s hand stopped moving. Isak closed his eyes. He shouldn’t have asked. He should have trusted that Even would tell him some day, when he was ready.

“Do you miss him?” Even asked. Isak hesitated to answer. Would Even imagine that whatever Isak was feeling would have been what Mikael had felt, as well? Did it matter?

“Yes. I miss him so much.”

“You should call him.”

Isak rolled over on his back. He looked up at Even.

“Last time you told me to call him you were trying to push me in his arms.”

“And that time showed me it’s not going to happen”, Even said, calmly. He placed his hand on Isak’s cheek. “I have been thinking about this a lot, and I trust you. I trust us. For some reason I seem to make you happy.”

“You do”, Isak whispered, and kissed the inside of Even’s wrist. “So happy.”

“If I can’t keep you while I’m making you happy, then I can’t keep you ever. If your heart belongs to him, if you never got it back from him, then -- I can’t help it.”

Isak didn’t know what to say. He stared at Even, trying to remember how to breathe, how to speak, how to keep his heart beating.

After all this time, he hadn’t still convinced Even of his love. He didn’t know what more he could do.

The worst bit was, that Even was probably right. Isak had never got every piece of his heart back from Jonas. He probably never would.

“I love you”, Isak whispered, in a half panicked, desperate attempt to keep himself above the surface. “I love you. I’m yours. I’m over him, he’s not important to me anymore.”

Even smiled, the tiniest little smile.

“Oh, Isak. We’re never over a person we can’t forgive. And it’s okay if Jonas is important to you.”

Even looked fuzzy on the edges. Isak blinked, and something wet ran over his cheeks down his neck.

“He didn’t protect me.”

“I disagree. He did his best. He was just a kid.”

“So was I! I needed him and he betrayed me.”

Even guided Isak gently on his side, so Isak could bury his face against Even’s stomach. He stroked Isak’s shoulder and back.

“It’s not on him”, Even whispered. “It’s not on you, either. It’s on them.”

“I fucking hate them! Why did they have me if they didn’t love me?” Isak’s voice was muffled by Even’s body, as was his heaving sobbing.

“It’s not your fault, Isak. It’s not your fault.”

Isak knew Even was right.

He also knew Even was wrong.

It took him a long time to calm down enough to breathe somewhat normally again. They had time. Isak settled, bit by bit, his sobs turned into sniffles and dried up into sighs. Even’s shirt was wet when Isak pulled his face back.

“I’m sorry”, Isak whispered. Even stroked the back of his neck.

“Me too.”

“Don’t be.” Isak sat up slowly. His head felt heavy and swollen. “You’re right. I should call Jonas.”

Even put his hand on Isak’s.

“Do you still love him?”

Isak shrugged.

“I suppose I will always love him. He’s the reason I’m alive.” Isak looked up at Even. “I don’t want to be his boyfriend. Or his lover, or that he’d be mine, or anything like that. I don’t want to sleep with him ever again. I don’t want to feel the way sleeping with him made me feel. Ever.”

Even nodded.

“I believe you. I trust you.”

“How? How can you trust me, knowing what I’ve done in the past? I could do whatever with him when you’re not around.”

“Yes. You could. But I trust you won’t. That’s how trust works, Isak.”

“I could kiss you, wonderful boy”, Isak said. Even laughed a little.

“Not if I kiss you first.”

They ended up meeting in the middle.


	33. Chapter 33

Isak looked up the wall. He was standing beneath the ladder, looking at the light shining from a window, and considered one more time. What if Jonas would simply shove him down from the ladder? Not in order to kill him but to just push him away. Isak wouldn’t have blamed Jonas for that. His last words would have been  _ it’s okay. _

Okay, there was a chance he was being a bit dramatic here. Jonas was not going to kill him. He was just looking for a way out of this. There wasn’t any. It was time. Isak reached up, grabbed the ladder and pulled himself off the ground.

Jonas was sitting on the floor, leaning his back on his bed, with a notepad on his knee. He was drawing. Isak could immediately smell the spray paint, and Axe Africa, and his own nameless, formless longing that grew into something very tangible very fast. He swallowed. It was so easy for him now, to push that longing down. Something had changed. Probably him.

Isak knocked on the window. Jonas jumped, and looked up, and frowned in disbelief. Isak knocked again. Yes, it was him. He was here. He was really here. He watched Jonas put the notepad down, stand up and walk to the window, and his heart wasn’t beating as fast as it used to. Jonas opened the window, and Isak could hear how fast his heart was going. He could see it in Jonas’ eyes. He looked at Isak like Isak looked at Even these days.

“Hey”, Isak said quietly. “We need to talk.”

Isak hoped his tone made it clear. He had come here to talk, nothing else. He didn’t want anything else, just talk, and he knew this was a weird time and method of arrival for that, but this was how they had always talked about important things. In whispers. In the dark.

“Can I come in?”

Jonas stepped back and Isak climbed inside. The moment his feet touched the floor his body tuned in the familiar mode. It was drawn towards Jonas. Isak didn’t give it what it wanted. Instead, he walked to the bed, sat down and put a pillow on his lap.

“How have you been?” Isak asked. Jonas was walking back and forth, glancing at him every now and then.

“Why are you here?”

“To talk. I’m sorry.”

Jonas nodded. His shoulders relaxed. He stopped pacing.

“It’s cool. It’s -- it’s cool.”

Isak bit his lip. He knew Jonas was feeling the pull, too. He was happy Jonas wasn’t acting on it. He didn’t have to reject Jonas.

“So, how have you been?”

Jonas shrugged.

“I don’t know.”

“Even is worried about you. He’s gone through something similar.”

Jonas scoffed. He turned his back on Isak. Isak could still see what Jonas was thinking, from the curve of his shoulders, the angle of his wrists.

“How fucking noble of him.”

“He told me to call you.”

“Easy for him! He has you!”

Isak pulled his heel up on the bed. He still wasn’t good at listening to people raise their voice at him. He knew Jonas wasn’t going to hurt him, but his body wasn’t sure about that.

“You never wanted to have me. Not like he does.”

“Now we’ll never now, will we?”

Isak shook his head. No. Jonas was wrong.

“We know. You don’t want to have me, you want me to be there for you. It’s not the same thing.”

They were quiet for a moment. Isak watched Jonas’ shoulders settle.

“I was always there for you”, Jonas whispered. “It’s not fair.”

“Yes. You were.” Isak lowered his foot on the floor, slowly. Jonas was not going to hurt him. “How did it feel?”

Jonas turned to look at Isak. There was a flash in his eyes, like a spark.

“Being there for you?”

“Letting me go. Back home. Back to them. How did it feel?”

The spark died. Jonas looked pained. He tried to hide it, and he was rather good at it, but Isak knew.

“Helpless. I tried to save you, Issy. I tried to save you a thousand times, and every time you refused and went back home.”

Jonas was right. Isak had refused all the help he had tried to offer, apart from moments of comfort or oblivion. A couple of breaks here and there, just enough for him to catch his breath.

“You were just a kid.”

“So were you!”

Isak closed his eyes. Coming in this room had been a mistake. Not because he shouldn’t have talked with Jonas, or because he’d be tempted. It was the exact opposite. He wasn’t tempted, not one bit, and that hurt. He had lost his first love. It wasn’t fair. Especially since Jonas still loved him, in his way.

“You did your best”, Isak sighed. “You kept me alive. You kept me safe, as much as I allowed it. The tapes you made me kept me sane. Thinking about you kept me going.”

“How about making you come? What did that do?”

Isak gave Jonas a small crooked smile.

“You were there. You know what that did.”

“Made me fall for you.”

“Is that really what happened, Jonas?” Isak had to ask. He had to know, and Jonas had to figure it out as well. It was important, if they wished to have any kind of a relationship ever again. “I mean. I would have been yours, whenever you asked for me. You never asked. You refused me, a thousand times.”

“I was an idiot”, Jonas huffed. Isak shook his head.

“That’s not it. I think you knew that you didn’t really want me. You’re not gay. Or bi. You just liked me very, very much, and you wanted to protect me, and take care of me, but only up to a point. I need someone who can go all the way.”

Jonas rolled his eyes.

“You want me to fuck you?”

Isak laughed. He couldn’t help it, Jonas caught him by surprise and his words kind of hurt, in a blunt, dull way.

“God, no. No. It would kill me.”

Jonas didn’t look impressed.

“I’m not that bad at fucking.”

“I’m sure you’re not.” Isak hesitated. Jonas wasn’t going to take this well. “Having sex with you always made me feel bad. It felt good, so good, but it felt also wrong. I wanted it to feel wrong, but I don’t want that anymore. It should feel right. With Even it does.”

Jonas turned his head away. Isak looked at his face. His profile. He had looked at it so many times, he knew it by heart. If he could draw at all, he could capture Jonas like a camera.

“If you left Even, would it still feel wrong? If it wasn’t cheating?”

“To be honest?” Isak sighed. “I don’t know. The very thought about leaving Even feels more wrong than anything ever. I love him. He’s my home.”

Jonas nodded. Barely. His chin moved the tiniest bit, and Isak only noticed because he was watching so carefully.

“I suppose that’s it, then? We’ll never know what could have been.”

“For what it’s worth, I think it would have been wonderful. For a while.”

“For what it’s worth, it was wonderful. For a while.”

“It was. For many whiles. And now it’s over.”

They fell silent. They let the weight of the moment land on them, to see if they could hold together under the pressure. They could. The moment passed, and it left them battered but whole. Jonas turned to look at Isak.

“We never kissed goodbye.”

“Most people don’t. Most last kisses are given without knowing it’s the last one.”

Jonas nodded. His eyes were fixed on Isak’s lips. Isak licked them, quickly, and stood up.

“I don’t want to say goodbye to you. You’re my best friend, and I still need you. I have so much going on and I just want to tell you about it all, and I haven’t been able to, and -- no goodbye. Please.”

Jonas gave Isak the saddest smile Isak had ever seen.

“I was planning on going to paint tonight. I could use a lookout.”

Isak gave Jonas the smallest smile he had ever smiled.

“I’d love to come.”

“But?”

“No buts. Can I ride on your skateboard with you?”

“It’s really likely we will both die if you do.”

Now Isak smiled a bit more.

“I trust my life in your hands. Always.”

Jonas took his notepad from the floor.

“You’re the one telling my mom why we’re dead.”

“I can’t tell her anything if I’m dead!”

“Oh, trust me, she will find a way to cross the border of the land of the living and the land of the dead so she can yell at as for dying.”

Isak laughed. It felt good to laugh with Jonas. It had been too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I have one more chapter left of this. Am I wrong? Is there something I should cover but haven't?


	34. Chapter 34

Isak was lying in the bed, holding a small, plastic rectangular box against his chest. The label was blank, as always when he first got the tape. Jonas had hidden it in his backpack at school yesterday, and Isak had found it when he had started to do his homework with Even. He had showed it to Even, who had simply nodded, and refused to listen to it with Isak.

_I’ve listened to enough of his tapes for a lifetime._

Isak had put the tape aside, done his best to focus on math and almost forgotten about it. Then Even had left to get Isak’s parents’ phone number on his arm tattooed over, and he had told Isak to not come with him because he didn’t need anyone to hold his hand. Then he had held Isak’s hand and kissed him and told him he wasn’t angry so many times over that Isak had finally believed him.

Even needed space. Especially around his illness. He had tattooed the number on his arm at home, too high on his mania to care about the pain, or even really register it, and they had been saving up to get it covered. Isak wasn’t going to tell Even he had asked Mags and Mahdi to pitch in, even though they had been more than happy to. He hadn’t asked Jonas, just in case he’d get caught.

Isak just wanted that number to disappear. He was never going to call it. He was never going to step in that house. He had escaped, just like his sister had before him, and while at times his mother and her condition crossed his mind he always let the thought pass without really even looking at it. Maybe some day Isak would be ready to face her, but that day wasn’t going to come any day soon. Tonight he would be free from the last reminder of his life in that house. Even hadn’t told him what picture he was going to have tattooed on him, and Isak couldn’t wait to see it done.

The tape clacked in its case as Isak’s chest moved up and down with a sigh. He felt its weight again. He didn’t know how much time he had, how long it took to have a tattoo done, and he had been lying here for a while now. He should just get this over with. He needed to hear what Jonas wanted to tell him.

Isak took his Walkman from the floor and opened it. He pushed the tape inside with shaky hands. He put the headphones on his ears, his thumb lingered on the button. He played with it like he often did, pressing it almost but not quite down enough. The plastic rubbed against plastic in the mechanism in a way that was uniquely satisfying. Isak closed his eyes and pressed down all the way.

Brit pop. Why not. Isak recognised Suede when the singer started.

 _Come unto me, my winter son_ _  
_ _We could lie on the rails_ _  
_ _and when the morning comes_ _  
_ _we’ll be miles away, miles away_

 _Slipping away while the city sleeps_ _  
_ _Running away from this cruel disease_ _  
_ _We’re miles away, miles away_

Isak noticed he had been holding his breath when he had to gasp for air. These days all the lyrics seemed to be written about him and Even, every love song in the world was about them, but this one was for him, from Jonas. He listened, carefully, for every word.

 _Modern boys, modern boys_ _  
_ _Hand in hand, sick of the fear_ _  
_ _chasing away all the hungry years_

Isak had to wipe his eyes. He hated getting his neck wet with tears. He thought about all the hungry years, and the fear, and hands in his hand. Jonas. Even. How they both took his fear away, but differently. With Jonas he didn’t fear the world. With Even he didn’t fear himself. Isak let the music and the words fill his head, and love and melancholy fill his heart.

He stopped the tape. He hit rewind, then stop, then play again. He focused on the words that had just now passed him carelessly, like a breeze brushing at the back of his neck, gone before he really noticed it.

 _Into the night, under the stars_ _  
_ _Jumping the light in the silent cars_ __  
_He’s on your left, I’m on your right_ _  
_ _It’s so easy in the concrete night_

Isak listened to the bit over and over again. _He’s on your left, I’m on your right._ What did it mean? What could it mean? It was, at the same time, painfully obvious and frustratingly puzzling. Simply because it couldn’t mean what Isak first thought it did. They weren’t modern boys. Were they? Isak forced himself to keep listening. The song ended, and after it all Isak could hear was static noise. Jonas had recorded only one song. This one.

Jonas’ mother picked up the phone. Isak was forced to exchange a couple of pleasantries before Jonas half whispered a hello.

“What are you trying to tell me?” Isak asked. Straight to the point. His need to know was too urgent to tiptoe around the subject.

“Wait”, Jonas said. Isak heard him move, probably to take the phone in his own room. “You listened to the tape?”

“Yes! What does it mean?”

“It made me think of you. It’s a great song, too. I wanted you to hear it.”

Isak sat down on the floor, his eyes closed, squeezing the phone handle so hard it almost hurt the bones in his palm.

“Why?”

“Because it’s about you. And me. And him. Don’t you think?”

Isak swallowed. It did nothing to the lump in his throat.

“I’m not. It’s not. I’m with Even.”

“I know. I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here, too. For you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Isak whispered. He leaned against the dresser. A necklace dropped from its edge and hit him on the shoulder.

“Whatever you want it to mean.” Jonas paused. He was forcing his breathing to stay steady and calm, Isak could hear it. “I’m not asking for anything. Just. Give it a thought. Can you do that?”

That wasn’t not asking for anything, Isak thought. Jonas was asking for quite a bit.

“What if the answer is no?” Isak spoke so quietly he had to repeat his question. He didn’t get it out much louder the second time, but at least Jonas heard him.

“Then nothing changes from what it is now. Like I said, I’m not asking for anything. I know you’re happy with him, I just. Heard that song, and thought about it. About you.”

“Do you promise?” Isak asked. “Do you promise me that nothing will change?”

“I promise.” Isak could hear the small, reassuring smile in Jonas’ voice. “You’re my best friend. We’ve made it through worse.”

Isak sat there, in silence, for a moment. He was listening to Jonas breathing, and he knew Jonas was listening to him. He sighed.

“I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I’m asking for.”

“I’ll have to talk about it with Even, too.”

“Could you play him the song first?”

“I can try.”

They said goodbye, trying their best to not sound sad. Isak hung up the phone and remained there on the floor, staring at the Walkman on the bed. Even found him there when he got home.

“Isak?” Even hurried to him, on his knees on the floor. Isak took his hand. There was a bandage and some cling film wrapped around Even’s arm. The tattoo felt insignificant right now, and Isak was a bit mad at himself for that.

“I’m okay. But you need to listen to the tape. It’s just one song.”

Even nodded. He looked worried, and puzzled, but when he took the headphones off he looked just weird.

“Is that what you want?” Even asked quietly. He raised his eyes from the bedspread to Isak, and Isak had his answer. It was in Even’s eyes, that wonderful blue that tasted like freedom.

“No. Not the way he wants it.” Isak crawled up on the bed and took Even’s hands. “I want to belong to you. Completely.”

Isak could feel the relief from Even’s hands. Even would have let him do it. He would have hated every second of it, but he would have let Isak do it. Isak lifted Even’s hands to his lips and kissed them.

“I love you. How was the tattooing?”

Even seemed to remember just now that he had been tattooed tonight. He looked at the wrappings like he saw them for the first time.

“It wasn’t too bad. Hurt a bit, but it was worth it.”

“That’s a big bandage”, Isak said. It covered Even’s whole arm.

“It’s a big tattoo. Do you want to see it?”

“Of course.”

Isak helped Even peel the cling film and the bandages off. The phone number had vanished. It was covered. The edges of the tattoo looked like ripped skin, and there was a maze of tubing and hydraulics visible through the hole. It made Even look like an injured cyborg. It looked so cool.

“Wow”, Isak whispered. Even turned his arm so Isak could see the image better.

“I saw the poster in your room. I wanted to have something that reminds me of you.” Even looked at the tattoo, with a faint smile on his lips. “It also tells how I feel sometimes. Like a robot, just going through the motions and pretending to be a person.”

“It looks incredible”, Isak said. “I love it. And I love you.”

Even looked in Isak’s eyes. Isak took his hand. The only hand he wanted to take, ever again. Tomorrow he would call Jonas and tell him his answer. He would have to trust Jonas would keep his promise. But the song had been right. Isak was sick of the fear.

“Can you make love when you have a fresh tattoo?” Isak asked. Even smiled.

“I’m going to risk it.”

Even kissed him. It made music play in Isak’s heart. Every love song ever written, and they were all about them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This concludes our nineties saga! I hope you enjoyed it! I sure did. I have a soft spot for problematic and complicated Josak, after all, and this time I got to really indulge myself!
> 
> I'm happy you took this journey through time with me. I'd love to hear from you, whatever you have to say.
> 
> The song Jonas sent Isak is Modern Boys by Suede, and it worked as an inspiration for this whole thing. My original plan was to make the lyrics come true, but as always, my story disobeyed me. I'm not mad at it, though.


End file.
